One week before it all starts

One week from today is when it all starts. I've been on birth control pills since Halloween...what an irony. Go on birth control pills so that you can get pregnant. Oh well...I just do what I'm told. I read two books this weekend - "Nurturing Yourself Through IVF" and "An Empty Picture Frame: An Inconceivable Journey Through Infertility."

The first one was more technical and gave ideas for things that I could do while I'm going through this one. It was informative and gave me some really good ideas. I think that I'm going to try acupuncture if we can afford it. Insurance will reduce the cost by 30%, but it might be worth it. I emailed Katrina (my nurse) to see if the clinic has a list of people that they use that may specialize in infertility. It also talked about relaxation, but that's going to be tough. How do I relax when every other thought revolves around my inability to do what I should innately be able to do. The guilt that comes along with infertility is ridiculous.

The second book was more personal. It was written by a couple that was just like Bill and I. They had gotten married, bought a house, bought an SUV and started preparing their house for babies. They had a dog, he was interested in finance, and she taught middle school. It's eerily similar to us, so I really connected with it. It's also interesting because she calls us "Infertiles," like we're our own separate race or something. Although it sounds weird, I kind of like it. I am now in this group that is small and exclusive...you have to have a very unique attribute to be part of it and only 3% of couples who are trying to conceive are part of it. Doesn't it sound so cool? Hopefully you can read through the lines and feel the sarcasm that is constantly pouring out of my brain and occasionally escapes through my mouth! This book made me cry and laugh and I couldn't put it down. I haven't found a book that has hooked me like this in so long and I tried to figure out why. The reason is that since we started to try for a baby, I knew something was wrong. Bill wouldn't buy it at first, but I knew. The only thoughts that have been on my brain and the only thing that I have been truly working hard toward is a baby (I mean for God's sake...I didn't even work hard enough to get an A on my law exam)...this hooked me because it finally made me feel like I wasn't alone. If you don't know what to say to me or how to react to me, read this book. It has a whole section on how to handle Infertiles - my new race!

I am going to post the tentative schedule for our meds...I know my sister wants to see it! It's totally nuts! We start a week from today and I'm getting nervous. I don't know what these drugs are going to do to me and as much as I want to live a "normal" life, I need to realize that it won't happen while I'm going through infertility treatments. There is nothing normal about this.

If you're reading this, you either know me well or you found this randomly online while searching for your own answers. Please understand that this is my outlet...I can write things that I can't say out loud, so don't feel insulted that I haven't told you certain things. There are so many things that I can't say out loud without breaking down into sobs. I can write anything though, so no hurt feelings, okay? I am going to try as much as possible to be honest with my loved ones and to let them know how I am feeling or if I need to be alone. This blog may actually give you much more information than I can just because it's all so hard to say out loud. I act tough and like this isn't bothering me much...I act blase and talk about what I can, but I just can't say it all out loud. Thanks for your love...couldn't make it without it.