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Monday, November 8, 2010

Suddenly Fertile...

For years I thought I was "fertile."

Then, at the age of 32, I was told otherwise...and my heart broke.

My heart broke for children I never even knew I wanted.  My heart broke for the woman who thought she could do anything.  My heart broke for the husband that didn't sign up for this.  My heart broke for the grandparents who seemed to understand, but probably didn't really get it.  My heart broke for all of us. 

When I was finally deemed "infertile," we had to deal with it.  Deal with it, we did...many months of trying on our own...two operations...one mock IUI...three failed IUIs...one IVF.

Thank God for that one fated IVF.

All of the sudden, we were "fertile."  I mean, seriously...you must be fertile if you're pregnant with twins, right?

However, I still felt infertile...to my soul. 

After all, if I couldn't do it on my own, I didn't actually earn the title of "fertile," right?  So, I have no right to complain about my sudden fertility.  Who did I think I was?  It all felt like a sham.

I swore that I'd never say or do things that "normal" mothers did.  There were so many things...it seems laughable now.

I swore I'd never complain...just let me get pregnant and I'll cherish every minute.  I'll love every single moment of being a mother...even if it's hard...even if it hurts...even if it makes me ache for the days before motherhood...I won't complain.

But I did complain...and still do.  Does that make me callous?  Unfeeling?  Insensitive?  Does it make me forget the infertile land that I came from?

Nope.  I know where I came from.  I know what I am.  Moreover, I know who I am.

I am a woman who was diagnosed as infertile.  I am a woman who didn't even know how badly she wanted kids until she was told she couldn't have them.  I am a woman who is real and is going to be real in her descriptions of her life...including pregnancy, childbirth, and the difficulties of being a mother.  Just because I complain about it, make jokes about it, make light of certain situations, does not mean that I am any more "fertile" than I was.  I'm not...I just have to be real...fertile or infertile.