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Saturday, September 18, 2010

Spasms, Guilt, and Old People

Okay, so hopefully that Drama Queen from yesterday gone. I can't stand the sobbing mess I was yesterday. A few things threw me for a loop though.

I was doing my exercises yesterday morning and my knee cap kept feeling like it was slipping out of the socket. Gross, right? Yeah, well it's even worse when you really really thought the surgery would fix things. So, I was crying and upset b/c I didn't think the surgery worked and that I'd have to go through another surgery to "fix" it more and how the fuck was I going to do that?

I feel so weak in the knees (seriously...why is that attached to people in love and shit like that? Feeling "weak in the knees" literally sucks!) that I can't really do anything. It's not like I didn't try though. For some reason, I tried to do EVERYTHING that I normally do on vacation (well, not everything...poor Husband). Guess what? When you try to do everything that you normally do 2 weeks after knee surgery, it doesn't work out so well!!! Especially when you're an overachieving mother of twins...yeah, not so great!

So, on top of falling apart because of my knee, I get word that one of my favorite aunts is dying. She's been an alcoholic forever and has really failed this year. She's in a Hospice facility and it sounds like it's really close to the end.

Cue more guilt and more crying.

I want to be there for my Mom. I don't want her to have to go through this by herself and I can't get there. I can't even get close to going there because I can't fucking walk. I can't do anything. I am really beating myself up here, huh?

I did make it to the beach (only stopped once to cry on the way there b/c some old dude speed walked past me and made some joke that I'm sure he thought would cheer me only made me cry. Thanks, dude!). I was not going to forgo the only place on Earth that truly centers and calms me. Then someone asked me some question and I started crying again. Then I freaked out on the kids b/c they were being annoying (probably not on a normal day, but my fuse was short) and I felt guilty about that.

Oh, and I wanted to kick every single person I saw that seemed to be taking walking for granted. I wanted to accost every old person with one of those electronic rider things and just jump on myself. I made friends with lots of old dudes who loved to start conversations with me (Big Black is a really conversation starter with old dudes). I limped around the Boardwalk last night just so the Crazies could go on rides, but I could hardly watch them b/c I had to sit an invalid!

All in all, today is a better day. I'm having less spasms and we're home. Nothing makes you appreciate home like a vacation. I haven't heard from my Mom today though...which makes me wonder about my aunt. It's so hard to be there when someone passes, but it's also one of the highest privileges you can have in my opinion. I know that sounds weird, but I was there when my step-mother passed and I feel lucky to have experienced that with her. God, is that morbid or what? I miss her too...a lot. I think about her all the time.

Great...emotional again. That means enough writing and time to get back to my HGTV coma. Thanks for all of your nice comments...sorry to be such a downer. I swear that I'll be back soon with something uplifting like our family picture from the beach (yeah, we only got one), Daddy pics with the Crazies (he was a trooper for serious), or just fun things in general. Being on vacation gave me a lot to think about in terms of blog when the mind opens up enough for new ideas...hate when it's at 3:30 AM!!!