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Sunday, September 14, 2008

How To Know If You're Reading The Wrong Magazine - Caution...long post b/c I'm trying to write down our "routine"

So, I bought a magazine yesterday on my big trip out to Wal-Mart that I thought would make me feel slightly more human. I've read it on and off for years and was hoping to pick up some fashion advice since I haven't been shopping in over a year! Here is how I knew it was the wrong magazine for me...

Section? Horoscopes
What did it say? ARIES - Your new wild-child attitude is perfect for the bedroom but kind of a disaster elsewhere. Play nice with your friends, family, and boss, and save the naughty-girl act for your guy. He's definitely up for it.

I almost start laughing out loud! Wild-child attitude...no, that's left to my son who grunts his way through naptime for some reason and that's when we actually get him to sleep (he's having trouble in the daylight...only wants to sleep at night...slightly frustrating since when he's awake, he's screaming)! Perfect for the bedroom??? Yeah...I breastfeed in the bedroom...that and sweat through fits of sleep that are riddled with halucinogenic dreams of Bill giving me one of the babies to hold and me losing him/her in the sheets and not being able to find them! Save the naughty-girl act for my guy??? Yeah, Bill might be up for it...for about 3 minutes...then we're both fast asleep again! I'm telling you...this is not what I should be reading right now! Either way, it did make me feel slightly more human if not slightly less sexy than some 34 year olds!

Here is our routine these days (again, chronicaling this for my own reasons...I know I'm not going to remember any of this once it's over, so I'm trying to write about it as much as possible...if you find it boring, go to another blog!):

3AM - I wake up to breastfeed both babies. At this point, I try to figure out which one is more awake and get that one up, change him/her, and breastfeed him/her for about 25-30 minutes. Then I get the other one up, change him/her, and breastfeed him/her for about 25-30 minutes. This changes slightly when Matthew does not want to wake up and then I spend about 10 minutes shoving the nipple into his mouth hoping that something will come out and he'll get some nourishment, but ending up thinking that if he's not into it, neither am I! Then I go back to bed by 4 AM

4 AM - 6 AM - Sleep (if no one wakes up...this has been happening for the past 1.5-2 weeks...this is when I pray)

6 AM - alarm goes off...I lie there wondering if there is any way that Bill could breastfeed. Then I hear someone stirring, go into the nursery, and repeat the 3 AM routine. Again, Matthew does not like to wake up to get fed, so I usually only spend about 10 minutes keeping him awake enough to get something...then thinking that he's a big boy already...this won't kill him!

7 AM - 8 AM - Sleep

8 AM - Someone is stirring...can't delay the inevitable anymore...gotta get up, feed them again, and get them ready for the day. What will they wear today? Will I venture past my comfort zone of the onesie? What will I wear today? Can I actually fit into anything? What is the weather going to be like? Will I get a shower today? Do I need to wash my hair? OMG...I smell horrible!!! I guess those night sweats are taking their toll on my sweat glands! Holy crap...I can't lie here smelling myself any longer...I'll get up and smell the babies...even if they've shit themselves, they probably smell better than I do!!

8:30 AM - 9:30 AM - Feed the kids...this is when I start the tandem feeding b/c Bill is usually at work by this time and it's just easier...what would I do with the other one if I didn't do this at the same time? God, they'd be miserable! Matthew would probably be screaming and Hailey would just look at me with that confused look...I'd feel horrible. It's much easier and quieter to do it at the same time. Plus, they look so damn cute when they're looking up at me with thankful looks on their faces...so cute! Oh shit...my nipple!!! WTF! How could you inflict that sort of pain without teeth!?! Okay, that's it...I'm not going to do this when they have teeth! Oh...I don't know...maybe I will...it's so easy and much cheaper and...DAMN! Stop screwing around!!! That hurts!!! Oh, that's much better...thanks kids!

9:30 - 10:00 AM - Play with kids and try to get them to stay awake to play...then put them in for their morning naps. Hailey goes straight down and I spend the next 20 minutes playing "Replace the Binky" with Matthew until he gets tired enough...he's tired in the morning, but I'd better enjoy it now!

10:00 - 10:30 AM - Breakfast and quick internet check.

10:30 - 11:30 AM - Shower and get ready...if I don't get makeup on myself, I don't feel like I'm from this planet. The kids start waking up around 11:00, so I keep checking on them and they don't seem to mind. I think they secretly know that if I don't get this, I'll lose what is left of my mind!

11:30 - 12:00 - Get the kids up, change diapers, and start feeding them "lunch." They both fall asleep on the boob.

12:15 - 12:30 - Playtime/Tummy Time on the bedroom floor...they freaking hate this and scream through most of it until Hailey falls asleep on her Tummy on the floor...what now? Get them into their cribs...everything is quiet...too good to be true. Matthew starts wailing like the Boogey Man is in his crib with him, so I go to re-bink. That last for about 5 minutes and we start the "going up the stairs" game. We do this until I can't take it anymore and I bring him downstairs to sit in the swing. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't. Is it possible to question if he has a mild case of colic or not? He HATES to sleep in the afternoon...I don't know if that's just his schedule or if he has colic...question myself as a mother and continue to appease him from his crying/screaming.

2:00 PM - Matthew finally fell asleep...great, I need to wake them up at 3:00 to nurse again...can't I just skip one session if they don't wake up. No, Mother Of The Year, you can't "skip" feeding your children who have stomachs that only hold 3 ounces...nice try...

2:30 PM - Hailey starts to make noise upstairs...don't want to leave Matthew downstairs with Brie (our dog who wouldn't hurt a fly, but still...I gotta do what's right, right?), so I pick him up and bring him upstairs and lie him in the Sooth-y thing...he starts to scream again. I try to reassure him that I'm right there (because I am) and he continues to scream, so I start to change Hailey (who is waiting very patiently and making weird noises b/c the screaming actually hurts her ears).

2:45 PM - Repeat 9 AM routine, but this time add vitamins...they love their vitamins!

3:45 PM - Play with them a little bit on the nursing pillow, but they are so damn tired! When will these babies ever wake up!?! Oh no...don't think that because when they do wake up, you have to entertain them...are you ready for that? Didn't think so...rookie. When is Daddy going to be home? 45 minutes...I can do that...I can do that...I can do that.

4:00 PM - Nap time...Hailey goes down no problem (start to question whether or not she'll sleep at all tonight or not) and Matthew screams!

4:30 PM - Daddy gets home. Matthew is still screaming. He asks me if he should go get him...I shrug b/c I'm spent and he goes to get him. Matthew instantly stops screaming. However, if Bill tries to put him down, he screams again. So, we try the swing...works for about 20 minutes. This kid need to get a decent nap!!! Oh wait, Hailey has slept for most of the day...that can't bode well for tonight...

4:35 PM - Panic b/c we haven't thought about dinner AT ALL! Thank God friends brought over food that we can reheat...that's what we'll do...leftovers (again)!

5:30 PM - Kids start to wake up...time for baths if we're doing them on that particular night...if not, time for bed time clothes and get ready for dinner!

6:00 PM - Dinner with Mommy...table for two! They both fall asleep on the breast...am I making enough milk? Are they satisfied? Will they last until their next feeding? Why am I so worried?

6:45 PM - Dinner is over...Daddy will come in to do the "Bomb Carry" for the twins to their cribs. We call is the "Bomb Carry" because Bill literally picks them up and carries them like their live explosives (and in some ways they are)! Okay, Hailey went down fine...no surprise there. Matthew wakes up screaming. Oh great! He woke Hailey up! Oh joy...guess dinner will be with the babies!

8:00 PM - Babies have calmed down and time for their late night snack...hmmmm what should we have tonight...perhaps breast milk? Great...I have plenty of that on hand!

8:30 PM - Babies are done...time for bed. Matthew goes out like a light...Hailey is awake - WIDE AWAKE!!! What to do? What to do? We play with her for a little while, but she's not really interested. Then she yawns...jackpot! The yawn means that she's tired...or does it mean that she's waking up from her late night snack slumber? Oh, I don't know...I'm desperate...let's try to put her down again. So, we do...very gently and she sleeps for 20 minutes. ARGGGHHH!!!

10:30 PM - Bill has been trying to soothe Hailey since 9:00 and she's not having it...she wants more food. So, he goes down to get her bottle ready (yes, we're still supplementing with one bottle a day...it gives me a much needed break) and she screams the whole time. I hear him get frustrated b/c she spills the first few swallows all over her bed clothes...this happens every single night. She doesn't seem to know that you have to swallow in order to ingest the formula! DUH!!! By this time, I'm supposed to be sleeping, but I can't help but listen to what is going on around me...I need to sleep...think of a happy time...ahhh...sleep.

10:40 PM - Matthew wakes me up screaming...he's hungry too, but will have to wait for Hailey to be finished. So, I get out of bed to take care of him until Hailey is finished with her bottle. Bill and I look at each other like, "it's going to be a long night" and smile and kiss each other (nothing dirty...just a peck). This is what we wanted and this is what we signed up for. Plus, it is pretty fun at times.

11:30 PM - Everyone is finished eating and it is almost certain that one of the babies won't go down for Bill, so he's still downstairs trying to get him/her off to sleep...Oh God...it's almost my turn to go back on "Baby Duty." I have barely slept!