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Friday, February 1, 2008

Bright red blood...nice...scary...gotta go to the doctor!

So, I cannot handle crisis apparently. I finally get myself feeling positive, decide to tell my kids at school, and start realizing that this miracle is really going to happen to me....then I find bright red blood in my underwear last night. I totally freaked out...I had no idea what was going on.

It was only about the size of a 50 cent piece.

It was the brightest red I have ever seen.

It scared the absolute shit out of me.

I was just lying down (like I usually do). I got up to use the bathroom and there is was. Once I found it, it didn't come back...just some brown spotting after that, but I was still scared. Bill had class, so I was home alone and was able to search the net myself to find that bleeding (while not normal is still very common...whatever that means) could happen for a variety of reasons. I was not cramping and it was not a huge amount of blood, so I tried to put miscarriage out of my mind, but I couldn't...it's my stalker...what can I say?

I slept fine. I woke up to a 2-hour delay, so was able to sleep for a little while longer which was great and really necessary. I woke up an hour later with some mild cramping. I showered and tried to call my new OB and they were closed. I got ready and called again and they were still closed, so I decided to go to work. I had convinced myself that they wouldn't need to see me, but they would tell me that it's fine and if it gets any worse to come in (mind playing tricks on me again). When I finally got through, they wanted to see me ASAP. I immediately started freaking out. I got into work and needed a sub (which they took care of), tried to get my work together for my kids (which I cried all the way through), and my co-workers totally took over. They got everything together for me and typed it up for a sub...I was able to leave there as quickly as I had come in and cried the whole time. I was really fine until someone asked if I was okay and all I could eek out was, 'I don't know.'

It was raining like crazy this morning so through my tears, I drove to the doctor's office and prayed the entire time. I'm not all that religious, but some of my experiences over the past few years have made me reconsider that. I'm sure I was a hazard on the road, but I finally made it there in one piece. We got inside and the people were so freaking nice. I'm so glad that I switched practices...they were calming, honest, and really tried to put this in perspective for me. We went into the ultrasound room and the nurse told me not to worry until they tell me to worry...that's not easy for a control freak to hear b/c now my life is not in my hands...it's in their's, but then again, they're the experts, right?

The U/S tech came in and started with the vaginal ultrasound...she started to explain how it was going to feel, but then remembered that I had been through infertility treatments and I would know exactly what would happen. They were both in there, moving around, with strong heartbeats. It turns out that one of the placentas had attached to the uterine wall partially covering my cervix and that was causing the bleed. She said that it may continue to bleed, but overall, they usually move around as the uterus expands...kind of like a balloon with writing...the writing would move around as the balloon expands.

They told me that nothing should go up there for about 2 weeks...I almost started laughing because since October nothing has gone in there, but medical instruments and Endometrin! Poor Bill must have rolled his eyes b/c he's been getting nothing! We met with the doctor afterward and he told me that we definitely did not overreact and that I am to be on bedrest for the rest of today and the entire weekend. He kind of looked at Bill when he said that like Bill's making me work...totally not true. If anything, I push myself and I need to take it easier. When we got outside of the building, I broke down. This was all in relief, but I couldn't help it. So many emotions built up inside of me...fear, dread, relief, happiness, joy, the love of a mother...I could go on and on.

Let's sum it all up:
Bad things from today - bleeding, not knowing what was happening, crying in front of my co-workers, not knowing what was happening, thinking I was losing one or both of my babies, not knowing what was happening...
Good things from today - no more bleeding, forced bedrest for the weekend, seeing my little ones (they're so big!), hearing the heartbeats (best sound in the world...it's the first time that I have spontaneously cried from happiness in the entire process), knowing what was going on in there, crying from relief, McDonald's to reward myself for making it through the entire drama, a 2 hour nap this afternoon, knowing that my babies are still with me and probably will be forever, really liking my new practice...they were great and this was a great first impression!

Thanks for sitting all the way through this...I'm so thankful this afternoon.