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Thursday, July 1, 2010

First Solo Trip with The Crazies...Part I

So, in this post, I'm pretty sure I made it clear that my number one fear of traveling alone with the Crazies was puke...I was sooooo wrong!

It should have been the outside chance that I would have to pee...outside chance...yeah, right! I have the bladder of a caterpillar (you know how they always pee on you??? Gross, right?)!!!

I only drank one cup of coffee...I swear.

I loaded the car all by myself.

I got the Crazies in the car and we were off by 9:22 AM (my goal was between 9:00 and 9:30).

I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Until we got to the Delaware Memorial Bridge...we still had 1.5 hours left in our trip. The bladder was starting to tickle...oh shit...I'm screwed.

Once I feel it, there's no ignoring it.

I used to think if I ate crackers, the feeling would go away...like they were extra absorbent or something.

They're not, by the way.

Anyway, I had to stop at the first rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike...HAD TO.

I got the Crazies out of the car...strolled by a few gangsters (man, you should have taken the second box...no one would have known...you got jipped when you just took the first box...had no clue what they were talking about, but I'm pretty sure I heard the term "MILF" after I walked by, so I excused them from acting so gangsterish...hey...a compliment is a compliment! I also appreciated them refraining from blowing cigarette smoke at the Crazies).

As I entered the rest stop, people were looking at me like I was nuts...maybe I was. Here I was, bringing two toddlers into a rest stop...alone.

I'm sure they looked terrified, but I was afraid if I looked down, that action alone would have caused me to lose my bladder in the lobby...not a pretty sight.

So, I continued to drag them into the BIG BAD SCARY LOUD ECHO-Y PUBLIC RESTROOM.

They were not happy. I didn't really figure this out until I tried to drag them into the stall.

Matt flat out refused.

Hailey cried like a toddler about to be eaten by an automatic flusher.

I finally got Hailey to come in by saying "don't touch ANYTHING...just stand here" 50 million times.

Matt flat out refused...did I mention that?

He would not budge...would not move his fat little feet from the aisle of restroom hell.

Then he tried to do that "sitting down thing" that toddlers do when they're really about to lose it and all I could think was "DO NOT FUCKING SIT DOWN ON THIS GROSS FLOOR THAT IS COVERED WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S URINE AND FEET SHIT...DO NOT SIT DOWN!!!!"

I rescued his little ass from hitting ill-chosen tile in the nick of time...yes, I'm Mother of the Year...it's official.

Then an angel appeared.

I'd say she was about 80 years old.

She had a light around her head...I don't know if this is really true...I may have been delusional from Full Bladder Syndrome.

Yes, that is a real disease.

She says, "Do you need help, Dear?"

I shortly describe the situation and tell her that I'll give her my car if she doesn't mind just standing with him.

Then I slam the door (scaring Hailey into a trance) and pee my brains out. The entire time, I'm focused like crazy on Matt's little shoes. So help me God...if I see those shoes disappear, I will have no problem standing up, grabbing Hailey, and running out of the restroom still peeing with my pants around my knees...I'd catch the bitch too.

Yes, I get a little gangsta in public restrooms...what can I say? They're gross! Wait...guess I should mention that I'd be gangsta if someone tried to take my kid...that has nothing to do with the setting of a gross public restroom, but I digress...

Anyway, I finished in like 1.5 seconds, yanked my pants up, grabbed Hailey like she was a rag doll (which she just about was as she was scared out of her mind and not moving whatsoever), and handed over the title to my car...seriously...this woman saved my life.

When you have twins, you are constantly relying on the kindness of others...even if it makes other people think you're a bad Mommy...f.u...yes, I left my kid with a stranger for 1.5 seconds while I could still see him...

More to come on our adventure...I'm going in chronological order of events, but let's face facts...the days at the beach were heavenly...the kids were great...I had a better ride home...life is good right now.