You know that awesome song? The one about the 12 Pains of Christmas? Yeah, well, I kind of love that song...especially the guy that sounds like Archie Bunker. He's my favorite.
Anyway, why didn't those people choose Christmas cookies as a pain too? They totally are, ya know! You have no idea!
I've only made two different kinds this year b/c that's a step up from last year...where I made NONE!
Here are my biggest pet peeves...softening butter is difficult to remember and boring to watch. If you always need a 1/2 cup of packed light brown sugar no, not rock hard light brown sugar, idiot, wouldn't it be so much easier if Domino's packaged them pre-measured? I know...a money maker, right? I would totally buy that. Just give me little blocks of soft light brown sugar...PLEASE!!!!
Anyway, I made chocolate chip and spritz cookies this year.
Let's start with the chocolate chip. First, they're totally awesome b/c I make them with Ghirardelli chocolate chips. If you make anything with chocolate this season, please use the good chocolate. You'll be happy. I have used whole wheat flour in the past, but I think I'm going to discontinue this practice as I taste the whole wheat pieces when I eat it raw...who doesn't eat it raw? I don't need to be reminded by tiny little piece of wheat that I could actually be eating something healthier. Eff you, tiny piece of wheat! I'd rather stick with my sugar, butter, and raw egg...haha...
Anyway, here's my vice about the chocolate chip cookies...why are they hard as rocks after a couple of days??? WTF??? You were all gooey and lovely when you first came out of the oven. I put you in a fancy plastic container with Christmas decorations. What gives? I can't eat you all at once (even though I really want to)!!!
Onto the spritz cookies. First, who in the world gave you that name? It's horrible! You're going to get beat up! Second, why thought it would be a great idea to push you through a tiny little tube, through even smaller holes, and make you pretty with sparkly sprinkles? You poor cookies. It's like you're the infant being pushed through the birth canal, right (you'll totally think of that next time you use your cookie press...haha)? I feel so bad for you!
That's why I squeezed the shit out of you fifty million times in a row cursing you every time you didn't come out perfectly. After all, we tried two different cookie presses that didn't work and then went out and bought a brand new one. I also bought new cookie sheets (in case those were the issue...they weren't) and a fucking rolling pin. All I wanted to do in the store was beat people over the head with the rolling pin...what is wrong with me? I actually carried it over my shoulder and shouted at people when they stepped in front of me.
Get home, squeeze ridiculously small amount of cookie dough through cookie press, bake. Roll out the rest of the dough and use HUGE cookie cutters instead. Notice that cookies taste oddly like shortbread and wonder why while chomping on tiny cookie after tiny cookie. It was just so much work for a tiny little cookie.
Anyway, now I'm thinking of trying something that involves shoving a Hershe.y's Kiss on top of a cookie...sounds like Heaven, right? Either that or I'm a glutton for punishment.
