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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Bad Dreams...ugh!

"Mama has to go to work,'ll be okay here."

Sad look from Matthew.

"You'll be okay.  You have plenty of toys to play with and I'm going to leave the TV on for you."

Mama inches closer to the door trying to avoid Matt's nervous and sad looks.

"I love you."

I have to go to work.  If I don't, I'll lose my job.  I feel horrible that I don't have anyone to watch him, but I have to go to work.

I'm sure this isn't legal, but something in my brain is telling me it's okay.  Something is saying that I have to do this if I want to pay my rent.  Something is pushing me out the door and leaving my 2-year old son all by himself.  

While I wait tables, Matt is quietly playing with his toys and watching Thomas.  Maybe he will be okay.  Maybe all of this will be just's just this once after all.  

Matt eats the sandwich I left for him for dinner.  He's getting sad now.  It's starting to get dark.

He knows it's time to go to bed, so he goes upstairs and tries to get in his crib, but he can't.  He tries again and again, but he just can't get in there.

He starts crying...sobbing...calling for his Mama.

He falls asleep crying on the floor.

I wake up.

This is the dream that caused me to wake before my alarm this 5:16 AM.  Where did this dream come from?  Why does it bring tears to my eyes 2 hours later? 

The reason this made me so sad this morning is that this sort of thing actually happens.  I'm sure there are desperate mothers all over this country who have had to resort to this sort of thing.  They're torn between making money to pay their bills and keep a roof over their heads and doing what is right for their child. 

I have no idea where this dream came from, but it was the kind of dream that I couldn't forget.  Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Matt sobbing next to his crib and I was awake again. 

I don't even know why I'm posting this...I just had to get it out.


Jamie said...

that would be the worst feeling ever...I cannot imagine. IF this were a dream I had, I would be scared to close my eyes...

Shell said...

:( I'm sure there are people who have to do that. So heartbreaking.

Denise said...

I'm close to tears just reading this. What an awful dream and an awful reality for some.

Mom said...

Aw, honey, it was just a dream!

How do you remember them so well? It must be a gift - or a curse.

Love you

Danifred said...

Ugh. It breaks my heart just THINKING about it!

Barbara Manatee said...

sad and terrifying all at once. :-(

Life with Gemelos said...

Ugghhh...this made me cry! I can't imagine. How sad that this is reality for people.

Amanda said...

This made me cry this morning reading it. I could picture how pitiful Matt sobbing in the floor. I could picture my Jack-Jack doing the same thing...breaks. my. heart.

I hate that there are people out there that live their lives like this. Heartbreaking for all of them.