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Monday, October 26, 2009

Wedding Weekend Installment #3: Beauty Salon and Getting Ready

There are several things about weddings that I think are weird. I remember going through my own wedding and wondering why certain things occurred and how people got away with them. The scam on getting your hair done is one of these things. I'm not saying that you shouldn't get your hair done for a wedding...most of all your OWN wedding. I'm just saying that it always seems like it costs a lot of money to get a hair-do that you just have trouble washing out the next day!

We got up extra early that day (okay, I did...Bill laid in bed and tried to avoid the light oozing out from the hotel bathroom...those things are harsh!) and put on my base make-up and make it to the hair place on time. Christine texted and told me that I could be there at 8:30 (we were originally supposed to be there at 8:00) because the girl who was doing our hair was stopping to get hair wraps. First of all, I don't know what a hair wrap it. Second of all, I am not putting one on my head. This is just about the point at which I decided that I was going to do something really out of character with my hair. I was already up, so I decided to stop at Starbucks on the way to the hair place...thank God for that extra shot of espresso!

I was the first one to the hair place and it looked just like a house. The matron of honor got there shortly after me and went inside. I stayed in my car looking up hair styles on the internet until Christine got there. We went inside and it was a actual house. We hung out in the kitchen, ate bagels, had mimosas...quite lovely if you ask me. The girl who did our hair, I'll call her Big Tits (for obvious reasons and because I could just about see them in their entirety!), saw my Starbucks cup and nearly had a breakdown. Something about the owner hating Starbucks more than anything in the world and then Big Tits proceeded to pour my coffee into a plain cup, find a plastic bag, and hide the Starbucks cup inside of it. Really?'s your place...just give me my mimosa.

There was another girl helping Big Tits...we're going to all her Bigger Tits...for obvious reasons. Big Tits was working on Christine and the Matron while Bigger Tits did me and the other girls. We all got in our curlers (which hurts like a bitch by the way) and waited around for our hair to set. I cannot stand waiting...especially when you're watching the weather change like you had the freaking Weather Channel on fast forward. When we got to the salon/house, it was windy and humid, but no rain. As we sat there, the rain came in like crazy...great! This is perfect hair weather! Keep it coming, Mother Nature!

As we're waiting, Big Tits and Bigger Tits are fighting over mimosas, telling stories about their kids/husbands/boyfriends, reminiscing over old times, and being quite entertaining. We make some decisions about transportation to Christine's house (which is where we were all getting dressed). Christine starts to freak out a little as she's waiting under the dryer. The Matron gets false eyelashes (which were actually pretty awesome). Finally, Bigger Tits take one of those torturous rollers out of my hair and proceeds to tell me that I'm ready to style. By this time, it's like a monsoon outside and I'm just it big. It's going to get big and frizzy anyway...let's really go for it. The picture on the left is what I asked for. The picture on the right is what I actually got! Close, right? LOL...

We left the salon and it was POURING!!! Ridiculously raining on the day of the wedding! It didn't matter hair wasn't going to move! So funny, we went back to the hotel so that Bill could drive me to Christine's house and all people would say about my hair was, "Oh! Your hair!" Not that it looked good or that they liked it...just a totally surprised exclamation of "I hope that shit falls a little bit before the ceremony." Anyway, we got to Christine's house to get something to eat (thank did I not eat on my wedding day?), got our makeup on (soooo glad I didn't screw up the liquid eyeliner as I had not put that shit on since my wedding 4 years ago), and got dressed so that we'd be able to help Christine get dressed. Christine arrived home in full veil, hair, and makeup and was getting pretty excited. The limo got there (stretch Hummer...something that I've found is not exactly easy to get into with a full length dress on). The photographer got there and started snapping shots. She took pictures of the dress hanging up which I personally love and then Christine had to get dressed. There were like 6 people in the room, so I piped up with, "Okay, you'd better get dressed...who do you want to help you?" The Matron and Mom stayed in there to help. The weird part? The photographer stayed in there too! I could see if she left and the came back in while she was getting zipped in or while she was putting her jewelry on, but to stay in there while she was getting in her dress??? Boobies flying and everything??? I don't think so! That was just weird.

Christine came down the stairs, gathered her dress very carefully, was assured that everything with the dog/house was fine, and made her way to the limo. She had to be very careful due to the monsoon rains that attacked the fine state of Pennsylvania earlier that morning. She did a great job. Off we the ceremony! Here is my favorite picture of Christine from that day...hope she doesn't mine me posting it, but it's just beautiful!

Wedding Weekend Installment #2: Rehearsal and Rehearsal Dinner

So, as wedding rehearsals go, this one was pretty interesting. First, we had to get there in the POURING was ridiculous. Thank God I had made a pit stop when we got to the hotel...there was a Tar.get next door, so I got a new hat, umbrella, and coat. Bill just about killed me when he saw all that I bought, but it was an emergency...a hair emergency (all you girls with naturally curly hair know what I'm talking about).

We all made it to the church and run through the ceremony once. It went pretty well. I was walking behind the groom's cousin who was pretty young and nervous. She made me realize that crap you used to worry about before you became an adult. It was so much easier at 18, wasn't it? Anyway, once we ran through it once, the priest (I think that's what you call it in a catholic church) came back and told the bride that once the ceremony was over, they'd have 30 minutes for pictures and then they'd have to leave. I thought she was going to lose her shit. She really wanted to do a small receiving line for guests who came to the ceremony, but weren't going to the reception. She got upset and rightfully so. The poor priest (who was very recently ordained) didn't know what the hell to do with a crying bride. He just stood there stammering about how it was the rules of the church and something about confession...blah, blah, blah. Let the bride have her damn pictures without being run out of the church!

Someone suggested that she and her husband-to-be could go to the back of the church, greet their guests while everyone else made their way back to the front, and when they were done, we'd do pictures as quickly as possible. Then, since most of the family is from Northeast Philly, everyone basically told her not to worry about it, that they'd take care of it, and I'm pretty sure someone mentioned taking the priest outside for a quick word...gangsta style!

We ran through it again and everything went fine. There was a quick discussion about where the runner starts (front or back of the church) and the priest had no clue. I really think this was his first wedding....ever...that he not only officiated, but attended! Oh well...gotta break everyone in some time, right?

Here were a couple more weird things:

  • He would not pronounce them husband and wife. He would introduce them as Mr. and Mrs. so-and-so, but would not pronounce them husband and wife. Weird, right?
  • He would not say, "You may now kiss the bride." He said that they don't do that at that church. Weird, right? Maybe he thought it would unleash all of those impure thoughts they had been having for the past 10 years while they abstained from pre-marital sex!
After that, we drove to the restaurant. It was about 30 minutes away which wouldn't have been that bad except that it was POURING rain! Did I mention that? It was favorite part were the homemade chips with crab dip drizzled on top and cheese melted over mouth is still watering for that. The presents were cool. Christine and her matron of honor made jewelry for us to wear in the was really pretty!

We went back to the hotel and had some beers and conversation...lots of laughs. Then straight to bed for some much needed sleep before the big day! Wanna hear something funny? Bill and I slept in separate beds both nights! It was so nice to sleep without interruption! Haha...true love, right?

Wedding Weekend Installment #1: The Nail Salon

Okay, so, my SIL's wedding was this weekend. She and her husband have been together forever, so this was a much anticipated event in my husband's family! We had my sister and BIL fly in from Boston (thank God for them) to take care of the kids and drove out to my SIL's house on Friday. It was so weird to be alone and not worrying about anything (i.e. kids)!

When we got there, Christine was leaving to look at the flowers. I had an appointment to get a mani/pedi. Bill and his Dad were waiting for his brother to arrive before picking up the tuxes. I was looking forward to having some time alone and getting my nails done. I don't think I have actually gotten a manicure since before the kids were's just not worth it...gets ruined anyway. Christine gave me the name/number of the place she uses, so I made an appointment. She mentioned that it was a husband and wife and it's not usually that busy, but they don't seem to care...boy, was she right!

I got there and the husband is on the phone right outside the doors yelling at someone! I didn't really know what to do until he opened the door for me (I really think it was for his little yip yip dog, but I'll pretend like it was for me). The whole time, he's yelling, "I'm too busy! I'm very very busy!" I figured that they'd at least have three other people in the place, but there was only one lady getting a pedicure from the wife. The place was huge...many nail stations, 3 pedicure seats (okay...that's not that many), and about 8 rooms for tanning beds. He directs me to take a seat.

He starts my manicure and I realize that this will be very interesting. The first thing I notice is the state that his nails are in! I know that my nail tech's nails are never really in good shape...they'll just get ruined anyway, but come on...this guy's nails were yellow (I later found out he's a heavy smoker), brittle, broken, and cracked. The only one that was in good shape was his pinky nails (like a coke nail, you know?) and those had dirt under them like you wouldn't believe. Everything was going along swimmingly (I was spending a lot of time watching the CNN that was blasting from the television) when the phone rang. He picked it up and started yelling at someone else. It's just at this moment that I notice his yip yip dog chasing something. I think that it's a toy until I realize that it has eight legs and a huge body! He's chasing a gigantic spider...I'm not kidding when I say gigantic! So, he's batting it around and yapping at it...which is really just pissing it off. He's starting to beat it down to eat it when I say, "no, no...don't eat it." I think that was my twin mom side coming out! The guys realizes what the dog is doing and starts to kick the half-dead spider out the front door...still yelling on the least he's a humanitarian by letting the bug live, right?

He sits back down and starts to massage my hands with lotion. I normally love this part, but his hands were so rough that it was pretty uncomfortable. We talked a little bit...he was actually quite nice once you get past the hygiene issues. He did a good job on my nails and directed me to the pedicure chair.

He started the water for me b/c his wife was still finishing up the other lady. I hadn't rolled up my jeans yet, so he had to help me b/c my nails were wet...that was uncomfortable, but it went okay. At that point, I had no choice! He told me to put my feet in the water and I tried, but it was the hottest fucking water I had ever felt. I usually like a hot foot bath before a pedicure, but this was boiling! He turned it down and told me to try again and I still couldn't do it! We went through that a few more times until the temperature of the water went down enough so that the skin didn't melt off of my feet! The wife did a good job, but didn't hesitate to lend her opinion that my color was too dark for a wedding (was she calling me a whore?). Thanks for your input, but what's done is done, right? I then saw the yip yip dog playing with a pretty big worm/caterpillar in the hallway. The husband scooped it up with a piece of paper and put it in the sink...didn't wash it down or anything...just put it in the sink. He really loves saving bugs from that dog. I could never go tanning there after seeing two bugs in one visit!!!

So, I'm done and sitting under the dryers for a little while when I notice the rules. They were pretty eating in the tanning beds, no drinking in the tanning beds, and the ever popular NO URINATING IN THE TANNING ROOMS!!! What??? Are you serious??? Am I reading this right? I seriously would have taken a picture, but didn't want to be insulting. Then I realize that I'm the one worried about being insulting while someone probably actually peed in a tanning room to prompt them to post that sign! I couldn't believe it. I had to get out of there...I paid and walked out into damp, misty, drizzle...lovely. Needless to say, I now realize why people are particular about where they get their nails done. I'm sure that there are things about my salon that other people may feel are gross...nothing like the rules, but some things, right? Onto the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner! To be posted soon!!!

Christine, please realize that I appreciate getting my nails done at all...I just thought the whole exchange was too funny!