I don't even know how to describe it. It's like I slept, but it was a fitful sleep and I never really entered into REM sleep. I don't feel like talking to anyone most of the time and really don't know what to say. The babies are doing well...eating like champs and sleeping when they want to. It has nothing to do with me...they're doing what they want when they want to. They are in charge at this point and I am about to wave the white flag of surrender!
I don't remember things that I do. Today, my friend was coming over and I sent her an email. In that email, I mentioned that I have been craving blueberry muffins and she showed up with them...that was very nice of her, but the problem was that I didn't even remember writing that in the email! Bill will ask me if I slept at all last night and I don't have a clue...so, I answer with a rousing, "I dunno." and he looks at me like I'm nuts! I really don't know though!
Bill's Mom is here to help us though. She's been great so far...she's making meatballs right now and we're going to have some to freeze...that works for me! Just to have the extra set of hands around is great for me. I was able to take a nap today, but I don't really think that I slept at all...I don't know why...could it be guilt? Could it be confusion? Who knows? All I know is that I'm getting my ass kicked this week!
Next week Bill goes back to work (well, tomorrow, but his Mom will be here) and I'm dreading it. What do you do with two newborns? I know that I can't make everyone happy all of the time, but will I even be able to do this? What have I gotten myself into? I know I'm speaking out of desperation for wanting to be my old self...I miss ME! I don't know if that makes any sense. When I was pregnant, I lost myself because I felt so miserable and now I've lost myself again because I'm so tired I can't see straight! I knew things would change, but I guess I thought that physically, I'd come back quicker...I can't rush this...I need to wait for my body to want to work with me rather than against me. It's getting better, but I am not at my optimum strength...probably from not moving off the couch for the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy...I had no choice!
Okay, enough bitching...wanna hear some good news? As frustrated as I get with the babies not sleeping, I love them so much. They are the most important thing I have ever done and I still can't believe that I grew them...I did this. That's pretty big!
So, even if I don't want to return phone calls, answer emails, or talk to my friends, I will one day...I have to...I will need help with this journey and I will need to ask people for advice and take it! See? I can be lucid sometimes! I just get beaten down...then I come roaring back and see glimpses of my old self (determined, confident, happy, etc.). Everyone tells me that the first 4-6 weeks are the roughest and I've even read that you forget these times...I don't want to forget the babies and how they've been...they're really great. I would want to forget how I felt about myself and how self-doubt creeps in when you're least expecting it. Oh, and eating? I barely want to! I don't know why...I'm hungry, but food is the last thing that I can think about. Then I get worried (and feel guilty) that because I'm not eating enough, my milk isn't going to be good enough for the babies...maybe they're not eating for long enough...how do I know that they're gaining weight...it goes on and on. Whoever said that guilt goes hand in hand with motherhood ain't kidding...
If you've sat through reading this pity party, thanks...any words of encouragement or advice would be helpful. I know I'm not the only person who has gone through this and I know that people do it every day (and in worse circumstances than I). I will get through this just like everyone else that I know and my kids will be fine! Speaking of my kids...there goes one now! Thanks for reading...
Ummm...Please Don't Steal My Craziness...Okay? Thanks!
People I Love...follow along if you're so inclined!
7 comments:
Oh Rebecca,I can only imagine how tired you are. Hang in there it will get better - not like I know since I don't have kids, let alone twins, but I know it will get better. I'm glad you have some help, if I lived near you I'd come over and help too!
you're a wonderful mom and i got to witness that firsthand last weekend. you're doing a great job, even if you're so tired you can't remember! i wish i could be there to give you some help...soon, i promise! love you :)
xoxo
I wish I could give you some good advice, but I'm already starting to freak out about this stuff and I still have months to go before ours are born. The most consistent advice I've received so far is to ask for help. Anywhere and anywhere you can get it.
Hang in there! I hope things get easier and you are able to find yourself again!
I could've written these exact words 8 years ago (this month, actually!)...don't worry...and don't feel guilty. It won't always be this way. I look back at pictures of me and think "oh, I look so sad" It's not that I was "sad"...but I was. It's a hard emotion to explain. You're tired, you're nervous and unsure of yourself (and what you've gotten yourself into - oh yeah...I said those words too). I wanted "me" back - and that's the part that made me sad, I guess. It took me a good 2 - 3 months and I was finally able to start to find myself...a new self of course...but a better self...and I started to have the best time of my life with my daughter :)
This too shall pass. IT WILL. Give yourself time...it will come.
Oh sweetie, I don't really have any words of wisdom yet but I want you to know that I am thinking about you and hoping things get easier soon. ((hugs))
Hey Rebecca - Wish I had some sage advice or 'been there done that' words for you, but alas, I don't.
What I do have for you is words of encouragement - you are doing a great job girl! And you need to be kinder to yourself - maybe you can get out for just an hour and get some coffee (or something else you would enjoy) while B's mom is still around to regroup, recharge, re - somehting?
Hang in there sweetie!
I hate to say been there done that because I always felt that to be rude when others would say that to me. But what I do want to say is, you will forget how crappy and sleep deprived you feel right now. You will not forget how your babies are at this stage. I remember it literally like it was yesterday and when I snap out of that I then think I've forgotten everything from then to now but I haven't.
Worries and motherhood can really get you down. I never worried about our cats as a kid and now after having the twins, I find myself worrying about our new kitty too- I know, weird.
As far as keeping the babies entertained and taken care of by yourself, just "do your best and deal with the rest". That's the only way. They WILL cry at the same time sometimes but eventually they stop. I used Podee bottles and would feed while we went for a walk in the stroller to soothe them.
Keep up the good work, you are doing great!!!
PS- it gets better for awhile between the newborn stage and the 2 yr old stage when they outright say NO to your face. Promise :)
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