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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Ten Things You Need To Know About My Vacation

I title this post as if you care...like you really NEED to know.

You do, right?

Okay, here goes:

  1. People are very weird.  Most of them are either way too tan (seriously...do you just constantly go on vacation and lay out???), too round, or wear completely inappropriate swimwear (holla to 52 year old in gold lame bikini...I hope you and your muscular self enjoy your shout out!!!  It just means I'm kind of jealous!!!).
  2. Going on vacation with kids is like not going on vacation at all.  It's almost more difficult than staying home.  Why do people subject themselves to this torture?
  3. I'm a big fan of the Grand Marquis...this was what we won in the Rental Lottery...a gigantic sparkling white Grand Marquis.  As I drove to my friend's house yesterday, I'm wondering why no one was passing me and then I realized...they think I'm a cop.  They were probably so pissed to see a tiny little blond person with two other little blond people in the back seat...haha, suckas!!!
  4. Today we met Devin.  She was cute and loved the water.  She made that very clear.  Devin thought it was appropriate to take my two year old little daughter and try to teach her how to swim.  Well, guess what, Devin?  It's not okay.  Don't touch my kids again.  
  5. Today we did not meet Devin's mother.  Devin's mother had her back turned on her kids and was busying herself making sure her tiny little hot pink bikini stayed straight...a serious job to have as one false step would have made her a sex offender.  Seriously...her bikini bottom has ruching up the ass-crack...grossness...
  6. I still do not understand how one co-sleeps and actually enjoys their life!!!  I am staying in the same room with the Crazies and I hear every fucking noise possible.  Sniffles, farts, cries, scratching, farts, whimpers, movement, whispers, sucking on binks, horrific screaming nightmares, and lastly, "Mommy...I'm awake.  I'm done.  Mommy...wake up!  Hailey...hi Hailey...wake up!"  Seriously???  How does a co-sleeping parent get any sleep at all???  Thank God Husband didn't come...he'd be going nuts!!!  (I do miss him though...if he were here, I could tell him all this crap and you guys would be off the hook, but here you are...reading my crap...I appreciate it)!
  7. The Crazies are getting more and more comfortable in the water.  I don't care if the pool's age for swim lessons is 3 and my kids won't be 3 until August...they're getting swim lessons this summer.  They love it.  Oh God, I'm going to be THAT mother...please just let my kids take lessons...they're almost three...they act like they're three...they act like they're older than three...just let them take lessons.
  8. I made the right decision about not going to the parks with two toddlers and a bum knee.  I'm sure my family thought I was overreacting and I kind of did too, but in the end, they all agree that I made the right decision.  The Crazies would have been nightmares and it just wasn't the right time in their lives. 
  9. My legs never get tan...never ever even if I tried my hardest...they never get tan.  I'm like an inside out Oreo.
  10. One should always bring more than one pair of shorts to Florida.  WTF?  Did I think it was going to be cold?  Did I think that capris made more sense?  What was I thinking???  I guess that's what I get for packing the day we leave.  Oh well...at least I got one, right?