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Thursday, August 5, 2010

I give this hospital 3 out of 5 stars...now give me a damn blanket!

Correction: My EMT was NOT HOT!!! I am just making sound like that b/c I was delirious with pain and he really did save me. He was old and had hair in odd places. I guess I saw him like those people who say that Micr.osoft 7 was their idea!

Upon intake, I realized that this was not the best place for 2 year old twins. I called Husband (who strapped on his Super-Husband/Daddy cape extra tight today) and told him to take them home, give them lunch, and we'd go from there. Thank God because this place was very interesting!

So, because I'm the biggest freak in the world, I decided to take notes about my hospital stay. At first these notes were just for curiosity b/c I was really interested in how long this would take. In the end, it just ended up as a commentary for how ridiculously long I waited for nothing.

These are my actual notes:

August 4 hospital visit

  • Arrived at noon
  • Xray @ 12:20
  • Xray guy tells me about his knee surgery and how easily the knee cap and fall back out and how I shouldn't sit with my legs crossed anymore (pervert), but if I don't, my thighs will look really big...I'm screwed (let's mention that his injury was waaaaayyyyy different from mine)
  • Insurance info was taken at 12:30.
  • Will a knee injury make me fat?
  • It's fucking freezing in here!
  • P.S. D.P. (don't want to use real names) says x-rays look good, will immobilize with splint, give scrip for pain if needed.
  • 2:05 - Got to watch Days of our Lives in it's entirety...no one has even check on me since 1:00! Where the fuck is everyone??
  • I gotta pee.
  • Get me outta here...this nurse if so young Get me the hell outta here...she lies...tells me I'll be done soon...tells me the doctor will help me with the immobilizer...she lies! The doctor already said good by to me! (2:10)
At this point, I stopped taking notes and started concentrating on not peeing my pants. Husband and Crazies were on their way to the hospital and I hadn't seen a nurse in forever. Oh wait...the young one came in to get paper towels for another room...seriously? You ran out of paper towels?

Okay, Husband has got to be here by now...shit, I have to pee!!! Text Husband. What? They won't let him in b/c of the Crazies??? He has my shoes! He has my shoes, I have to pee, and I'm not peeing barefoot.

I wonder if I could score a catheter? I loved that when I had my c-section. Probably not...my nurse (who also starred in High School Musical) would probably miss and stick it in my ass or something.

Not worth it...text Husband, "what should I do? I have to pee!!!"

He tells me to call someone.

There isn't a phone in reach or a call button, but I start calling "excuse me...Nurse? Excuse me?"

How wimpy! I should have been like "get the hell in here or you're going to be cleaning up my mess!"

Not to mention that someone needed to get my immobilizer on before I move an inch b/c this knee is feeling very slippery. Doctor told me Nurse would do it, Nurse told me Doctor would do it...is this their way of playing games with me???

I call out again...like a tard..."EXCUSE ME...NURSE?" She finally comes ambling around the corner like someone who hates their job would. I explain my situation and, like I walked right into Emerald City, the discharge nurse reappears...unluckily she's the same nurse who did my intake...you know...the one with that huge sore on her lips? GREAT!!! Now I have to sign papers, while holding my pee in, while having the young Britney Spears exasperatedly strap this contraption to my leg.

Sheeeeeeeot! I still need someone to get my shoes...young Nurse...do my bidding. Please go get my shoes from Husband...the one with the two cranky babies b/c it's 2:45 and the Crazies have not napped at all. Not only that, but they also haven't visited the pool (as I promised them earlier) and are probably pretty ticked about that.

She comes back and drops my shoes on the floor...you know...because my legs are functioning and I have enough muscle control to do this, right? Who cares? I knocked her over on my way to the restroom.

Ever peed with an immobilizer on? Ridiculously hard...seriously. This is the first time in my life that I used that handicapped bar for function rather than for holding my purse off the floor. It was a necessity.

I finally walk out the ER doors to see Husband and Crazies...hallelujah! Salvation!!!

I cried the entire way home b/c we just don't need this right now. We have no family help close and Husband is still pretty new at his job and I was just freaking out. Plus, no one at the gym will ever speak to me again, let's face it!

Husband got me McDonal.d's though which made the world right again.

Someone give me the damn vodka I've been requesting...I'm not driving the ambulance!

Seriously...someone should have given me the alcohol that I requested. How many times do I get a designated driver appointed by the county?

As they're loading me onto the stretcher, I suddenly remember that I have twins in the day care downstairs. Here are the thoughts that flowed through my head:

Well, what happens now? I can't load the twins into the ambulance, right? Damn...Husband's going to have to come and get them before meeting up with me.

Where the hell are my car keys? Oh, right...in my yoga bag. Damn...need my wallet too. Where the hell is that? Oh, right...it's in a locker downstairs. Shit! I just gave my combination to a virtual stranger.

Oh, who cares anyway? What are they going to steal? Two toddler bathing suits and my last two swim diapers...wait, those are expensive. Holy shit...my knee hurts! Let's get out of here.

What? Husband is calling my cell phone...let me just pick up this call in the midst of being wheeled out of the health club...sure, now I look like a Housewife of NJ, right? On a stretcher, in my workout clothes, yakking on my cell phone...what a loser. Why is he asking me questions? Who cares what hospital? Who cares where my bags will be? Who cares if I'm okay??? I don't know anything right now...in pain...must go to hospital (granted, after the fact, I realized just how relevant these questions were).

Why are people waving to me? Fuckers! Don't wave you skinny running bitch, I'll hex you right off that treadmill...on your cute little chin, you wiseass!!! (apparently, I thought I had special powers after my head spun around from the amount of pain I was in).

Crap...I don't have shoes.

So, at the completion of me writhing around and screaming in pain (click there to see yesterday's post), and taking the phone call from Husband, the EMTs thought it was a good idea to transport me to the hospital. Of course, they don't get the ambulance doors closed when I'm updating my status on FB...what a loser. You're 36, asshat, get off FB!!!

I made a few texts/calls while I was in the ambulance. The whole time, the EMT who saved my knee is holding on to me b/c apparently we took the most windy (that's whine-dy, not the "windy" that means breezy) route to the hospital. He makes a joke that he's not getting fresh with me and I think to myself, "Dude, you just saved my knee and made me look more like a normal person and less like The Exorcist...if you want to cop a feel, this is the time to do it."

Do you ever kind of want to try a restaurant b/c you're intrigued, but you're still not really sure? Then you finally eat there and you're like, "yeah...that won't be happening again...my instincts were right to stay away." Yeah...that's what going to this hospital was like.

We finally get there, the EMT removes his ever so protective hands from me, and they wheel me over this stupid mat with lot of bumps. Kind of like the rumble strips you hit when slowing down for a toll...yeah...but we were going like one mile per hour. It was like a bouncy house. Who puts that kind of rug in an entry for HURT people???

Hello, Intake Nurse! Isn't that a lovely little (by little, I mean enormous) sore you have on your lip...can't stop staring...can't look away...have to look away...the sore is gross. Anyway, I hear her ask the EMT what my pain was when he arrived and he says, "definitely a 20 out of 10...I thought she was going to rip my face off." I must have been pretty bad off.

It's at this point, that I realize that I have a sports bra on with a very thin t-shirt on top of that...and this hospital feels like Antarctica. I'm seriously going to poke someone's eyes out with my nipples. I wonder if my nurse (who is like 12 by the way) can handle that kind of emergency!

Room 32...here I come!

More later...I gotta go cook dinner b/c Husband took the Crazies to the pool. He rocks!