Ebb and flow (definition from dictionary.com): A decline and increase, constant fluctuations.
I know that all marriages go through ebbs and flows...ours is no different.
We go through life with this person by our side. This person is supposed to be our complement, our support, our counterpart.
It's okay not to agree with everything that this person thinks and does though.
That's okay.
You're not clones...you're complements.
Complement (definition from dictionary.com): something that completes or makes perfect, the quantity or amount that completes anything, either of two parts or things needed to complete the whole; counterpart.
Here's the thing though...can anyone really make you perfect? I think that's an overly romanticized idea. Maybe I'm just being too practical again and not emotional enough.
Where is the love?
Is there love? Of course there is...it just comes out in different ways now.
Husband and I make a good team in lots of ways. We can work well toward a common goal. We pick up the slack if one of us is having an "off" day. We encourage each other on goals that take us outside of the household (i.e. his ten-mile race or my education).
In some ways, we don't work well together. When there is too much stress, we don't communicate. When we don't communicate, things get misinterpreted. When things get misinterpreted, we bicker over ridiculous things.
I hate it.
I hate the lack of communication, the misinterpretations, and the bickering. I hate the snippy comments, rolling of eyes, and thoughts that creep into my head. I despise when these things happen in front of the kids.
Husband says that it's a normal part of a family. He says that he saw his parents fight and make up and he's fine. I guess it's different when you come from parents who got divorced...you don't get to see the "make up" part. You don't even really know it exists.
Don't I want my kids to see both sides? Well...that's a tough one. I think it's good for them to see a marriage work...with all of its beauty and ugliness, marriage is work.
Don't they need to see both parts to form a comprehensive picture of what marriage is? Hmmm...okay, yes.
By seeing that, will they have a healthy idea of how to choose a mate and create a household? Yes.
I can't believe that I'm going to set an example for two children of how marriage works...or doesn't. That's a lot of responsibility. I wonder if most parents realize how much responsibility that really is. Do they know that kids catch every single comment, eye roll, and flickering thought that passes over their parents' faces? They see it all and it imprints on them in some way.
It could be the way they treat their siblings.
It could be the way they treat their friends.
It could be the way they treat their parents.
It will be the way they treat their future spouse...wow...it most certainly will be that.
That's a huge responsibility.
So while dealing with the daily ebb and flow of life, we need to realize that in addition to sustaining our own marriage and making life work in our household, we are also influencing future relationships and marriages and kids (if you really want to complete the cycle).
For all the pictures I take, I have stopped taking pictures of me and Husband...that makes me sad. I need to start doing that again...
Not sure what my objective is of this post...I have been thinking a lot about marriage this week (God, it's only Tuesday...what will Friday bring? World peace?) and sat down to write about it. This is where I ended up. Interesting...I've never been much of a "rough draft, edit" person...I like that about myself.
What is the most difficult part of your relationship? Whether you have kids or not, I think we all know that marriage or any kind of partnership takes work...how do you work on it?
Ummm...Please Don't Steal My Craziness...Okay? Thanks!
People I Love...follow along if you're so inclined!
16 comments:
You are so right. Marriage is work. There are times when my husband and I work harder than other times. I think you are right...we need to do the little things like taking pictures of "us". We just went away for several days and I have NO pictures of us. haha!
I'not hitched or in a relationship so I can't answer for myself. But my sister and I had this conversation about 6 months ago... she was venting and asking the same things about her marriage.
Right after they made some "our time" and some other changes and they have been stronger than I have ever seen them... I love seeing that. Maybe though since the kids are getting older it is easier for them??
I've read several times that one of the best gifts you can give your children is that of a healthy husband / wife relationship. And you're right...that's a lot of pressure! I wish I could say I'm satisfied with what we've shown our kiddos so far. The first 16 months with twins (after almost 10 years of relatively responsibility-free marriage) has been tough. I'm just hoping we can continue to work together towards our goals.
Great post!
As far as Riley, he just has me. He's been calling all of his friend's fathers "dada" because he thinks it's their name, not title. It tears me apart. I cry at night about it. So my difficulty is to decide how and when to explain family dynamics. And the dreaded question "where's my daddy?". And then if I do get married one day (I don't even have time to date!) how do I explain it to him?
I have a lot of respect for you juggling a marriage and TWO amazing kiddies. My parents are divorced, so I know what it feels like to see ending a marriage as an option. An ugly one, but still, an option.
So it's not you, everybody has their struggles. Everybody's struggles are different. I feel for you. You have a lot on your plate. Let me know if you need anybody to cry/ vent to, we don't live that far away!!
i think about this all the time, and you are so right. it's a huge freakin' responsibility! i never like for the kids to see hubs and i bicker, but it seems inevitable. as long as they see us talking, apologizing and moving on together - maybe it will do more good than bad...? i sure hope so. this was a great post, mama.
This was a great post. But now you made me think hard and it's nap time and I don't want to think right now! But anyway...to answer your question: Living life is difficult when you have kids. We know how blessed we are to have these tiny people in our lives and we both have the same goals for our family...but there is never enough time. Not enough time to get the house clean, to spend "quality " time with all of your kids, to cook healthy meals that they will actually eat. It's stressful. The husband has a great job that allows me to stay home, but it's a very demanding job. He has to work late and on weekends... A LOT!!! It sucks because I am fried at the end of the day and I just need him here. I need him to take over a little when I have nothing left to give, when my patience has run out, and to let me just get a freakin' shower! But many nights he doesn't get home until the kids are in bed, and that's hard. I know I need to be more supportive and more grateful because it could be so much worse. We have to remind ourselves and each other to communicate...constantly. The kids see us fight sometimes, but we make a huge effort to make sure they see us make up, too.
Wow...this turned into a really looong comment. Sorry. But it felt good to vent!
PS- I emailed you a few questions a little while ago...just wondering if you got it or not?
Weird, D & I were just talking about this today. I've just got my period so was extra irritable (no excuse but it is what it is) and so we were also snippy with one another and I said, I don't want us speaking like this in front of the kids. C esp doesn't like discord. So we kissed and hugged and all is well for the next few hours :)
it is a huge responsibility. the vastness of it has not really hit me yet. i'm still worrying about if the kids will be able to learn to speak/read/write etc...
i was just thinking about the photo thing today, too. i have a ton of pics of the kids, but not as much of the kids with me or B or of just me and B together. wonder if that comes back on its own or if you really have to work at it?
My husband and I don't have a perfect relationship, but we are always trying to show our girls by example. Growing up in a seriously dysfunctional household, I can only hope that we are able to do all the right things (whatever that may be).
wow! deep thoughts!! (& good ones!) Both my husband and I are blessed to have been children of long lasting marriages. His parents would have been married 50 years the year his dad passed away. My parents have been married for 42 years and my grandparents were married 67 years when my grandfather passed away.
I can attest that their marriages weren't/aren't perfect...there was good, bad and ugly...but they stuck to it and they apologized and they worked together to build a family. I can't even imagine being in another home though where it was all one sided and no making up and moving on. Life wasn't all roses but we learned from both the good and the bad.
As for our relationship? Our biggest issue used to be money...but now its probably that we don't take enough time for ourselves and for each other. We put 100% into our kids, jobs and home...and rarely have much left for each other. We do ok but we definitely need to take more time for US and really talk more often - really connect.
ebb and flow...what a fabulous way to think about your relationship, because dependant on the body of water you are traveling can certainly adjust your ebb and flow.
I come from the "typical" american family: parents divorce, mom remarries a great guy who I adore! He bears the title dad, and will for ever! Husband on the other hand is a product of the Leave it to Beaver life...his mom and dad just celebrated 32yrs of marriage. Is either of these better than the other, NO!
Marriage is definitely a you get out what you put in, relationship. Do we put in less some days, sure...it is called lack of sleep and the idiot going slow in the left hand lane. However, I have learned that if God is at the center of your relationship, and you pattern your love for your partner after the love Jesus had for the church...you will be on the road to happiness and success.
I am glad to know that you and the hubby work at your relationship, just as long as you enjoy the relationship as well. Love is a powerful thing, no matter how you show it, as long as you have it...you will go far.
Wow, are you in my head?? haha
Just last night husband and I bickered all night over stupid stuff, groceries for God's sake is what started it. We were snappy and short with one another all night and then at the end of the night he wanted to be "romantic"....ummm, no thank you, not after the way we had been towards one another. I hate it too. I can't stand it. Somewhere along the way we quit taking photos together as well, heck we don't even do anything anymore just the two of us. I miss that a lot. I've mentioned this to him several times but nothing ever changes. Very sad. Most of the time we are fine but definitely more snappy nights towards one another than I would like to encounter. How to change this, I'm still trying to figure this out.
I don't know any couples that don't appear to have the same issues. I never thought Marriage could bring the emotional battles that it does. We have to work on it all the time. Last year was really rough but this year is better. We always take one night away from the kids for out anniversary. We get a sitter and we find a great hotel within driving distance and shop, eat, drink, whatever we feel like. It's always so rejeuvinating and we look forward to it every year.
We battle communication everyday...it's never easy...unfortunately. I'm not sure what that means for us down the road.
What a post! And such great comments, too! Children bring such a unique strain to marriage. On the one hand, they unify you and bond your desires and goals for a lifetime, but on the other, they distract and divert attention away from each other. I would never go hours without hugging and kissing my kids, but I find I can go all day without it from my husband. But it takes its toll on us both. And, we all know, men are like babies - they want attention and affection, but we want them to forget about all that in favor of the kids! Writing is healthy, too! Helps to release!
This post couldn't have come at a better time. My husband and I definitely have peaks and valleys in our marriage, more valleys in the last few years though.
I often forget that our kids are watching and listening all the time...we are their role models. My husband and I are guilty of being disrespectful of one another in front of the kids and we really need to stop doing that.
And then I wonder why the kids fight so much with one another...geez, it's like a light bulb just went off over my head!
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