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Saturday, December 5, 2009

A Simple Trip To The Airport, Right? (Part One)

So, my Mom was coming to visit this weekend. She's excited because she hasn't seen the kids since the beginning of October...that's a long time for her! I convince her to forgo her piano lessons on Friday afternoon and fly in then rather than flying in on Saturday and out on Sunday...too short! She acquiesces and I'm in charge of picking her up...a task that should be simple enough.

Her flight is delayed slightly that afternoon, so now I don't have to get to the airport until 7:10. No problem...this means that I can help Bill with dinner, baths, and then leave to get there on time. Dinner was a fiasco...Matthew was picking up the quesadilla that I had so carefully put together for him, holding it up to his face, and screaming into it...what a weirdo! Hailey just wasn't interested in it, so I really have no idea how much they ate. Bill was outside trying to fix the Christmas lights which has mysteriously died out on one side of our house...it reminds me of that Christmas song..."rigging up the lights."

We get the kids upstairs for their baths...Matthew is very happily dunking his entire head (that's right, his entire head) into the water to blow bubbles and Hailey is trying the same thing, but with less depth. They are having a great time...and cracking Bill and I up in the process. Hailey then gets up on one knee, lets out a little grunt, and promptly poops into the tub. This is not completely unlike Hailey...she had a stint a month ago where she pooped in almost every bath we gave them. What is unlikely is the fact that Matthew would choose that moment to dunk his head under the water and blow more bubbles...karma certainly is a bitch...I bet at that moment, he was wishing he hadn't grabbed her nose during that diaper change. I panic at the sight of poop, jump up, and start screaming, "What do I do? Tell me what to do? Noooooo!!!! Get your face out of the poopy water!!!" Bill was cracking up at me then because he can't believe that I still don't know what to do about a poop bath!

We get both kids out of the bathtub and get them in their rooms for diapers and jammies. That went fine...suddenly, I realize that the bed in the guest room is covered with shit...all sorts of shit! Bags of baby clothes, baby blocks, baby bath toys, a bridesmaid dress that I don't have a clue what to do with, diapers, scrapbooking shit, Christmas moose, and many other sundries that I have since blocked from memory. I start stashing shit, but we don't have any room...the bags of clothes are now on the floor surrounding the bed...nice decorating, huh? Oh well...the bed is free! Then I realize that I'm late...panic again...oh shit...my mother is going to be sitting at the airport in less than 10 minutes and I need to get the hell out of here!

Kiss the babies, run downstairs, put my boots on, put lipstick on, grab a coat, grab a seltzer and pour it into a glass (why a glass, I'll never know), and head for the car. The last thing Bill says to me is, "don't rush." I get in the car and call my sister...needed to talk to her about Christmas presents for Bill. I have to take a windy country road to get to the main roads, so I'm on my way. My Mom calls to tell her that she's landed and I realize that I'm so far away that I don't even want to tell her how long it will be. I tell her that I'm on the road and make a right turn onto another windy road. All of the sudden, I feel this weird feeling on my ass. I know the seat heaters are on, but I've never felt this feeling before. It's very weird, but I need to get off the phone to investigate. I pull off on the side of the road (along with 50,000 deer, some bowhunters, and probably a serial killer or two), put my hazards on and realize that while I was turning the corner, my seltzer must have tipped from the glass to spill all over my ass. I immediately turn off the seat heaters because I'm afraid that I'm going to get electrocuted (WTF?). My ass is soaking wet and I don't have a towel in the car, but I do have diapers. I take a diaper...because they're absorbent...and proceed to wipe up the seltzer. I thought about sticking one down my pants to absorb it out of my jeans, but that seemed like a little much.

So, I get back on the road again, call my sister to relay the story. She thinks I'm out of my mind...that's pretty typical for our relationship. We keep talking as I get on the main highway. We're chatting along and I go to pass a truck. There is a car behind the truck that comes into the outside lane, right in front of me. He proceeds to pass the truck and move back to the inside lane. Then I pass him and realize, "holy shit...it's a fucking cop!" Now, I'm moving at a pretty good clip b/c that's how I normally drive on this particular road and the car in front of me (a.k.a. Copper) is as well...I was going with the flow of traffic, right? I proceed to slow down and pray (along with my sister who is still on the phone...hey, at least it was on a hands free, right?) that he doesn't pull me over. I slow down significantly, get into the inside lane, right in front of Copper and his lights go on...crap...I'm getting pulled over. This sucks...I get off the phone and pull over. All I can hear in my head is Bill saying, "don't rush." I'm screwed...to be continued.