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Thursday, August 27, 2009

I'm just not "that girl"

So, it's a nice day out today...82 degrees and sunny. The kids in my county have already gone back to school. I don't feel like dragging the kids to the gym (because they're in hideous moods thanks to teething). So, I decide that I'm going to be a good mother and take my kids to the park. There is a park in our area that I have already tried - one baby swing and when they were little, that was fine, but now that they're bigger, I think I need more than one. There is another one in the area that I have not yet tried, so we got into the car with our snacks and sippies and drove the 10 minutes to this new park.

We get there and I have to pay $5 to enter...fine, whatever. It'll keep them occupied for an hour without crying...here's your $5. I ask the guy where the baby swings are and he says that they don't have baby swings...they don't have swings at all. Okay, I'm an optimist. I ask if there is anything for little kids. He asks, "how little." I tell him that I'll find something to do...thanks for nothing.

I go to where he said would be the best place for little kids. Problem #1: my kids don't have shoes. It's not that we can't afford them or that I don't know where to buy them...they just don't have them. I love them barefoot and it's still summer, so I haven't bought shoes. Problem #2: Hailey can't walk and Matt walks around like a drunken sailor, so a jungle gym (albeit plastic with rounded corners) isn't the best option for us...neither is the wood mulch that is underneath it. Seriously, if it had sand, I would have let them play.

Still playing the eternal optimist, I take the outdoor blanket out of the car (I love keeping it in there...I always have it when I need it). We find a shady spot to sit, unload ourselves out of the stroller, give out snack cups, and start to enjoy our little "snack picnic." Bring on the bugs!!! It's not like I packed sweet treats with icing dripping off of them. I packed puffs...why are the bugs so interested in them? I swat them away the best that I can, but there is this bee that just won't leave us alone. In the midst of the bug swarm, Hailey is using my bra as a mechanism to help her pull up to standing (go Hailey!) and Matt is trying to eat every leaf in sight (after he rips them into tiny pieces that would be impossible to fish out of his mouth). DAMN BEE!!! Matt finishes his entire snack cup and starts on Hailey's which throws her into a crying fit b/c she's not actually eating out of her snack cup, but she doesn't want him to either!

We were actually at the park for close to an hour. I would have taken them on a walk through the woods and around the lake, but the trails have stairs...how fucking convenient!

I finally decide that I've had enough fighting with the bee, keeping these weird-ass long mosquitoes off our blanket, having Hailey expose my breasts to whoever was in the vicinity, and wondering how long it would be before a snake came along. I get up to give them their sippies and the weird-ass mosquitoes had swarmed the stroller! They were all over the place! It's was sooooo gross! Here is where I start freaking out and itching violently (even though the bugs weren't actually on me)...it just skeeved me out. I throw the kids and their sippies into the stroller without bothering to buckle them in...good luck kids! I shake out the blanket with a vengeance b/c I do NOT want any of these weird-ass bugs in my car to have to deal with later on! I book my ass up the hill to the car, throw the kids in, throw their sippies at them, try really hard not to curse Mother Nature, blast the air conditioning, and toss the stroller in the back of the car.

Before I'm even out of the park, I phone my husband to inform him that all future park trips are to be on his watch and I want nothing to do with them! He think I'm insane to begin with, so he agrees and gets off the phone as quickly as possible.

So, my kids will not have the privilege of frolicking barefoot down summer hills (think of the snakes). Nor will they wade in the pools of a lake with little fish swimming around their ankles (they could be those flesh eating fish...oh no!). Nor will they make mud pies (worms). Nor will they attempt to dig a hole to China (a kid down the block actually had his cave in on him and they had to rescue him...too embarrassing). My kids will have to watch from the sidelines...until their father steps up (which I'm sure he will)!