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Monday, April 21, 2008

I think I'm driving my husband crazy!!!

I don't know why, but for some reason I have been completely hormotional at home. I'm fine at work and out with friends. I can't put my finger on it, but I am crying at the drop of a hat. I can tell you that the lack of sleep due to the sciatica is driving me crazy, I have a cold (again), and I heard some irksome stuff about my bloodwork today. The bottom line is that I need to get back to my old self which wouldn't let any of these things knock me down! I need to get back to my positive thinking way of being (which has gotten my through many jams) and just suck it up. If I don't, I think Bill is going to lose his patience with me...he doesn't know what to do with my crying. It's weird b/c sometimes I just want to vent and it's his way to tell me an answer when I'm not actually looking for an answer...I forget sometimes that he's not a woman...he tries to fix everything. It's not his fault and he's usually rational and right (drives me nuts)! It's just that I'm used to doing everything right and, a lot of times, effortlessly. Being pregnant with twins is the hardest thing that I have done to this point in my life and even though I know I'll get through it b/c millions of people before me have gotten through it, I'm hitting some roadblocks that are totally out of my control.

Now, in the grand scheme of things, are these things really big deals? NO! In my scheme of things, they're driving me nuts b/c I can't control them and I really need to let that go. If my iron is low (which happens to tons of women), all I have to do is take a pill - no biggie, right? If my Gestational Diabetes fell right on the border of high, all I have to do is wait and see what the doctor will tell me, right? Well, I didn't want to be close to high AT ALL! The issue that I need to get over (and this is going to be the hardest for me) is that it doesn't matter what I want, what I'm doing right, and what I want to do. I need to just let it all happen to me and roll with the punches...does anyone have any idea how difficult this is for me?

Anyway, I am vowing not to lay any more of this on Bill...I'm doing this for two reasons. First, he doesn't need it...he's been doing everything around here in preparation for the babies and I have no right to bitch and complain to him b/c all he sees is me laying around (which also drives me nuts). Second, he's not giving me what I want/need when I do complain to him, so what's the point? It's not his fault...I don't know if anyone could do what I want them to do at this point...I may not be able to be satisfied because I don't actually know what I want from anyone. ANYWAY, enough with the pity party...maybe I just needed to get it out and now that it's out, it will go away...who knows? Either way, I'm going to try to get back to my old self (seems like a joke to me right now...pass the pinot grigio) and get out from under this rock. It probably isn't helping at all that it is completely rainy and gross here either...that always puts me under. Sorry for the bitch session...had to happen. I do feel better that the sun I see coming out?