Yes, that's right...I'm an expert. Don't be jealous.
I wrap better than Eminem...haha...horrible joke, don't click away...I'm just getting started.
So, I'm sure you're all thinking, "how does she do it? How does she raise twins and wrap the perfect present all at the same time? Amazing!"
Well, I'm about to let you in on my trade secrets...that's right...for free (you may receive a bill at a later date, but it's at my discretion...no bill if you comment and really really love me).
Here are my patented wrapping tips:
- Use nothing but the best paper. Don't get that shit that even snags on your sharpest scissors. Don't get that shit that you can see through (that's what she said). Don't get that shit where the ink comes off if two packages rub against each other (that's what she said). Get good paper...you'll thank yourself in the long run.
- Live on the edge when you measure how much paper you'll need. I wrapped a few packages in front of G.G. the other day and I think she was about to throw herself off a cliff with how close I was in my measurement. By doing crazy things like that, you will feel victory deep down in your soul. Happiness like that just can't be described...you'll just have to try it for yourself. Don't pee yourselves.
- Try to use different paper for different kids...just try it...guaranteed you'll be on anti-anxiety meds by January.
- Get the Gift Wrap tape...it's so much prettier than that shit you can see.
- Include dog hair in your package...the recipient is sure to appreciate it...especially if he/she is allergic (note to self: put Dog up for adoption).
- Use lots of Scotch tape...don't settle for anything less than Scotch. If it weren't really really good, we wouldn't have named a pine tree, a language (oh wait...that's Scottish...whatever...I love wine), and an entire section in the liquor store after it. You know you're good when you get an entire section in the liquor store. Scotch rules...after all, you wouldn't use tape that was called "Douglas Fir Tape," right? Ridiculous.
- Oddly shaped packages...always a conundrum, right? What's the answer to those little things that you really just want to throw against the wall? I have an answer. You may think "oh, gift bags...problem solved," but then you'd look like a novice. Ah...the ignorance of the beginner wrapper (you remind me of Vanilla Ice when you think of things like "gift bags"). No, the surefire way to avoid the conundrum of oddly shaped packages is: DON'T FUCKING BUY THEM!!! That should always be in the back of your mind..."how will I wrap this?" If it's not, I have no advice for you...you've broken the cardinal rule...sucka!
- Gift bags...love them? Hate them? Doesn't matter...keep a few around just in case you need to throw a gift (or a regift) in a bag for one of those gifts that comes from an unexpected source. You know...the person at work that you never thought would get you anything, so you didn't even give a second thought to a gift for them. All of the sudden, they pop in your office/classroom/cubicle with a bag full of delicious chocolates...that's right...you know the feeling. The panic of having to say "thanks...I'm bringing my gifts in tomorrow." We've all been there...throw some shit in a gift bag, write a nice note, and pour yourself a satisfying glass of egg nog. You've dodged another bullet in this Holiday Season.