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Monday, November 15, 2010

Daily Moments that Make Me Sweat Like...well, like someone who sweats a lot (updated with #4)

Sweet title, right? creative juices are flowing!

I suck.

Anyway, as I traverse my days, I realize that there are several moments that occur throughout our boring little life that cause me to sweat like I'm sitting in Donald Trump's board room (does anyone even watch that show anymore?).

I decided to list them now because eventually these little moments will fade into nothingness and I will be left high and dry...well, mostly dry if you really think about it.

So, here you have it...little moments that make me sweat on a daily basis:

  1. Every single time the Crazies come down the stairs.  Yes, I get a little nervous when they're going up, but they're really good at that.  When they're coming down, after dodging my grasping hands, and saying "I do it" five hundred times, that's when I start to sweat.  As Matt's fat little foot barely lands on the first step.  As Hailey comes down a tad too quickly and almost kicks Matt down the stairs.  As Matt decides that he doesn't need to hold on anymore.  As Hailey loses her grip on the railing because she's too short.  As Matt takes that fateful jump off the bottom step and turns around to push Hailey (NO MESSING AROUND ON THE STAIRS!!!  IT'S DANGEROUS!!!  YOU'LL KILL YOURSELVES!!!).  As Hailey finally sets her little delicate feet on the floor, I can stop sweating.  The entire time they're on the stairs, I'm sweating, swearing, sighing, taking deep breaths, trying to put myself in a position to catch not one, but two falling children, encouraging (because what is a toddler's life without encouragement), trying to keep my hair from frizzing, and looking cool as a cucumber (because they always check you out to see how your reacting and then choose their reactions accordingly).  It's ridiculous.
  2. Getting in and out of the car in a parking lot.  Yes, we go out every day...for the most part.  We skip our outings if we're sick or if there is a blizzard.  Otherwise, we're out every single day.  When I'm taking the Crazies out of the car, there is a constant fear of them dashing into traffic, getting run over, someone taking one of them (yes, this one is an irrational fear based on all the Lifetime TV I watched in high school), them jumping the curb, going through the mass of trees in front of my car, and ending up on the very busy road (WTF?).  I hold their hands tight enough to cut off circulation, use my I'm-going-to-piss-myself-if-you-don't-listen stern voice, corral them close enough to the car to make them lick the finish (yes, I use one of my legs to do this.  Yes, I have a knee injury...I'm desperate), use the "touch a tire" rule, put my bags on the ground at the back of my car so that the first child released from the car will hopefully find something fun in there rather than running into the street, unbuckle the second child without even looking (that is a skill that all twin mothers should master before their kids start walking), and constantly scan for strangers that would want to take my babies.
  3. Whenever I look in the backyard and see nothingOccasionally I will go inside when the Crazies are playing in the backyard.  After all, someone has to make lunch and it is fenced in.  Seems pretty safe, right?  Nothing to worry about, right?  WRONG!!!  I'll put water on to boil, take a peek outside and see NOTHING!  No Crazies!  No Dog!  Where is everyone???  Then I'll casually stick my head out of the door and say, "Hello!  Where is everyone?" and all three will sheepishly emerge from behind the shed.  Thanks for the heart attack you guys...I just lost 3 years off my life!
Only three?  God, I totally thought there were more.  
What makes you sweat? 

Update:  4.  When the UPS or Fedex truck pulls up in front of my house during naptime.  They always come during naptime and I never feel like I'm prepared.  Generally, I can hear them pull up, but then I have to get some sort of footwear on, slink out the door (while keeping Dog quiet), quickly convince the delivery guy not to speak out loud b/c the Crazies' bedroom is right at the top of the stairs, grab my package (haha...not the delivery guy's), slink back inside, and close the big door before the truck starts up its massive engine again.  I really try to do all of that without dropping my packages, but it rarely happens.  Now that the holiday season is upon us again, I'm sure I'll be sweating this out even more!  Those delivery guys probably think I'm NUTS!!!