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Monday, August 16, 2010

Captain Pecker, Scaring Other Drivers, and To Leash or Not To Leash

Sorry...I may be a little disjointed today. My subjects are barely related, but I'm going to try.

You may be asking who Captain Pecker is. You may not...doesn't matter. I'll tell you part of the story and you can figure out the rest. Every now and then Husband turns the shower on during baths. Hailey has always loved it, but Matt usually has a panic attack, stops breathing, and looks absolutely petrified at the water falling from the sky (ya know...like rain?) rather than already being in the tub. It seriously freaked him out. Recently, Matt has become a little more open to the idea of the shower...and so we introduce Captain Pecker. That's how I know Matt really likes the shower. Ladies and Gentlemen...this is the reason I could never have a male dog. I can't stop looking at Captain Pecker. I'm not a perv or anything...I'm actually happy that it actually works b/c he's always been so freaked out by us going anywhere near it! So, Captain Pecker is a obviously a sensitive being...who apparently loves showers (and long walks on the beach).

I am starting to really enjoy using the immobilizer in public...not because I get attention, but because it freaks other people out. It's gotta be such a confidence booster to see the lady who just pulled in after you swing her leg outside of her car to put her immobilizer on. Yeah...that's exactly who needs to be on the road...gimpy! I think I'm going to start saying things when I get out of the car like, "Whoa...that was a close one!" or "Whew! Didn't think we were going to make it here in one piece!" I'm kidding...of course. I wouldn't drive the Crazies around if it weren't safe...not very far at least.

So, I decided we would go to the library today...seemed safe enough. I would get some books and possibly some movies (gasp! The horror!!!) to occupy our time while I'm half the mother I used to be. What was I thinking?

  • I stalked people for their parking spaces since parking is limited due to parking lot construction. I hate stalkers, but I had to do it.
  • Hailey is so happy that she finally has someone to walk at her uber-slow pace...yes, it's me.
  • We picked out some books and I decided the kids could play for a little while...let's face it...it's a break for me.
  • This lady pulled a chair up for herself to watch (not participate) her kid play in the Kid's Area. Don't you think she could have at least asked if I wanted one? I'm standing around in a brace with two kids...she could at least ask!
  • I finally find a place to sit down and start screwing around with the puppets...you know...because I'm a fun Mom. I do the voices and everything. All of the sudden, this motherbitch (thank Shell!) walks by with her two non-smiling kids. She was hideously cracking her gum and giving me a dirty look b/c I was making puppet voice. Seriously??? Gimme a break! First, I don't care if you crack your gum, but do it in private...it's rude. Second, you can give me dirty looks when my kids look miserable and yours are happy...just didn't seem to be that way today, huh? Third, be nice to me! I'm injured!!!
  • Shoutout to the clearly adult sized woman sitting in the middle of the Kid's Area. If I tell my daughter to say "excuse me" to you five hundred times, get your ass out of the way. Your kid will be fine!!! Move your ass out of the way so that my daughter can clean up her crap and realize that using her manners will really get her places other than being ignored by YOU!!! Plus, I know you heard me...I just know it.
  • We finally decide to leave. I pick up numerous toys that the Crazies didn't play with (those places drive me nuts as a former teacher b/c no one cleans up after themselves!!! My OCD comes on really strong and I just can't leave it without picking a few things up!). I gather my books. I say "hands" which clearly means "put your hand in mine so I can drag you to the exit." Matthew fucking takes off...running!!! Hailey is continuing at her leisurely pace. I yell (God, I yelled in a library...kill me now...I give dirty looks to those people), "Matthew!" He stops...thank God. As soon as I turn around to tell Hailey to hurry the fuck up, he's gone again. I start hopping...OMG HOPPING HURTS!!! I actually say to a library employee, "I can't do it..." and then she starts running after him. She catches him a few feet from the exit door (in some cases automatic doors really suck). So, that kind of leads me to believe that we should buy some sort of restraining device for our trip to Disney in October. It scared the crap out of me!
We survived though. I'm really hoping that Husband takes the Crazies and Dog for a walk when he gets home b/c I could use a break. Yes, yes, yes...I know that naptime is my break...be nice to me! I'm injured!

Things to ponder:

  • I have no idea how disabled parents do this every single day...it's exhausting and scary!
  • I am going to be much nicer to people who seem to need help. I'm pretty nice to strangers already and I definitely would have offered me a chair, but what is wrong with everyone else? I just don't get it.
  • Maybe I come off as a bitch...I don't know. Who cares? Do the right thing...offer the gimp a chair and if she's a bitch, at least you know you did what was right.