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Thursday, January 14, 2010

Thanks Scale...and I hate you (holy long post...I guess I have a lot to say about my weight)

IDK what to do...I work out several times a week (well, now that the kids aren't sick and the holidays are over, I do).

  • I do cardio and push-ups on Mondays.
  • I do and hour of Pilates on Tuesdays.
  • I usually get to the gym on Wednesdays and do a mix of cardio and weights.
  • I spin on Sundays (also an hour).
  • I chase two increasingly fast children all around my house, make several trips up and down the stairs, get them (and a double stroller) into the car at least once a day, and still, this is where I find myself???
I have been the same weight for a year in spite of this exercise (which is not something I enjoy doing by nature and apparently my body understands that)! I eat well...my husband is a health freak...not a nature nut, but a health freak. His family has a history of heart disease and diabetes, so he is really intent on having a preemptive strike in place. We eat eggs, dairy, yogurt, fruit, veggies, lean meat, whole wheat great, whole wheat pasta, whole wheat pretzels (talk about taking the fun out of a snack food), and still, this is where I find myself???

I went for my annual exam yesterday. I waited a freaking hour to even get into a room so that I could strip down and really focus on my insecurities. I get back to the second waiting area only to be weighed. Trust me...I was not looking forward to this. I have spent months listening to my husband tell me that the scale at the gym was probably off and uncalibrated (his word...not mine) and that I had to be losing weight given the exercise and healthy eating. I knew that when I got to the doctor's office, the scale would be "calibrated" and I would have to face the music.

I step on (fully clothed, of course) in my sweater, jeans, and boots and watched that damn number climb all the way to 147.6. All I could think of in my head was fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou. Aren't I mature? Yeah...I wanted to pick that damn thing up and throw it across the office. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed and the nurse suggested that I use the restroom before my appointment. I guess the combination of waiting for an eternity and wanting to shave the remaining fat off my stomach with her pen made her think that I needed a time-out.

I got in the examination room, stripped down, and proceeded to check myself out. Okay, here's where the real gets real. There is no angling the mirror so that it's more flattering or adjusting the light so that all of the cellulite doesn't show...this is real. The mirror is mounted and I really don't think they'd appreciate me removing it from the wall just so that I can get a better look at my goodies.

From the front, not too shabby. Yes, I have this horrible twin skin (lovely term, right?) that I just don't know what to do with. I personally believe that all twin pregnancies (especially when they're c-section) should come with a complimentary tummy tuck. Come on...we've earned it, right? You're already in there...get rid of some of this shit that is now hanging from my previously taut belly!

From the back, seriously? I won't even go into description...let's just say that my back end is the area that I have always been a little self-conscious about. I have a (how do you spell it?) ba donk a donk. Yes...I believe that's the correct spelling. I have an ass on me. I'm not embarrassed of it, but it did take me several years to understand that this is my body type and there's not one thing I can do about it...or is there?

I always thought that it was a lie when people would say, the last ten pounds are the hardest. Seriously! I thought it was a lie made up by fat people so that they could have an excuse for not finishing their diet plan/exercise plan/change your life and get off the couch plan. I never believed it...not for one second. I would nod sympathetically when someone would say it, but I did not believe it. I do now...I've been drawn into this web of the last ten pounds. I never got it...I never had to worry...

I'm realistic though. I just want to get under 140 at this point. I have given up trying to be my pre-pregnancy weight of 135. I have totally put to bed the idea that I could get back to my wedding weight of 127 (WTF? I was skinny). So, what to do? I ask the doctor if I'm overweight...as I'm asking it, tears starts to creep into the corners of my eyes. Don't cry...you're going to be fat, naked, crying girl and this doctor is going to panic...DON'T CRY!!! I didn't cry...I recovered. He said that I'm not necessarily overweight and that the "normal" weights that they use are often skewed. He did say that I'm probably on the low side of overweight on the BMI calculators. Great...

Doctor's suggestions? More challenging workouts and carb restriction...shit! Carb restriction? Fuck me!!!

So, I push myself back into my jeans, pull my sweater over my tummy, and leave. I get home to a stressed out (albeit calm) husband who has a phone interview in 10 minutes and two babies beaming at me from their highchairs. They have Italian Meatball Soup all over their faces and I couldn't be happier. My husband proceeds to tell me (for the millionth time) that I look great and offers normal suggestions (add another spin class, don't eat dinner at 8:00, etc.). I am happy...after all of this, I see my babies and my husband and I am happy.

I will make changes...here they are (in a list, of course):
  • Add another spin class.
  • Try to do one during the week (Wednesdays would be perfect if they have one on the schedule).
  • No carbs if dinner is past 7:00. Just meat and veggies.
  • Less alcohol...for some reason, my OCD makes me do everything in sets of 2 (guess that includes having children...although that wasn't my doing...it was the doctor). So, if I have a glass of wine, I have to have two glasses of wine. This is bizarre and I need to stop.
  • Snacks...this is where I have a little bit of an issue. My only snacks are popcorn in the afternoon and a yogurt in the morning (the occasional cheese stick). I am pretty good then. It's when I'm tutoring...the vending machine has all of these yummy treats in it. I need to pack healthier snacks. Period.
Sorry for my venting. This is a new issue for me and I really need to get it right. I spent the better part of the Victoria's Secret catalog searching for bathing suits that could cover certain areas...that also reminds me...I'm getting old too! Haha...until tomorrow!

Friday Night Leftovers


Thank you to Danifred for getting me going on this...I could do it every night!
This is basically all the crap floating around in my head...enjoy!

  • White t-shirts - why can't I find any decent ones? Any suggestions?
  • Leg in crib - Matt has this habit of getting his leg stuck in between his crib slats lately...at 3 AM. He uses them to help him move around the crib, but ends up getting stuck...really stuck. Then he cries, wakes us up, wakes Hailey up, and is just a sad little kid. I hope he'll get through this stage pretty quickly.
  • Pandora - love it!!!!
  • MDX - still love it!!! I am so lucky that I love my car as much as I did when we bought it. Yes, it's a little dirtier. Yes, there's a lot more dog hair in the trunk. Yes, there are many more miles on it, but I frigging love my car. I get all sulky when I have to drive Bill's car to tutoring, but I guess it is a good idea for him to have the car seats in case something happens. I miss my heat seaters though!!!
  • Young Moms at the OB/GYN - OMG...I can't believe how many young mothers were at the OB's office the other day. I was a little horrified. They all seemed to know each other too...that was the weird part. Do they even know how lucky they are? They're young enough that their bodies haven't broken yet! Do they even know how screwed they are? It's so freaking hard to do it as an adult...I couldn't imagine doing it as a kid...yikes!
  • I lost a follower - who would do that to me? Did I curse too much? Was I too open with my feelings? What did I do to lose you? Maybe I'm just not that interesting...I'm fine with that...I entertain the shit out of myself! Haha....
  • I don't eat that much to begin with - now I have to do carb restriction? Ick...
  • High school regrets - So, you know how FB is having this throwback week this week? Well, it's bringing me down! I dedicated so much time to my silly boyfriend (yes...we were in love) that I lost all of my friends and have no memories that don't include him...ick. Also, there is this kid that I knew in high school that I sent a friend request to and he hasn't confirmed me yet. So, I was like why not? How could he not remember me? Then I was like, he farted on my head at a party one time. Then I was like, why the hell would I want to be friends with someone who did that to me? Gotta love when FB really makes you look at your priorities!
  • Babies waking up early in the morning - Bill and I get up earlier than the babies for me to get ready and so that Bill can get off to work without being attacked by little ones. It's much harder to leave for work on time when you're getting those pathetic little looks that just scream pick me up! So, lately, the babies have been waking up the minute my alarm goes off...it's like the have an alarm clock in their room. They do go back to sleep (most of the time), but it still stresses me out!
  • How do kids get freckles? Hailey has two freckles...how did she get them? Aren't freckles caused by the sun? She's barely been in the sun and one of them hasn't ever seen the light of day. She didn't have them when she was born...I gotta admit though...they're adorable!
  • Hand washing...annoying much? OMG...my hands are getting raw despite using moisturizing soap. I wash them before I cook, after I touch meat, before I serve the meal, after I clean up the kids, before I change their diapers, after I change their diapers, after we come in from being in public (dirty public people), after I use the bathroom, before I go to bed, etc...when will it end? It feels pretty futile to use lotion too when I'm just going to wash it off!
  • An actual conversation - after I returned from tutoring last night (at 9:30), Bill and I sat down and had an actual conversation...no TV, computer, or phones involved. Amazing...we're pretty stressed out and busy right now. We're trying to hold it together, but things are CRAZY!!!
Okay...I feel better...all that crap out of my head.