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Monday, November 2, 2009

Do You Understand the Words That Are Coming Out of My Mouth??

I have a confession to make. Sometimes I talk to my kids like they're hearing impaired, foreigners, old people, or simply stupid. I know they are none of the above, but sometimes I can't help myself. I wonder if I do it (i.e. slow it down) to calm myself down or if it's because I think they'll understand me better. Or, is it the ever fleeting thought that maybe they'll actually follow my instructions this time.

Here are some examples:
  • They both love to play with the outlet that houses the monitor and the coffee maker. First, no one messes with my coffee maker. Second, that's dangerous...especially if it's on. So, I say, "Please don't touch the plug." I see it again. I take his/her hand and say, "Please don't touch the plug...danger!" There is a significant pause in between each of those words and I am speaking louder than necessary. They do it again...I say (okay, maybe I don't say it...maybe my voice is raised just a little bit), "I said don't touch the outlet...I will have to reset the clock...oh, and you could get hurt too...why aren't you listening to me?" Nice control there, huh? Nice reasoning too...resetting the clock is such a pain in the ass over taking an electrocuted child to the emergency room!
  • After breakfast, the kids like to run around the main floor playing with their toys. Very often they end up at the front windows which are low enough for them to see out of. Sometimes it's cute b/c they say hello to the people walking by...yeah, yeah, cute. They will take some object/toy and bang on our recently replaced windows. On the first offense, I say, "No, no..." They usually look at me, smile, and turn back to the window. This is when I can tell that they're plotting to actually break through the window and hop a plane to Rio. They do it again. I say, "Please don't bang on the windows!" Okay, fine...they seem to get it. One even walks into the other room. I follow that one (the good one) and ask if he/she wants me to read a book. A few seconds later, the other one thinks the coast is clear and starts to bang that window like a ward at an insane asylum! From the other room (with other child still on my lap), I scream, "I SAID NOT TO BANG ON THE WINDOW...YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK IT AND THEN WE'LL HAVE TO MOVE!!!" they could break the window. My kids are going to need therapy.
  • Bathtime...we are having an issue with my two very active little ones standing up during their bath time. Not only is it dangerous and slippery, but there is a significant chance of twin-on-twin violence breaking out. First offense...Matthew is standing up banging Hailey on her head like she's a bongo drum! We say, "Matthew, please sit down." Second offense, Matthew is standing behind Hailey and trying to touch her nose (which results in several missed attempts landing in her eyes and mouth). Grab his arm and gently guide him back into the water while saying, "We said sit down!" Third offense, Matthew has now walked in front of Hailey and it mesmerized with the top of her head. We say, "MATT, SIT DOWN...YOU'RE GOING TO GET HURT!" With that, Hailey promptly grabs his entire package, gives it a nice twist, and we have to assume that Matthew will learn his lesson. It's just that he's not learning his lesson...this happens almost every single bath time. I'm afraid there might be permanent damage done soon! The poor kid...his poor wife...their poor children!
Does this kind of shit happen in anyone else's house? I was just reading a website (one that I previously said that I would continue to read, but would never post on again) and some lady was like, "I even yelled at my daughter today." Really? You yelled? At a toddler? That is crazy! Am I the only one who repeats the word "no" 50,000,000 times a day? Am I the only one who finds it slightly amusing when my children humor me with a meaningful smile and then repeat the offense? Am I the only one who thinks yelling is slightly normal in a house with little ones?