I DON'T SPEED...I HAVE KIDS
What? Shit! Shit! Shit! I'm not supposed to speed because I have kids?!?!!! Why didn't anyone tell me??? I've been speeding because I do have kids! You're not supposed to speed because of those little nuggets??? They should really put that in the manual. Here are what the kids do to make me speed:
1. Sleep late on mornings that we have activities.
2. Take F.O.R.E.V.E.R. to eat their breakfast (and freak out when I try to clear their trays b/c they're not done yet although I know it's really b/c they want to watch another Sesame Street video).
3. "Lose" their socks when trying to get their socks and shoes on.
4. Unzip their jackets while I'm getting the other one dressed.
5. Remind me at the last minute that the dog needs to go out to take her morning crap (as if I don't deal with enough crap around here).
6. Wait until both kids are dressed to take craps...that's right...two of them...fully dressed...coats, jackets, hats, the whole nine...toot, toot, squirt, wahhhhh (yes, that's me crying at the end)!
7. Move around like King Cobras while I'm changing their crappy diapers in just the right way so that I end up shoving my fingers right into the pile of crap that I'm desperately trying to avoid.
8. "Lose" one of their shoes while I'm changing their diaper (usually turns out that the other one has stolen it and has it in a "secret place").
9. Lost sippies...I spend my entire life on my hands and knees looking for these damn sippy cups!
10. Oh shit...forgot to pack a snack and their cute little heads will spin around like they're being exorcised if I don't have a fucking cheese stick in my bag!
Those are just the Top Ten...take that, Dave!
So, I digress (yeah...just a little)! I speed up (irony?) because I have to see what the woman looks like and how many car seats she has in her non-speeding vehicle/kidmobile. You know what? No carseats and she's like 60 years old! No stickers on the windows. No "Baby on Board" sign. No sign of kids ANYWHERE!!! WTF??? You lie!!! LIAR LIAR LIAR!!! I can't believe you're lying about your reason for not speeding!!! How lame!!! I was so pissed that I sped up, cut her off, and slowed down...take that!
Disclaimer: I have always had a heavy foot. I recently got stopped for speeding (see this post and this post for the story...horribly embarrassing). I have been MUCH MUCH MUCH better since having the babies b/c I would never hear the end of it if something happened due to the fact that I am late or wanted to get ahead of a certain unmarked police car. So, just thought I should mention that. Also, my Road Rage has calmed significantly...except for this time...