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Friday, January 25, 2008

Ugh!

This is getting harder...you ask "what is getting harder?" Everything!
1. Wondering if everything is okay in there.
2. Being sick more of the time (I got spoiled in the first 8 weeks...I'm being punished now)
3. Being more than tired
4. Trying my hardest to make it through each 90 minute period with 27 expectant 8th graders waiting for Algebra instruction and, of course, my perky personality (still trying to locate it)
5. My belly is getting harder
6. Fitting in any clothes

I am trying to remain upbeat and if you catch me between 6:45 and 9:00 or 3:00 and 3:30, I'm fine...otherwise, I'm totally under the weather. More and more people at work are coming up to me and congratulating me and it makes me feel weird. I'm not one for the spotlight anyway (unless it's self-inflicted and then I LOVE it!), but I'm still incredibly wary b/c I'm only at 9 weeks. I know that I'm not "out of the woods" yet. I know that my chances of miscarriage have gone down (3 ultrasounds showing growth and a stronger heartbeat means that my chances of losing this pregnancy does decrease), but I just can't let it go...people tell me this is normal and I'm not obsessing over it, but it is always there in the back of my mind...like a stalker.

The mornings are getting rough. Bill and I are trying to figure out what I can eat (and keep down). Every time I get into something and we buy enough to last me for a while, I start to hate it! It doesn't fail...I started to like Honey Nut Cheerios in the morning, we went to BJ's and bought two huge bags, and now it makes me wretch violently. I'm up to yogurt and saltines and sitting down while I dry my hair (topless - I'm so hot). We decided last night to try toast and jelly this morning...he brought it up and I took one look at it and started to cough/hack and begged him to take it out of my sight. I felt so bad b/c he went out of his way to make this for me and I couldn't handle it...I suck.

Oprah is about adult kids of divorce today...I am one of those. They're talking about closure right now and I just don't think we had that with my situation...it all just happened and we were so young...so weird. I have seen divorce bring havoc into so many lives...I just don't know how people make it through, but they do. I have, my sister has, and my brother has...we've had our share of hardships and confusion, but we're in this world as productive members of society...we have our issues (and they lie deep), but we are dealing...some of the people on this show just haven't been able to deal...I feel for them...

Alright, that's enough for today...did I tell you that I actually puked for the first time this afternoon? Yeah...it was great...I forgot how fun it is to puke! I am one of those people who will do anything not to puke...even after a long night of drinking, I will not puke...I will sit there in misery until I can lie down to sleep. I ate something after school (I will admit that I ate it quickly and may have eaten too much) and it just came right back up...not all of it, but some of it. I got up, wiped my eyes, and was actually happy b/c at least some nutrients had made it in. Now I'm lying here, exhausted, watching Oprah and knowing that all I need to do is close my eyes...so, I will.