For years I thought I was "fertile."
Then, at the age of 32, I was told otherwise...and my heart broke.
My heart broke for children I never even knew I wanted. My heart broke for the woman who thought she could do anything. My heart broke for the husband that didn't sign up for this. My heart broke for the grandparents who seemed to understand, but probably didn't really get it. My heart broke for all of us.
When I was finally deemed "infertile," we had to deal with it. Deal with it, we did...many months of trying on our own...two operations...one mock IUI...three failed IUIs...one IVF.
Thank God for that one fated IVF.
All of the sudden, we were "fertile." I mean, seriously...you must be fertile if you're pregnant with twins, right?
However, I still felt infertile...to my soul.
After all, if I couldn't do it on my own, I didn't actually earn the title of "fertile," right? So, I have no right to complain about my sudden fertility. Who did I think I was? It all felt like a sham.
I swore that I'd never say or do things that "normal" mothers did. There were so many things...it seems laughable now.
I swore I'd never complain...just let me get pregnant and I'll cherish every minute. I'll love every single moment of being a mother...even if it's hard...even if it hurts...even if it makes me ache for the days before motherhood...I won't complain.
But I did complain...and still do. Does that make me callous? Unfeeling? Insensitive? Does it make me forget the infertile land that I came from?
Nope. I know where I came from. I know what I am. Moreover, I know who I am.
I am a woman who was diagnosed as infertile. I am a woman who didn't even know how badly she wanted kids until she was told she couldn't have them. I am a woman who is real and is going to be real in her descriptions of her life...including pregnancy, childbirth, and the difficulties of being a mother. Just because I complain about it, make jokes about it, make light of certain situations, does not mean that I am any more "fertile" than I was. I'm not...I just have to be real...fertile or infertile.
8 comments:
I feel exactly the same!
After having made it through the desert and gotten the tshirt to prove it, I really struggled after the girls were born. I was feeling those same things that I imagine most new moms feel...I was overwhelmed and exhausted...and I felt so guilty for it. Here I had waited for so long, I should be in a complete state of bliss all the time, right?
I am so truly grateful for my children...so very in awe at their existence and my wonderful fortune in getting to be their mom...but I try to remind myself that doesn't mean I can't get tired and overwhelmed, just like any mom. It's OK. It's natural. And I shouldn't impose some extra-special layer of guilt.
Truer words were never spoken!!
It's nice to know we are all "normal moms" even if we started from different paths. We're all human-WHO KNEW?! I do feel that I cherish my children a little more, but maybe that is all in my head. I also hate that I judge the fertiles for the way the raise their children, the amount of children the have, whatever hair is tickling my a$$ that day. That's something I'm really trying to work on.
If you can't be you on your own blog then what is the point you know? You are allowed to complain and vent.. seriously.. we are human and we have to do those things.. it releases steam in my opinion ;-)
I think it's normal to still complain.
I have a friend whose son came really early and she yells at women who complain about being uncomfortable at the end of their pregnancies. She says that if she ever carrie to full term, she wouldn't complain. But, I think that you can't say anything unless you've been there.
Not entirely the same thing. Maybe just my rant.
Just because you want something with all your heart doesn't mean that you won't find it/ them annoying when they're screaming at the top of their lungs and refuse to talk in a non-whining voice that doesn't make your skin crawl.
Just sayin' :)
I have so many friends that struggled with IF, (including myself)
and it took me a long time to be able to sit down one day and say..."okay, wow. This is hard. I'm tired. I need a break."
I think IF makes us feel like we're not going to be "normal" Moms. That's what IF does...makes us feel like there is something wrong with us. But we're still Moms, we're still human. We're still us....just because we struggled to get here, doesn't make us different.
I feel like you fought to have kids, which is amazing. So you are entitled to all the complaining, crying and such that has come with having children. And you got TWO kids. twice as much complaining in my opinion. You would be a "sham" if you didn't complain like the rest of us.
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