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Monday, July 26, 2010

Human Oven, Long Ass Trips, and Shit Zits

Did that get your attention??? That's right...I'm back and cursing more than ever thanks to my visit to Long Island.

I just learned that people from Long Island curse more than people from other regions...fucking impressive, right?

I'm going to try to keep it rated PG-13 though as some people don't enjoy the cursing as much as I!

I have tons of pictures to post and stories to tell, but I really need to get into today's journey...sometimes I think that my best stories come from the trip to or from...

Here we go, peeps!

  • Hailey started running a serious fever last night and pointing to her stomach...ugh. I slept on the couch with her while she took most of the space up with her 22 pounds of Human Oven...seriously...if she would move and touch a new piece of my skin, I needed aloe. It was unreal...poor thing. I finally put her back in her crib at 2:30 and got a few hours of sleep. I hate fevers though...a lot. I'm not a nervous mother. Fevers make me crazy nervous though.

  • We finally got on the road at 10:30 and were debating the Belt or the BQE. If you've read this post, you know that it took us 4 hours to get from the Verrazano to my childhood home on the trip up. This was a big decision! We started listening to the radio that the guy literally said, "if you're going West, take any road BUT the BQE." Decision made...much easier than last time.

  • We stopped for lunch and didn't really discuss our game plan ahead of time. The kids wanted out of the car...I was unfamiliar with the rest stop. Husband takes off to let Dog out and expects me to get the windows ready so that we could leave Dog in the car while we took the Crazies in to eat. We get up to the rest stop and I realize that there is an outdoor eating area (with a fucking Nathan's hot dog stand...really? No question what we should do, right?). There are also parking spots that we could use so we could leave Dog in the car, open the windows, and eat nearby. Husband gets all annoyed with me (b/c if you don't tell him your plan 10 hours ahead of time, he has a nervous breakdown), grabs Hailey from me, grates his teeth at me (I found this hysterical, but he was dead serious), and stalks off to the car ignoring my plan. I still think we should have done it. I called him from inside the rest stop to find out what I was supposed to be doing. I guess we'll talk about things ahead of time from now on.

  • Getting food took F.O.R.E.V.E.R!!! Ridiculous! Anyway, by the time I get to the table, the kids had already drank a bunch of milk and eaten a cereal bar. Hailey looked dazed b/c her fever is ridiculous, but Matt was on a full tank...he's hit the TTs BTW! Yikes!!! I sit down, divvy out lunch, and start to eat. Husband says he wants to check on Dog...okay. I see that he moves the car closer and I keep eating awaiting his return. Matt's trying to get out of the highchair (because there are bugs that he wants to "clean"), Hailey wants to be held (professing that she's pooped), neither of them are eating, and people are staring...I don't give a shit. I keep saying, "Just wait until Daddy comes back." Then I'd look at the car and swear that Husband's still sitting in the driver's seat. Then I talk myself out of that...why would he sit in the car and leave me by myself with twins? That's ridiculous. Then it's taking waaaaayyyy too long for him. I call him. He says, "What's up?" What's up? I'm losing my fucking mind with the Human Oven and Monkeyboy!!! Please come help me!!! Needless to say, he came straight in...with Valium (I wish)!!!

  • Hailey kept telling me that she pooped, so Husband changed her diaper...no poop. She keeps insisting that she's pooped, so before we leave, I check her diaper one more time. Wooooowwwwwww...I pulled her diaper aside and it was like I popped the World's Biggest Shit Zit...it's amazing that nothing leaked out...seriously. I just didn't like it. I don't like runny shit. I don't like shit that gets on clothes that I paid for. I don't like shit that smells like the armpit of a dock worker. I just don't like shit. Husband had to take Dog out of the trunk area for me to change Hailey b/c there was so much shit. I am not a fan of Shit...take that, Facebook! Oh, and kudos Pam.pers!!! I seriously can't believe that wasn't more of a mess.

  • I drove the entire way. I didn't get a lot of sleep the night before, so I thought that driving would be a good way to stay awake (there's logic for you, huh?). It was! Although that put Husband in the Shotgun position which entails retrieving sippy cups, giving out snacks, getting Elmo and Abby, taking off shoes, checking for temperatures, asking numerous questions about movie selection, and making yourself sick from turning around so much...not to mention the back damage. We were in traffic and I had to switch lanes...well, it just so happened that I changed lanes a little fast...while Husband was turning around to address the Crazies. I'm pretty sure his stomach ended up in his throat and he accused me of doing it on purpose. Yeah...because everyone wants a car sick husband on a Long Ass Trip with 1/2 sick Crazies...it was totally intentional Dude! I did apologize though...and was accused of not meaning it...haha...

  • We didn't stop for the rest of the ride home. The kids were irritable...okay, Hailey was...Matt was fine. I felt bad for her, but she kept confusing tooting/farting for pooping...big difference after what I saw earlier in the day!!!

  • Matt calls me "Honey." It's funny...I love it!
So, we're home now dealing with temperatures of more than 105 degrees...ugh! I have an appointment at the doctor's tomorrow...we'll see. I'm pretty sure that it's a virus which means that Matt will get it right when Husband and I are supposed to have a night away for our 5th anniversary. Awesome! My life is so awesome!!! Haha...I'm bitter after Long Ass Trips!