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Thursday, December 2, 2010

I Don't Want You To Actually SEE Me!

I used to have such a cute body...no really, I did.

Strong stomach, decent legs (although I've always hated my knees), muscular arms, and a little ba-donk-a-donk going on.

Then I got old.

In the past 3 years, I have been gigantically pregnant with twins (6 pounds 7 ounces and 7 pounds 2 ounces...YIKES!!!), had a c-section, gotten an IUD (yay, no more periods), had 7 minor dermatological operations, and one knee operation.  Oh, and let's not forget countless nights of interrupted sleep.

Good-bye cute body!

Yeah, yeah...if you see me in clothes, I'm still pretty cute (but I'd seriously like my bras and my heels back please!!), but what if I take my clothes off?

Nah...not gonna happen.  Not unless you're my husband.

Speaking of Husband, he has an appointment at the eye doctor on Tuesday.  This appointment scares me to death.  

No, not because that spot that he's obsessed with in his eye may make him go blind.  No, not because he may need an operation.  None of that is true...that we know of.

It's because he might actually have something wrong with his eye that has caused him to believe the lies he's been feeding me for all these years.  "No, you don't have cellulite."  "No, your ass isn't huge."  "No, it doesn't mean you're fat if your thighs touch."  (okay, the last one is interpretation, but it's still nice to hear.)

IF (that's a big "if" because I don't actually think it's anything...it's probably just Husband's method for growing old.  The things that don't matter will get old and his body and face will stay perfect as usual)* there is anything wrong with him, I'll feel horrible.  I will worry and nurse him back to health.  Then a thought occurs to me..."what if they fix him and he can see EVERYTHING???"

What if he can see the lumps, bumps, flaps, jiggles, flubbers, shakes, flutters, scars, mountains, valleys, rivers, and oceans that make me woman?  Hear me roar?  NO FUCKING WAY!!!  Watch me hide!

I don't want to be one of these women that hides from her husband, but seriously...knee surgery kind of puts cardiovascular exercise on the back burner.**  And the only thing that can rebound a woman after having children is cardiovascular exercise...it's true.  It sucks and it's true! 

So, let's collectively pray that they find nothing wrong with his eyes and that we can all continue living in LaLa Land.  It's so nice and dreamy here.

Did I just say that sight didn't matter?  What is wrong with me???
**  Although I do plan to start spinning again next week.