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Thursday, October 14, 2010

You've Heard of Dr. Feelgood, Right?

Well, meet Dr. I-Don't-Feel-Good...he resides at our house.

What?  You've never seen Monkey Scrubs???

For the sake of my fingers, I will call him Dr. IDFG for the remainder of this post b/c if I have to type all of those letters, I'll be completely exhausted (and I wonder where Matt/Dr. IDFG gets his dramatic flair).  Thanks for your understanding.

Dr. IDFG wakes up early in the morning and he doesn't feel good (but if you give him the ladybug...not the turtle...and a few books, he's fine for another 30 minutes).

Dr. IDFG finishes eating in 2.4 seconds and he doesn't feel good.  He asks to go lie down on the couch and rub his tummy.  If he is allowed to get down, you will not find him on the couch rubbing his tummy.  You will find him chasing Dog around the living room very quietly.

Dr. IDFG has been asked numerous times what is wrong with him...the answer is always the same.  It is a very pathetic sad "my tummy."

Dr. IDFG claims a horrific tummy-ache until a cookie is offered.  Then he's magically cured.

Dr. IDFG doesn't feel good the minute he awakens from his nap, but once he is taken downstairs and given a snack (and maybe a little Thomas), he's fine.

Dr. IDFG doesn't feel good when he's called to the lunch table, but then eats his entire lunch in 3.5 seconds.  

Dr. IDFG claims sickness when it's time for his shower, but he's magically cured when Hailey is offered the first shower much so that he tries to push her down the stairs!

Dr. IDFG has made his mother question herself repeatedly about whether or not she should take his claims more seriously.  Is his mother heartless b/c she "ignores" his claims?  Is she taking it too lightly b/c she thinks he's trying to manipulate?  Is she "mean" b/c she actually makes him lay on the couch and rub his belly rather than playing with Dog and his cars?

Have any of you met Dr. I-Don't-Feel Good?  Am I underestimating what he's trying to tell me here?  I'm so confused!!!  What if he's really sick and he's like one of those freak cases on Grey's or House?  Then I'm the neglectful mother who didn't listen to my kid...WTF???

So, The Crazies are Taking Their First Plane Ride on Saturday

And I'm kind of a nervous wreck.

What's wrong with me?

Why am I freaking out?

I think I've thought of all the basics:
  • Transportation - we bought new single baby strollers so that I could take one and G.G. could take one.  We just figured it would be easier.
  • Activities - in addition to the requisite papers/crayons, I purchased those Doodle things and some Thomas the Trains (kill me now, but Matthew is seriously obsessed and he's quiet while he plays with them, so I'm selling my soul to the Devil Train).  G.G. purchased a bunch of stuff at Mich.ael's that they'll be able to play with.  I also think I'm bringing my laptop with some DVDs in case we get desperate.
  • Diapers - I'm going to get a small package of overnight diapers.
  • Drinks - Yes please!!!!
  • Food - I'm going to purchase lollipops (which they've never had ever in their lives) for the ascent and descent.  We'll see how that goes.  I'm going to be perched like a vulture with a Wet One so that stickiness does not reign supreme on the disgustingly dirty airplane.
Then I read this article which basically just tells me how screwed I am...for real!!!

So, once again, I'm going to put my own spin on this article.  Let's see how this goes!

  1. You may find small inconsistencies here and there, but security regulations are pretty much standard across the board.  I always forget shit when it comes to security.  No, I don't forget that I can't bring water, but I forget the electronics and jewelry and shit like that.  On top of this, I'll have the Crazies (who I don't know how to get through they walk?  Do I keep them in their strollers?  See?  Security-tard) and a laptop...I have no idea what to do with the laptop!
  2. Standing still on the people mover.  I would never do this in a million years.  I'd rather kick the people in front of me than stand still...even with a bum knee and the Crazies.
  3. Carry-ons and overheads  Ugh...I'm considering sitting in a regular seat just to have use of the space below the seat in front of me.  I hate standing up and pulling shit out of the overhead bins.  I am always that girl who drops something on some unsuspecting person's head.  People are going to hate me enough b/c I have two young kids without then physically assaulting them trying to get freaking crayons out of my bag.
  4. Be accommodating to your seatmates and fellow passengers, without being creepy.  No worries...I won't even think about talking to anyone.  I'll be too busy, but there will inevitably be people that want to talk to me (ooooh...are they twins?  Wow!  He's a lot bigger!  You really have your hands full.  Are they going to cry?  Is this their first flight?) and I will do my best to be "fake nice."
  5. Whoa there, Burger King, go easy on the smells.  Let's face it...I may have no control over what smells we give off, so I'm leaving this one alone and praying that no one poops on this flight.
  6. Surely, you've heard? All portable electronics, mobile phones, laptops, etc. must be switched off during take-off and landing. Think this rule is just a bunch of hooey?  But what if the videos on your phone are the ONLY thing that is preventing your kid from having a complete panic attack b/c the plane is "too loud?"  Nah...just kidding.  I hate the people who wait until the attendant asks them...just plain rude and you're wasting everyone's time.  Let's just get this bird off the ground!!!
  7. Kicking and screaming.  Excuse me...I just threw up a little in my mouth.  This is a complete possibility.  I'm hoping they'll be in such awe that they'll just be silent.
  8. Clapping upon landing? Really?  Seriously...dorks do this.  You can clap for Captain Sully if you're floating down the Hudson, but that's about it!
  9. Stay seated until the aircraft has reached the gate.  Can I get a special memo about this for the Crazies???  Something tells me they're going to be chomping at the bit!
  10. Once at baggage claim, all sense of personal space seems to go out the window.  I have a lot of fear about baggage claim...mostly due to my inability to move quickly, lift heavy objects, and maintain control of my children.  We'll see how this goes.
So, while I appreciate Yahoo for publishing this article b/c it did remind me of some very important things, it has also thrown me into a panic!!!!!  That and installing the car seats at the Hertz place...I have never installed car seats, so I should probably get a tutorial from Husband before I leave, right?