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Thursday, March 11, 2010

If I Never Washed My Jeans

I'll admit it...I hate to wash my jeans.

There is nothing good about freshly washed jeans.

I will wear them until I HAVE to wash them.

Does that make me gross?

I don't think so...I think it makes me smart.

So, how would my life be if I never washed my jeans?

Here's how:

  • My thighs would feel comfortable. They wouldn't feel like sausage entering the casing at a Hillsh.ire Farms packing plant (go meat!). That (and the way I got into my jeans today) can be uncomfortably violent to watch!
  • My ass would forget that the Muffin Man has been doing some serious "baking" to get the top of the ass all the way over the waist of my jeans! Yes...I consider the Muffin area part of my ass. As far as I'm concerned, most of my body issues stem from my ass. I blamed my cankles on my ass during pregnancy.
  • My ass would never have to say, "have these pockets always been this small?"
  • My legs wouldn't have to do the involuntary squats that it takes to pack all of the thigh meat into the jeans.
  • I would feel like I was wearing my pajamas...yummy.
  • My stomach would forget that I ever had twins...and the lovely wrinkly elephant knee that now resides on my tummy to go along with that! Instead, my tummy is bisected in ways that should never really happen. I am cursing the day that I asked my tailor to take these in (stupid non-pregnant skinny girl that I used to be). I may send him hate mail...haha...just kidding!
  • I would still actually believe I lost weight!
I will never do this again...

I will never wash my jeans again...

I will never pick up a child while wearing my jeans (OMG...this is where I start lying...imagine that I never picked up a child while wearing jeans...I'd be screwed!), therefore risking a stain that would result in washing my jeans.

That's how this nightmare started in the first place...I took Matt out of his highchair after lunch and didn't realize (as I slid him slowly to the floor...him laughing the whole time...he thought it was hysterically funny...and it was...) that there was a carrot placed directly between his legs. So, as his slid down my tummy and leg, the highly pigmented carrot did too...nice.

So, while it was great to see him laugh his way to the floor, the horror that crossed my face while realizing that my jeans would HAVE to go into the wash must have been really confusing for him.

The big question...how often do you wash your favorite jeans???

Disclaimer: I know there are worse things that could happen in my life. I know that there are more serious issues I could blog about (for instance, the fact that some school district in the mid-West canceled their prom b/c a student wanted to bring her girlfriend and wear a tux...let the lesbians have their night too...who cares?). However, I also know that this an issue that many women deal with and should be discussed, right? Are those crickets I hear? I hope not!!!

Things I Need To Remember As I Temporarily Resume Adulthood

Holy crap...this is my 400th post...wow.

So, anyway, I'm visiting my sister this weekend sans children.

That's right...all by myself.

So, I was thinking what this weekend would be like. How will I be different?

Here's how:

  • I will not repeatedly ask anyone if they have pooped.
  • I will most certainly not sniff anyone's tushie to see if they have pooped.
  • I will not use the word tushie.
  • I will not ask if the restaurant has a children's menu.
  • I will not wipe anyone's nose.
  • I will not use a Wet-One to sanitize our table and chairs when we go out to eat.
  • I will not survey stores prior to entering to see if our double stroller can fit down the aisles.
  • I will not put anyone in the car before I put myself in the car.
  • I will not over-exuberantly point out trucks, motorcycles, birds, or fire engines when I'm in a car or walking down the street.
  • I will not weigh my bag down with diapers, wipes, sippy cups, snacks, cars, books, or an emergency box of yogurt covered raisins.
  • I will play loud music while putting my makeup on.
  • If someone picks up something that remotely resembles a bat or a sword, I will not remind them that it is not a weapon and that they should not hit anyone and that it is not nice.
  • I will not remind anyone that head butting is a no-no.
  • I will not wonder where random stains on my shirt came from.
  • I will wear shoes inside the house.
  • I will not wonder if teething is the reason for anyone being snippy with me.
  • I will not worry about getting peed on.
  • I will not recite our entire day's itinerary to anyone in a very clear and upbeat voice.
  • I will not wonder if I will make it down the stairs in one piece because my arms are laden with very heavy babies.
  • I will not open or climb gates at every turn.
  • I will not leave the bathroom door open when peeing just in case someone "misses me."
  • I will not worry that my necklace will bruise anyone's head from them repeatedly slamming their skull against my chest.
  • I will not wonder if my hands smell like poop.
  • I will not forget every conversation I have this weekend.
Wow...that is a lot that I will not do.

Seriously though, Husband will do great. He's actually planning an outing or two. That's crazy b/c in all of the time that we have had these two little ones with us, I think that Bill has taken both of them out in public...ummm...let me count...once? I think I'm being generous there (he would definitely disagree with me). He'll be fine though...it doesn't help that heavy rain is forecasted for the entire weekend...that makes it 10x tougher!

I wonder if he'll blog for me...that would be awesome, wouldn't it?

I will miss them terribly, but it's good to get away. I really need to hang with my sister and my Mom...and myself!