Uninvited Invaders
cel·lu·lite
lumpy fat deposits, esp. in the thighs and buttocks.
Special thanks to Dictionary.com for that one...however, I must say NO SHIT!!! Lumpy fat deposits...ya think???!!!???
I am grossed out...how did they get there? I never invited them to take up residence in my thighs, but they're here...fat deposits...wonderful.
I WANT THEM OUT...GET OUT OF MY BODY!!!
Trust me, I didn't just get them...they've been there for a little while, but I've recently begun to take more of an interest in them. No, not enough to get liposuction (however it's not completely out of the question), but enough to seriously inspect them...talk about an exercise in self-control.
There was no crying in the making of this post.
Cellulite is a topographic skin change that is claimed to occur in most postpubertal females.
"Claimed to occur???" Seriously??? Do you not have eyes??? These are not empty claims. The cellulite is real and it's here to stay. No one would claim this shit unless it was real. Trust me.
Wikipedia also says that you shouldn't wear tight undies because "Wearing tight underwear enhances cellulite formation by impeding the flow of lymphatic fluid in the hips and thighs." Ummm...gross, but thanks for the tip.
Seriously, calling it orange peel syndrome or cottage cheese does not make it any more cute...it actually just makes me lose my appetite for oranges and cottage cheese (although I'm not sure I had one to begin with anyway). Orange farmers should be pissed that they're likening their precious crops to this hideous womanly occurrence.
Anyway, I'm putting it out there...I have it...it's on the back of my legs fer sher and definitely on the front. Husband claims not to see it...yeah...gotta love him, but he's full of shit...either that or I need to have a chat with his optometrist b/c something ain't right there!
Just going on record for saying that I could see why women get lipo as nothing else will fix this horror show...if only I could get lipo without having to go under the laughy gas and with a short recovery time...oh, and it were covered by insurance!
I'm not sure you got the memo about your job description. I'm only saying this because you're doing everything wrong. I hope you understand that I love you and, while I understand that I don't have much of a choice, I will burn you at the stake if you don't shape up.
You are responsible for the following tasks:
Sincerely, Rebecca
Special thanks to Dictionary.com for that one...however, I must say NO SHIT!!! Lumpy fat deposits...ya think???!!!???
I am grossed out...how did they get there? I never invited them to take up residence in my thighs, but they're here...fat deposits...wonderful.
I WANT THEM OUT...GET OUT OF MY BODY!!!
Trust me, I didn't just get them...they've been there for a little while, but I've recently begun to take more of an interest in them. No, not enough to get liposuction (however it's not completely out of the question), but enough to seriously inspect them...talk about an exercise in self-control.
There was no crying in the making of this post.
Cellulite is a topographic skin change that is claimed to occur in most postpubertal females.
"Claimed to occur???" Seriously??? Do you not have eyes??? These are not empty claims. The cellulite is real and it's here to stay. No one would claim this shit unless it was real. Trust me.
Wikipedia also says that you shouldn't wear tight undies because "Wearing tight underwear enhances cellulite formation by impeding the flow of lymphatic fluid in the hips and thighs." Ummm...gross, but thanks for the tip.
Seriously, calling it orange peel syndrome or cottage cheese does not make it any more cute...it actually just makes me lose my appetite for oranges and cottage cheese (although I'm not sure I had one to begin with anyway). Orange farmers should be pissed that they're likening their precious crops to this hideous womanly occurrence.
Anyway, I'm putting it out there...I have it...it's on the back of my legs fer sher and definitely on the front. Husband claims not to see it...yeah...gotta love him, but he's full of shit...either that or I need to have a chat with his optometrist b/c something ain't right there!
Just going on record for saying that I could see why women get lipo as nothing else will fix this horror show...if only I could get lipo without having to go under the laughy gas and with a short recovery time...oh, and it were covered by insurance!
Dear Bathing Suit,
I'm not sure you got the memo about your job description. I'm only saying this because you're doing everything wrong. I hope you understand that I love you and, while I understand that I don't have much of a choice, I will burn you at the stake if you don't shape up.
You are responsible for the following tasks:
- Your deliciously decorated fabric must distract viewers from the growing patches of cellulite on the backs of my legs. If you're not distracting, then we have issues.
- Your straps must no longer cut into my back fat.
- Your boob cups must actually cup my boobs...I don't want any possibility of a nip slip while in the pool with my children...no matter how hard they tug.
- If my tummy should happen to pop out, it is your job to restrain it...I mean, come on, you're all spandexy, right? Hold that shit in place for the love of God!!! It's not my fault that my body took on another shape entirely after birthing the Crazies...however, it will be your fault if you don't do something about it...and soon.
- Please cease and desist all battles you are having with my ass cheeks for position. Your position is under my ass cheek...not in the middle, not one at a time (even if it makes your job easier), and God take mercy on your soul if you even think about going higher!!! Just stay put! Don't let the cheek get the best of you! Hang in there!!!
Sincerely, Rebecca
8 comments:
Ugh, I hate cellulite too. I've been having a real problem with it lately and I've been working out like crazy and it won't go away. It's make me feel so old!
I don't even want to look at myself in a mirror. Remember when you were first pregnant with the crazies how you would (I'm guessing) catch yourself in a store window or the mirror and be all shocked and happy that you looked pregnant? Well, this time around, not so much. The new bump is NOT filling out all the sagging skin. Seriously, it seems like it is just stretching different skin up higher and leaving the old flappy, wrinkly, stretched skin below. It is disgusting. There very well might be a tummy tuck in my future.
Have you ever heard of Thermage? Saw a clip about it on The Doctors (same episode that also featured my RE touting his book). Google "thermage." It looks interesting.
Definitely a mom-suit kinda year, for maybe the next 6 years or so! I'm seriously considering looking into that Monarch Medspa place in Timonium. They have some sort of ultra sound lipo that would make the perfect "I've-been-a-bad-husband" gift! Oh money fairy...
ha! I was hoping by this summer to be in a bit better shape for a swim suit but I seriously fell off the workout wagon this spring and am pretty much back to where I began. ugh! Maybe I just buy a wet suit - that should hold it all in, right?
I love your letter and yes, cellulite sucks! I hate it!
I'm totally with you!! Blah... Yes it's a badge of mommyhood or whatever to have pockets of fat everywhere, but really? No. It's gross. I've been inspecting, too. Blah.
I keep trying to date a surgeron. That way me and all my friends can look even more perfect. I haven't found a single one yet. I got as close as a male nurse in a lipo center. I'm so not Heidi Montag, but sometimes I think this quest makes me sound like her...
You are such a mess, you crack me up!! I'm right there with you but I'm just trying not to let it bother me anymore!! Wish me luck!
This was HYSTERICAL!! I totally have a love/hate relationship with my bathing suit too, but I'm not letting it win this year. I'm sexy dammit, and I'll wear it with pride!
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