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Sunday, August 1, 2010

Do You Detox?

So, after a few weeks of traveling, eating out, drinking lots of wine (yes, Ramona, my blood type is Pinot Grigio too), taking care of sick kids, running around like an idiot, not exercising, not doing yoga, and not sleeping well, my body feels a little out of sync!

I've been acting like this since July 15th...I'm done. I'm over it. I need to take care of myself again and really make sure that I'm on a good path.

Kids are healthy.

No major trips planned for August.

I can get back on schedule.

So, should I detox my body?

Who knows? The internet knows...the internet knows all, so I search.

I find this page.

Good...a numbered list. I love numbered lists...they all make sense. I can follow steps...this gives me steps. I just need someone to tell me what to do!

I read Step #1...mental preparation...check (swig of Diet Dr. this shit). I am mentally prepared to detox. God, this shit is easy so far!

Reread Step #1 - it mentions not having things I love. Why would I do that? It mentions sticking to a plan and resisting temptation...not my strong points! Shit! This is why they tell you to mentally prepare. Mentally prepare to tell yourself that you're going to fail and that you suck, right??? WTF?? can do this.

Step #2 - I can totally eliminate or reduce toxins that enter my body. No problem...hmmm...I wonder if there are any chips left. I made dip yesterday...yummy!

Shit! Focus! See? I'm all out of sorts!

Step #2 (continued) - I don't smoke. I do drink (shit). I cannot eliminate caffeine including chocolate (double shit)...what the hell is wrong with the person who wrote this? Have they never lived life???

I'm not even reading the rest of Step #2...fuck it.

Step #3 - no household cleaners? I love the smell of household cleaners...not reading this step either.

Step #4 (a lot of steps, huh? Maybe I should be really invested like I was when I first came up with this freaking brilliant idea!!!) - HOLY SHIT!!! I can totally do Step #4! I'm psyched! I can do this...detox will be a breeze!!!

Step #5 - I can drink a lot of water. I love water. Oh wait...if I drink water, I'll have a pee a lot. If I have a pee a lot, I can't leave the house b/c there is no place that will fit the ginormous stroller and two very curious Crazies. Shit...homebound it is...see? I'm totally committed!

Step #6 - I love this encourages me to take things slow. I guess this means that I can sip my wine while preparing my organic fruits and vegetables...after all, I'll need something to bring me down from the caffeine high that I've gotten since I discovered Diet Dr.! Love that shit! There I got...unfocused again. Seriously....oh good, I can eliminate one or two things at a time.

Shit! What's first? Why isn't the article telling me what to do first? Why the hell are you going to give me a numbered list if you're not going to explicitly tell me what to do??? WTF??? I'm not doing this shit. Screw it! I'm done!

So, how about you? Do you detox???
If so, how do you do it?