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Monday, November 1, 2010

I Vant To Drink Your Blood

Yes, I taught the Crazies how to say this.  Yes, they laughed their little tushies off in BJ's when I kept saying it.  Yes, we practiced how to say "trick or treat."  No, they didn't say it once all night.  What a fun weekend's a little sampling of our Halloween fun (I swear, I never thought those two words were meant to be in the same sentence).

The neighborhood parade...the Crazies had to run at times to keep up, but they did it!

There was a celebration after the parade...clearly the vampire cried when the witch wouldn't give up her swing, but other than that, fun was had by all!

  I even gave them my email so I can help in future

Daddy carved a spooky jack-o-lantern while Mommy tried to keep the Crazies from falling off the chairs, Hailey separated the pumpkin seeds, and Matt created chaos from whatever came near him.

 Our first time was awesome! of the many reasons I'd like a be a man...

I went shopping yesterday.  I haven't been in quite some time and I really needed a few things.  

One of my main purchases was to be jeans.  I haven't bought a good pair of jeans in about 4 years and I'm really in need.

I went into a store recommended by a very good friend.  She got a cute pair of jeans from this store in the Spring and insisted that I give it a shot.  You get very personalized service and they will perform alterations in house while you're shopping.  That really works out for a girl that is relegated to flats for the next 9 months and has no time to visit a tailor.

We walk in and I'm completely overwhelmed.  I totally forgot what size I am (causing me to lift up my shirt and turn the front of my jeans inside out to check the hotness).  I don't know what was I like.  God, I didn't diet for an experience like this.  Am I going to muffin out of these jeans?  This sales guy is nuts, but in a good way.  There are too many pair of jeans in here.  Oh great...a former student works here.

The Dude (apparently the manager and jean expert) started throwing pairs of jeans at me like it was a freaking game of dodgeball.  I step into the dressing room and take off my nice comfy Joe's and proceed to squeeze every oxygen loving inch of myself into the first pair of jeans.  I wrestle them to an acceptable position on my waist and use all of my remaining strength to get them buttoned.  Holy shit...I can't fucking breathe, but they do look good...let's see what everyone else thinks.  The Dude is in love with them, the new salesgirls are all standing around admiringly (as they need to learn as much about jeans as The Dude), and my friend (the only one I can really count on to be honest b/c she stands to make no money from this transaction) loves them too.  SOLD!  

But wait...I can't breathe in them.  The Dude gives me the following list of advice:
  • Give them three hours...they'll fit well in three hours.  If we go any bigger, they'll stretch out and won't fit correctly anymore (that happens to be one of my issues...if my jeans are comfortable when I first put them on, they're falling off my ass in 3 hours, so I'll give it to The Dude...he may have a point here).
  • Wash them inside out.
  • Never ever ever put them in the dryer...always line dry or the jeans will spontaneously combust.
So, I tried on about 14 more pairs of jeans...not an easy feat when you have a bum knee and are seriously pushing the limits of your bladder from the extra cup of coffee you had this morning.

Finally, I said, ENOUGH!  I have to go to Apple to get them to look at my computer.  Priorities, people!!!  Let's get these suckers altered and get on the road.
The Dude altered them, I picked them up an hour later, and was happy with my purchase...until I tried to schedule in 3 hours to get my jeans to fit normally.  It was only on the way home that my very good friend mentioned that she calls her jeans "stand only jeans" which means that after 3 hours, she still can't sit down without discomfort...I'm screwed.

So, as I was folding laundry last night (after many Halloween activities this weekend...don't worry...the kids had fun this weekend's not all about me), I was looking at Husband's clothes.  His shirts are all nice and stretchy...not too form fitting, but not too loose.  His jeans are wide enough in the legs for him to actually sit down and there's not a stitch of spandex anywhere.  His underwear actually provide coverage and a little support.  His t-shirts are a lovely cotton that falls perfectly upon his skin devoid of embellishments.  His shoes are already broken in when he puts them on his feet!!!


Here's what he's missed out on:

  • Jeans that need 3 hours to get to the point where they actually fit you.
  • Shoes that need to be worn at least 12 times to be broken in (while you tediously suffer through blisters, pain, scrapes, and cramps).
  • Bras that need to be surgically removed from your skin at the end of a day (especially if you've had too much sodium...we women tend to swell, you know?).
  • Tiny shreds of material that we call "panties"  (God, I hate that word).  I happen to be a thong easy feat!
  • Shirts that are too tight on the arms, but too loose everywhere else.
  • Pants that have impossibly small pieces of material in the thigh area ( these people think women never sit?).
  • Itchy or scratchy weaves in sweaters that appear beautiful, but are actually torture devices (BTW, I don't buy these anymore...learned my lesson).
  • Shapewear (I'm not quite here yet, but I'm considering it...who wouldn't?).
  • T-shirts decorated with stitching, sequins, glitter, mirrors, rhinestones, etc. that if touched the wrong way, would lose an embellishment, therefore ruining the entire look of the shirt.
  • Button-down shirts that gape right where you don't need them to.
  • Jeans that stretch to the point of falling off after 3 hours of wearing them...all due to the inescapable truth that they were "comfortable" in the dressing room.
  • Boots...don't even get me started on boots...I love to hate them (me and my clearly oversized calves).
That's all I can recall right now, but I'm sure there are more.  What are some of the fashion experiences you'd like to swap with a male right about now?