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Thursday, April 29, 2010

National Infertility Week...somehow I just knew...

7.3 million Americans...that's the number of people affected by infertility in our country.

Wow...

That is so sad...devastating really...especially if you're one of them.

I was one of them.

I always knew I was one of them...I just knew...

Strangely enough I was perfectly healthy. I took good care of myself. I ate well. I hadn't suffered from any diseases or dysfunctions. I just couldn't get pregnant.

No matter how hard I tried.

I should start saying "we" because I was far from alone in this.

I remember thinking that Husband and I should get divorced so that he can go meet someone else and get pregnant without any hassle. After all, it wasn't him that was the problem.

We tried and tried and tried...and cried and cried and cried. Every single month...when I got my period...we cried.

I felt like such a failure...I felt broken...like less of a woman...

I didn't really show it on the outside, but I was emotionally gutted...

I was also shown a new side of myself. I never even knew I wanted kids this badly. I was already a Mom...it wasn't going to matter how it happened, IUI, IVF, adoption...it would happen for us.

Somehow, I knew that IUI wouldn't work for us, but I dutifully went through each cycle...getting more and more frustrated...just thinking we should move on to IVF...I knew that would work.

Somehow I just knew.

We moved on...after three IUIs (one with injections), we moved on to IVF. Countless appointments, phone calls with the drug companies, meetings with the doctor and his nurse, going to check my ovaries, refilling needles, learning more about making slurry of saline and "baby making juice" than I ever thought possible, boxes and boxes of vials and "sharps," freaking out b/c I wasn't sure that all the medicine got into my belly (or ass...God, the ass shots), and more...all of that...to have a baby.

Or two...who knew?

We were one of the lucky ones...it worked...on the first try. I remember when we took the pregnancy test...December 21, 2007. We weren't scheduled for our blood test until December 26th, but we were traveling and would be with my family and I knew I would want to drink wine. So, why not check? Why not pee on a stick?

So I did.

Then I went to empty the dishwasher while Husband dutifully watched the stick. He came out crying...now he knew...what I knew all along.

We were pregnant.

He couldn't believe it...somehow I just knew.

With the miracle of modern science, we had done it.

When people tell us that we "make beautiful babies," we share a smile and think that it wasn't just us...it was all of the other people that chipped in and were so kind to us during this nearly impossible journey. The doctors, nurses, secretaries at the fertility clinic we used. It was the family and friends that were so unbelievably understanding. It was the co-workers and bosses that were so compassionate at times when they could have been less.

We so appreciate it...all of it.

We love our babies...we were one of the lucky ones...somehow I just knew we would be.



So, even though I tell evil stories about them and tell you all how horrible they can be, they're really good kids who make me laugh every single day...we got lucky.

I hope something works for everyone out there who is still waiting for their moment. It's the hardest thing I have done to date and I'm a stronger woman, wife, and mother for it.

Mama Said There's Be Days Like This...

Yeah...she said it, but she never told me how to get through them. Sorry...that's not true. My Mama tells me how to get through them, but I had to go with the song, right? Remember that song? Who sang that? Mary J? Yeah...we're tight like that...I can leave off the Blige.

OMG...sick kids...seriously...how does anyone survive???

I guess it would be different if they weren't the same age.

Wouldn't it?

I don't know...they both just want me soooo much! For totally different reasons.

So, while Hailey wants me to watch Super.Why on the couch with her, Matt wants me to play outside with his broom.

When I simply go to check on Matt, Hailey breaks down and stumbles after me with her snot and tears and screams...even though I'm 5 feet away looking out the window. D.r.a.m.a.

When Matt finally comes in, Hailey is starving and can't get into her chair fast enough (even though lunch is far from ready). She's bugging me to get in her chair and Matt wants to throw his lego.s (pieces of Hell) all over the living room...so, Mama decides that the Crazies are going in the basement...sounds ominous, right?

Well, it's not. It's yellow and cheery and filled with lovely toys...because that's how we roll.

The kids play happily down there while I get lunch ready...ahhh...solace. Where is Husband? I want to bitch about my day! Voicemail...tell him to ignore the "I'm going to freak out and kill them" voicemail from ten minutes ago.*

Funny thing...I didn't even close the gate to the basement...if they want to climb up to see me, they can...I'm not really worried...maybe I'm out of my mind from the whining...who knows?

Hailey does come up b/c Matt has terrorized her in some way. She has snot all over her face.

Lunch is ready anyway...clean her up.

"Matt, come upstairs please."

Silence.

"Matt! I made hotdogs! Please come upstairs."

Silence.

I got halfway down the stairs and grunted for his attention. He simply shook his head at me and resumed playing with his blocks.

Great...he's already ignoring me for his toys...awesome!

Somehow he realized that going upstairs for a hotdog** and some milk was better than his blocks and ambled his way upstairs...as I was behind him I realized he pooped. Awesome...

The start of WWIII...the Diaper Battle.

Lunch "conversation": eat up, that's a hotdog, that's a bagel, that's ketchup, that's cottage cheese, don't knock that off your plate, well, what do you expect? if you throw your food on the floor, the dog will eat it, don't throw that, drink your milk, that's a hotdog.

Where is Husband? He usually calls during lunch! Voicemail. God, I feel like a stalker...

Want some fruit? Plums? Okay...cut, cut, encourage. Fail...

Lunch ended up with Matt in timeout for throwing food/sippy (shocker) and Hailey happily pushing all of her plum away.

Matt was out of his mind...then I messed up...I did a huge Mommy mess up. I punished him with a punishment that was the same as the crime (ya know...not snatching from the snatcher, not hitting the hitter, setting a good example kind of shit) rather than sticking to our typical timeout routine. I suck. I was mad at myself. I was mad at the colds. I was just mad. I messed up. It happens.

They wouldn't sit still for anything...not to read a book, to play with pieces of Hell (Lego.s), to sing, nothing!!! I was done...naptime.

Thank God...nothing is better than Naptime!

BTW...I wrote this post just to get it all out...blogging is my free therapy. I would never really "kill" my kids...it's just a phrase. I love my kids...sick or not...more when they're not...haha...what a bitch! Shit! I just realized I forgot to eat lunch...WTF?

* Husband was at a lunch that he swears he told me about, but I completely forgot. Must be nice to go out to lunch...must be even nicer to go to lunch and actually recall details from a conversation and not leave totally exhausted from blocking innocent diners from thrown food, trying to keep a toddler in his/her chair, retrieving numerous sippy cups, and dreading putting said toddler(s) in car seats.

** I'm pretty sure that hotdog is not one word, but I don't give a shit...I've had a rough day!

A Little Light Correspondence

Dear Mother Nature,

Could you please make up your damn mind? Either your hormones are out of whack or you're just purposefully fucking with us!!! I need you to decide whether you want it to be Winter, Spring, or Summer because in the past few weeks, you've given us a little taste of everything.

Oh, and thanks for getting my kids sick again. Them being sick on top of Parents' allergies is making for a real snotfest here in our house...thanks, thanks a lot.

Sincerely, Mommy and the Crazies



Dear Matt,

Can you please tell me why it was necessary to wake up 50,000,000 times last night? It got so bad that Daddy actually got up a few times! It got so bad that we ran out of binks by 2:30 and had to use Hailey's! What are you trying to do to us? Nothing is wrong with you...you're just confused and crying...welcome to my 20's (okay, not the entire decade...just the mornings when I woke up on someone's couch with a hangover)! I swear, at the rate we're going, you're never going to get rid of your bink b/c it's the only thing that gets you quiet. Are you getting your sister's cold? If so, just breathe through your mouth...I wish you could understand that concept...when one hole is stopped up, use another. I would have let you cry it out, but it goes against my Mommy-instincts when you're sick. I love you a lot, but you've got to let us get some sleep.

Oh, and please stop kicking Daddy in the nads when he's changing your diaper...he takes it personally and really likes his nads apparently.

Love, Mommy



Dear Hailey,

You've been a champ with your cold. You are very very runny, but you're getting much better at asking for a wipe rather than wiping the entire mess all over your face with your bare hands. That's gross, right? Good thing we got that straight. Now, could you stop using "biting" as your go-to move? It's not nice. I also really appreciate you stopping the snotflow long enough for me to go to spin yesterday...I really needed it and you can through again. You rule!

Love, Mommy



Dear Husband,

When I said that our kids are going to be using their binks until they're 12, I wasn't kidding...you shouldn't have laughed. Oh, and I hate you for going back to sleep this morning and for having short hair that you don't have to blow dry. I love you for a lot of things, but I'm tired and bitter this morning, so none of those will be coming out in this letter. One ray of sunshine...tomorrow is your last day at this job. Good riddance...

Love, Wife