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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Dear Knee,

Stop trying to ruin my life.

I can't believe what you did to me today.

You completely dislocated during a yoga pose.

Let's recap...
  • lunge position
  • left leg in front
  • right leg straight back on toes
  • left shoulder underneath left knee
  • hands on either side of left foot
  • crown of head reaching toward the mat
  • instructor tells us to put right foot straight down on the mat at an angle
  • you fucking decide that's a great time to come right out of your socket!!!! WTF!!!???!!!
  • cue hysterical screaming of "put it back in!!!" That's what she said.
Here's the thing, Knee. God made you a certain way b/c that works for us humans.

He said, "look here, this is a little hole that will house your patella. I'll put these ligaments and tendons on the side for a little support, but all in all, this is the perfect knee."

Yes, God said I could speak for him/her/it...whatever.

Here's something else, Knee. I know we've had our history. I know you have popped out of your socket several times in the past 18 years (God, I'm old, huh?), but you've always gone back in. Why couldn't you go back in today? Why????

No, guess you were bitter b/c we haven't been getting enough sleep lately. You had to stay out of your nice safe little space and explore the world, huh? You know what, Knee? You're an asshole!

Okay, sorry for that little outburst.

Knee, I'm sure that you are happy that you got all of this attention. Not only did you stop yoga class, ruining everyone's centering, but you also made them clear the room, call 911, and get a physical therapist in to help me (BTW...he did nothing, but who could blame him...I was a hot sweaty screaming mess...I would have avoided me too). I hope you're happy with yourself, Knee.

Then the managers of the health club came up to meet you. Granted, none of them could actually look you in the eye b/c you were in a freakish position on my body. They tried to look away, but I know some of them were sneaking glances. I actually heard one of them ask me if I wanted anything to drink...when I responded with "vodka," no one took me seriously...WTF???

Then you got to meet the EMTs. I guess you were super impressed with their fancy little uniforms, their calm demeanors, and their shiny stretcher...after all, you were NEVER SUPPOSED TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY!!!

Was that enough to make you crawl back into your home? NO!!!

Even though I was begging...put it back in (That's what she said), put it back in (That's what she said), put it back in (That's what she said)...no one was listening (okay they were, but no one wanted to touch me and my freaky little knee).

Well, no one except that lovely EMT...he listened to me (and saw my devil face) when I told him that he wasn't moving me until he put it back in place. Later on, in the ambulance, he told me that he was afraid that I would rip his face off. Do you see what kind of person you've made me, Knee???? Do I look like the kind of person who would rip someone's face off???

Let's face it...the lovely EMT tried to move me again without putting you in your home...big mistake. Cue more hysterical screaming, sweating, and pathetic looks from staff wondering if I was planning on staying overnight. Screaming stops...there is a calm silence...I look at the lovely EMT right in his beautiful blue eyes (ignoring those little gray dogs he calls eyebrows) and say, "it's back in...it's back in!"

I was psyched.

Knee, you really screwed me over today...people were fucking waving at me as I get wheeled out of the health club on the shiny stretcher you were so excited to see. I wanted to flip them the bird, but I smiled and waved like a fucking prom queen instead. I have a sense of decorum...unlike you, Knee.

Enter the ambulance and get ready for a bumpy ride...we're on our way to the hospital that I've always been curious about, but never really wanted to experience. Thanks a lot, Knee...I'm sure that we'll get a better night's sleep now that I'm in pain and an immobilizer. Nice going. You rule.

Love, Rebecca
(your owner and you'd better not forget it again, Knee)


More tomorrow on the hospital visit and what the hell happened to the Crazies while all of this was going on!

Dear Brain,

Please stop overthinking everything.

You are causing me to lose sleep.

Who cares that you found out something very surprising right before you went to bed?

Let it go...

Who cares that you opened your big mouth (again) and created more stress for yourself (note to self...get new filter...bigger with a better ability to think before releasing information)?

Let it go...

Who cares that you are nervous about how you're going to feel tomorrow after not working out for 3 weeks?

Yes, your muscles will hurt tomorrow...let it go...

Why must you keep me awake in the middle of the night thinking of the most random things that won't get solved right now anyway?

You must shut off when the clock hits 11:00.

It cannot go on like this.

I realize it was a stressful evening...
  • two worlds colliding (random IRL person found my blog and I wasn't ready for that although I really have no problem with it...it just surprised me),
  • can't talk about things like rational adults (typical),
  • must keep mouth shut to make problem go away (classic avoidance, huh?),
  • laundry (can't we pay someone to do this?),
  • tutoring (love cash...missed my students),
  • eating late (yummy eggplant parm), etc.

I get that there were many stressors present that aren't typically there. I get that. Deal with it. You're a brain, right? Function like a brain and work through these things prior to 11:00.

I'm sure it didn't help that Matthew woke up right after you shut off, but you didn't have to wake up full force! You could have stayed in that half asleep mode until I went back to sleep. The fact that you started thinking about everything all over again really ticks me off!!!

So, consider this your notice, Brain. I am not the type of person who loses sleep. I cannot afford to lose sleep. I will not accept this behavior in the future. You are going to find a way to work through all of your issues by 11:00 (EST) and shut off so I can get a good night's sleep.

Thanks, Management