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Sunday, February 24, 2008

Rough Day

I don't know what it was...the sun was finally shining, the skies were clear, there were actually freaking birds chirping...what sent me over the edge? Let's start from the beginning...

I couldn't sleep (shocker). I don't know how long I was awake, but I was thinking about stupid things like how to set up the babies' room, how will all of the furniture fit, where can we put the bassinet, how long will I be able to work,will I be a good know, the usual. Around 4:40, I started to hear Brie (our dog) wretch and puke all over Bill's side of the bed. I have no idea where that came from, but I was out of bed like a shot trying to usher her out of the room - she didn't want to go. Bill cleaned it up (thanks weak stomach) while I took her out and gave her a decreased feeding (don't want it all coming up again)! Then we went back to sleep...Bill was upset b/c I had been up, but I have no control over that...he just feels bad for me.

I don't know what time we woke up - I've been covering up my clock b/c the light keeps me awake at night. I laid in bed and watched TV for a while eating Saltines to allow Bill to have some time to himself. He came up and made me breakfast - awesome. I had a headache from not sleeping and just couldn't get myself out of bed...I don't know why. Bill and I ended up having a little tiff and my emotions (we could call them hormotions) just got totally out of control. I was sobbing and snotting all over the place...I have so many doubts.

Why don't I love this pregnancy thing? Am I even supposed to? Will I be a good Mom? I mean come on...I hardly ever want to take Brie for a walk and I'm supposed to feed two babies every two hours for months??? How am I going to be able to do that? Am I/will I lose who I am? Have I already? I feel that the whole infertility thing has made me into a different person...I don't trust, I don't believe, I hardly have any faith anymore even though I have become a "success story." Am I a bad friend? I hardly call anyone anymore. I don't make visits...I'm just barely making it through the day in most cases...I'm so tired and so doubtful that I don't want to get excited about all that is about to overtake my life. Every time I talk to someone...friends, family, co-workers, they are always so excited and I am nothing but apprehensive. This is a HUGE undertaking that I am about to take on. I know I asked for it and I knew what I was getting myself into, but that can't erase my fears.

I'm not asking for pity...I know other women have been in my position. There just seems to be so much pressure these days to be the best, have happy kids, love the entire experiences, have no regrets, and scrapbook the whole freaking thing! I don't know if I'm that type of person. I know this is going to be difficult...I know this will be the hardest thing I will ever do. Does everyone else just live in an alternate reality? Do they not talk about it? Do all of these other women really love every single aspect of it? I can't believe just doesn't seem possible. Am I being totally ungrateful? We worked for 2 years to become pregnant, took endless medications/injections/negative pregnancy tests...who the hell am I to not love it at this point? Does it put me on the dark side of womanhood to question all of these things? Will I always be looked down upon for my sarcastic take of all of the crap that goes along with being a Mom? I try to look at these pregnancy websites and I just want to strangle these women? Where is their reality? People get so surprised that I am not over the they have any idea what is about to happen to my life? Yes, I know that millions of women before me have done this and that a pity party is probably the last thing that I need, but maybe I'm one of the few that is realistic enough to admit that I'm selfish about my time, my space, my body, my that so wrong? Is it wrong to be afraid?

That's what it's fear. I fear that I won't be good enough. I always do this...every time I take on something new in life, work, anything, I fear that I won't be able to do it. The only thing is that I haven't felt fear like this before. These two beings will be relying on me for everything...there won't be a need that they will be able to take care of by themselves for a very long time. Am I up for it? I really hope so...I don't have a choice, do I?

One final venting point...I think that vaginal births are mean and cruel punishment. I keep seeing them on the Baby Story and other shows and I just don't know where the attraction lies. I will never understand the quest to have a natural delivery...and God drugs??? Ridiculous in my opinion. Why wouldn't you want to have a quick and easy surgery? Yes, you get a scar and some drugs may get to the babies, but you're not going to be all ripped up and bloody...I will never get it. Maybe I need to be more of a hippie to understand that phenomenon. Bill told me to stop reading the books because they're stressing me out...I think he has a point.

I don't need "pick me up" comments to this post...I need to know that I'm not alone in this and that other people have felt how I am feeling...I hate this...I'm usually a much more optimistic person than this...I truly do not know where that person has gone. Maybe she'll be back tomorrow...until now, she's just wishing that this headache would break (and for a glass of wine for the Oscar's? Not gonna happen)!