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Monday, April 12, 2010

No, I Will Not Be Teaching My Kids to Talk

Why would I?

Communication is overrated, isn't it?

Why teach them to talk when I can spend countless hours of my day trying to decode what they want/need/have to have at that very moment?

Why would I deprive myself of that joy?

Plus, those talking kids are so loud (for friends of mine that I have seen in the past month, I'm not talking about your kids...your kids are perfect...these were kids I met a long time ago)!

It's so nice and quiet around my house...until one of the Crazies needs or wants something desperately.

Then we start a rousing round of 20 Questions.

What do you want?
Does something hurt?
Do you want raisins? Cookies? Fruit? Mac and cheese? Yogurt? Cottage cheese? Turkey? Chicken? Yo-raisins?
Does something hurt?
What video do you want to watch?
Abby? Big Bird? Ernie? Elmo? Abby? Cookie? Which one?
What do you want?
Can you show Mommy?
Do you want a drink?
Do you want ice in your water?
Do you need your diaper changed?
Does your tummy hurt?
What is that smell?
Did you poop?
You did that?
What the hell do you want?
Can I help you?
Do you want your legos (please say no, please say no, please say no...omg...I fucking hate legos)?
Do you want to play in the kitchen?
Do you want to sit in your chair?
Do you want to get up on the couch?
Do you want to color?
Are you hurt?
Do you want to play with your baby?
Should I put the baby's blanket on?
Do you really want to eat the baby's face?
Can you put the baby down now?
Do you want me to read a book to you?
Which one? This one? This one? This one?
Are you hurt?
What do you want?
What the hell do you want?
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT??? I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR INCESSANT GRUNTING AND POINTING AND WHINING...I DON'T SPEAK BABY!!!!

Ahhhh...I feel better now.

Yes, I ask those questions (amongst many more) during a normal hour in our day...repeatedly .

I am getting a little nervous that they are not really talking more. Matt is more than Hailey, but she's always done things a few months after him...everything.

They understand everything...everything...we're talking everything. I'm pretty sure they could pay the bills by now.

They follow instructions (for the most part...I didn't birth angels here folks).

They just can't talk and most of the time I earn a great big F for failing to understand what the hell they want (do you know how babies show you that you've failed? They hit you. They cry in your face. They stomp their feet...subtle little creatures, aren't they?).

On the other hand, I can't really sing their accolades for attempting to communicate what they want/need any better...at all...they're hardly trying. Okay, okay, Matt is at least trying to learn his words, but Hailey just seems content to let me try to figure out what she wants...adolescence with this girl is going to be very interesting!!!

Did I mention that she'll his adolescence right about the time that I'll hit menopause? Awesome!

So, what do you think? Should I stop trying to teach them to talk? Enjoy my quiet house? And spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to please them?

Or should I bite the bullet and suck it up and continue to try to teach them communication skills (a.k.a. words)?

If only I had a crystal ball...then I'd know what to do!!!

Disclaimer: I don't really want a crystal ball...those are for freaks. No children were yelled at or cursed at in the making of this blog post (although I'm not saying it didn't cross my mind a time or two). I will teach them how to talk b/c I am so fucking sick of trying to figure out what they want (and failing most of the time)! I'm not good at failing, so I must conquer this too...I must!