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Thursday, September 4, 2008

Soooo tired!

I don't even know how to describe it. It's like I slept, but it was a fitful sleep and I never really entered into REM sleep. I don't feel like talking to anyone most of the time and really don't know what to say. The babies are doing well...eating like champs and sleeping when they want to. It has nothing to do with me...they're doing what they want when they want to. They are in charge at this point and I am about to wave the white flag of surrender!

I don't remember things that I do. Today, my friend was coming over and I sent her an email. In that email, I mentioned that I have been craving blueberry muffins and she showed up with them...that was very nice of her, but the problem was that I didn't even remember writing that in the email! Bill will ask me if I slept at all last night and I don't have a clue...so, I answer with a rousing, "I dunno." and he looks at me like I'm nuts! I really don't know though!

Bill's Mom is here to help us though. She's been great so far...she's making meatballs right now and we're going to have some to freeze...that works for me! Just to have the extra set of hands around is great for me. I was able to take a nap today, but I don't really think that I slept at all...I don't know why...could it be guilt? Could it be confusion? Who knows? All I know is that I'm getting my ass kicked this week!

Next week Bill goes back to work (well, tomorrow, but his Mom will be here) and I'm dreading it. What do you do with two newborns? I know that I can't make everyone happy all of the time, but will I even be able to do this? What have I gotten myself into? I know I'm speaking out of desperation for wanting to be my old self...I miss ME! I don't know if that makes any sense. When I was pregnant, I lost myself because I felt so miserable and now I've lost myself again because I'm so tired I can't see straight! I knew things would change, but I guess I thought that physically, I'd come back quicker...I can't rush this...I need to wait for my body to want to work with me rather than against me. It's getting better, but I am not at my optimum strength...probably from not moving off the couch for the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy...I had no choice!

Okay, enough bitching...wanna hear some good news? As frustrated as I get with the babies not sleeping, I love them so much. They are the most important thing I have ever done and I still can't believe that I grew them...I did this. That's pretty big!

So, even if I don't want to return phone calls, answer emails, or talk to my friends, I will one day...I have to...I will need help with this journey and I will need to ask people for advice and take it! See? I can be lucid sometimes! I just get beaten down...then I come roaring back and see glimpses of my old self (determined, confident, happy, etc.). Everyone tells me that the first 4-6 weeks are the roughest and I've even read that you forget these times...I don't want to forget the babies and how they've been...they're really great. I would want to forget how I felt about myself and how self-doubt creeps in when you're least expecting it. Oh, and eating? I barely want to! I don't know why...I'm hungry, but food is the last thing that I can think about. Then I get worried (and feel guilty) that because I'm not eating enough, my milk isn't going to be good enough for the babies...maybe they're not eating for long enough...how do I know that they're gaining weight...it goes on and on. Whoever said that guilt goes hand in hand with motherhood ain't kidding...

If you've sat through reading this pity party, thanks...any words of encouragement or advice would be helpful. I know I'm not the only person who has gone through this and I know that people do it every day (and in worse circumstances than I). I will get through this just like everyone else that I know and my kids will be fine! Speaking of my kids...there goes one now! Thanks for reading...