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Saturday, September 27, 2008

Waiting...

Sometimes I feel that I am just waiting for them to wake up so that I can start our routine all over again! I woke up at 6 AM (Bill took the early feeding with a bottle...what an angel...I actually slept from 10 - 1:30 and then from 2:30 - 6!) and came down to pump. I took a shower and now I'm just waiting in a very quiet house for everyone to wake up. I'm questioning myself as to why I felt the need to get up so early. Well, first of all, my boobs were totally full. Second of all, I figure if I'm up to pump, why not shower? I don't know when I'll be able to do it if I don't get it done!

Yesterday we had a baby shower for my friend K. It's her second kid, but it's a boy this time, so she needed some boy stuff. My worry about going to this shower was that it was in Baltimore (45 minutes away from my house), there would be other kids there, and it may just be too overstimulating for my kids. I'm not worried about getting out of the house anymore...that's getting much easier. So, I nursed them around 1:00 and then ran around the house trying to get myself dressed (first day with pants that actually had a waistband), the diaper bag packed (why didn't I do this earlier?), and the car loaded with the present, kids, and diaper bag. The whole time Matthew was screaming bloody murder. I think he wanted to stay home or get moving, but he hated waiting for me to finish everything up...note to self...remember this!

The trip was fine...the rain had subsided a bit from this Noreaster and we didn't really have an issue with that. We got to my friend J's house just fine and she helped me carry one of them in. I still can't carry both carriers...they're freaking heavy and my legs are still hurting from sciatica! Everyone else started arriving and my babies were fine. They didn't mind going from one friend to another. They didn't mind being gawked at by the other kids. They didn't mind the noise (most of the other kids are older). I was amazed! More than that...I was proud. I know that realistically they will be a nightmare one day and they will be afraid of strangers, not play with the other kids, and run around with snot dripping out of their noses, but for today, I was proud!

I fed them bottles of expressed milk. I'm really having mixed feelings about the breastfeeding at this point...I want my body back. I feel that I have given so much through the IUIs, the IVF, the pregnancy, birth, and now breastfeeding...I want to have my old self back! I know that I can do it, but do I really want to? I don't know...I know this sounds totally selfish, but what can I say? This is my forum to vent and that's what I'm doing. The other thing that makes me feel horrible about not wanting to do this is how much money we've invested into nursing stuff...pillow, pump, bras, tanks, etc. Also, I know formula will be more expensive...what to do, what to do.

Back on track...we were the first to leave, but the kids hadn't been away from home that long, so I didn't really feel badly. I wanted them back in their element before they melted down. They did fine on both car rides. I nursed them when I got home, got them ready for bed, and put them down. It all went without a hitch! Granted, I questioned my decision to go at all when at 1:30 AM I heard Matthew sound a little congested (OMG...could he have a cold?)...then I figured that he's just a noisy kid (he really is) and he's fine.

Hanging out with my friends from college was great. I felt halfway normal being around other Moms...they know what I'm going through and were really supportive. Our hostess, J, has a 10 week old daughter who is adorable. She was so much bigger than my babies, but hopefully now that we're supplementing more, that will change too. It's just amazing to see how quickly they change!

So, now I'm debating on whether or not I should wake them up. I know that they sleep better when they've had their formula bottles, but I don't want to let them sleep too long. Bill has been a huge help when he gets home from work. I feel badly sometimes b/c when he gets home, we start baths (every other night), feed them, and put them down for bed. He hardly gets to spend any time with them. I know that will change as they get older, but for now, I feel kind of bad.

My Mom is coming in for the weekend, so Bill and I may actually sneak out and get dinner. I don't know what we'll talk about, but it'll probably be the kids. I mean we have other things to talk about, but we would rather talk about the kids. We're losers. We're completely in love with them and can't help ourselves! Anyway, I'm really looking forward to seeing my Mom! On the breastfeeding note, I don't feel that my milk supply is increasing. I keep pumping and trying to get it up, but I just don't see it. Maybe that's why I feel like quitting too. I'm sure that if I were seeing a change, I would be encouraged, but I'm not seeing it yet. The lactation consultant said that it could take 2 weeks, so I'll try to be patient (not my strong suit). We have our next weight check on Monday morning, so I'll post after that. If they aren't gaining weight this time, I'll freak! I also see my OB/GYN on Monday and I want to talk about getting an IUD. We'll see what he says. I also want to see what I can do about this lingering sciatica and whether or not my abs have separated. If they have, I have to be very careful about how I exercise...ugh...I have to go back to exercising...yuch! Have a great weekend...I'm off to wake everyone up! I'm lonely!!!