Ummm...Please Don't Steal My Craziness...Okay? Thanks!

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Friday, July 9, 2010

Hello, Toddlerhood...you can leave now...

So, the shit has hit the fan...BIG TIME!!!

I'm screwed...apparently the "Terrible Twos" are meant to see who can seriously withstand a nervous breakdown and who is meant to be institutionalized.

My kids are changing...like Gizmo changed into those horrible Gremlins!!! Like that Goldblum dude changed into The Fly (I have the right actor, right?). Cute and Jewish (we're not Jewish, but Goldblum sure leads me to believe that I mentioned the right religion) to scaly and mean...that's what we're dealing with here in the Land of Crazies.

Here are a few examples:

  • They have both tried to push/kick each other down the stairs.
  • Matthew's default word is "no." We were checking books out of the library and Matt was playing with a statue about 20 feet away (daring, ain't I?). I say to him, "Matt, are you being good?" He says, "NO!" and proceeds to chew on the shoe of the statue. Hailey laughed. I'm pretty sure the librarian peed herself a little bit.
  • Hailey literally skipped into time-out the other day after hitting Matt. I'm pretty sure she was thinking "it was totally worth it."
  • Poor Dog...she gets tortured/chased/mounted/squeezed on a daily basis.
  • Matt taught himself how to make fart noises on the side of the tub, the blow up ball from Kindermusik, and his red spatula. He finds this hilarious.
  • I gave Hailey some watermelon to eat yesterday and she found it to be too cold (Diva)...so she started eating the green part. Matt found this hysterically funny, so she continued to gnaw on the green part of the watermelon. This one isn't really bad...just funny!
  • Getting ill-placed markers away from Matthew this morning was like having a WWE match with The Miz. I won. I do not want this to happen to my house!!!!
  • Would I sound too much like a serial rapist if I say that I'd be the happiest person on Earth if I never had to hear the word "NO!" shouted in my face again for my entire life?
So, needless to say, I'm getting a little nervous about our pilgrimage to NY next week...a 5.5 hour trip with my Mom (saint that she is - flying down to turn around and drive right back with us), the Crazies (ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, ma, maaaaa), and Dog (Seriously? Husband won't let her go to the pet hotel for three freaking nights...ridic).

Don't get me wrong...I'm looking forward to seeing friends and family, but the trip is driving me insane. Please...can't I just be beamed there??? PLEASE!!!???!!!

Share your "favorite" toddler moments...please let me know that I'm not alone and that there is an end...PLEASE!!!!