I notice you haven't been here for about 3 years.
That's right...I have twin toddlers, so they've taken over my life and my brain.
Oh...I get it. Is there anything you'd like to focus on with today's massage?
Yes, my shoulders are killing me. I hurt one last week while I was sleeping (WTF?) and my daughter, all 25 pounds of her, knocked one out of joint last night.
Okay. We can definitely do that. Are you interested in some gluteal massage?
Shit yeah! Will it make me horny?
Ummm...can you tell me a little more about it?
Yes, we primarily use it to deal with lower back pain and sciatic nerve issues. I can work over the cover using compression rather than right on your skin if you're prefer that...or we can skip it.
Nah...let's do it.
God, did that sound like I was hitting on her? WTF??
Okay, I'll let you get undressed and under the covers, face up, and we'll get started.
Thanks.
Knock, knock...
I'm ready...
Great...just relax and enjoy your massage.
Holy crap...a heated table is definitely something I should have in my next house.
Good, she's starting with my shoulders...oh, and chest...didn't see that coming.
I hope my boob doesn't pop out from under the covers.
Nah...that won't happen. They don't exactly "pop" anywhere, if you haven't noticed.
Wow...this is exactly what I needed. This feels great.
Did I just fall asleep? I hope not...I don't want to miss a minute.
Wow...this feels great. Her hands are HOT! That's awesome.
How does one get their hands so HOT?
I don't care...it's awesome.
Ooooh...a face massage...yes please!
This is great...who knew I had so much stress in my face.
Relax your face.
Relax your face.
How the hell does one relax their face?
Scalp...yes please.
YES...everyone should have a taste of a scalp massage.
For serious.
Oh...she moving onto the legs.
Why is my stomach making noises? I'm not hungry.
Maybe it's just relaxing.
God, I hope it doesn't relax too much!
Wow...this leg shit feels great.
How many sets of hands does this woman have anyway???
NO WAY!!! She's massaging my feet? This is incredible.
It kind of tickles a little bit though.
Husband and I don't touch enough.
Not sex touch...just regular touch.
We used to...wonder what happened.
Damn kids.
Nice...next leg, please!
Alright...she's doing the arms.
I wonder if she thinks I have big muscles.
I wonder if she thinks I'm gross b/c I didn't shave my pits today!
God, when WAS the last time I did that?
I'm gross...Winter does this to me...Winter makes me gross.
Ooooh...she's stretching the arms. I wonder what the "pop" was!
Okay, you can roll over onto your front now.
I have a few essential oils out for your head rest...tea tree, eucalyptus, and lavender. Do you have a preference?
Is there cannibus?
I'll take Tea Tree (just b/c I have no idea what that is).
Great...
Ah, yes, the hot rocks...holy shit! That one is really hot!!! Motherfucker! Get it off me!!!
Ummm...that one at the bottom is REALLY hot.
Oh, sorry...thank you for telling me.
Geez...if I didn't, I wouldn't have any skin left!
Ooooh...I love this heavy heated thing she just put on my back.
Note to self: Get one of these for home.
I think I'll get Husband a massage after his half-marathon...this is the best gift EVER!!!
Nice...she's back at the feet.
OMG...DON'T LAUGH! The toe part really tickles.
She's working her way back up the legs...that feels awesome.
I seriously hope Knee doesn't dislocate again...that would kind of ruin the mood.
This oil smells nice...(deep inhale)
Oh shit...if she's working her way up the legs, that must mean the ass rub is coming soon.
I suddenly have the urge to fart.
Here we go...ass compression.
Don't fart.
Don't fart.
Don't fart.
This feels awesome.
I kind of wish I hadn't asked her to work above the blankets.
Is that pervy?
I had no idea this would feel so good.
Damn...I wish that part lasted longer!
That's what she said.
Crap...she's at the shoulders...holy shit, my shoulders are a mess.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Shit.
Fuck.
Ow.
OMG...she's breaking my shoulder tendon.
That can't really be the name...you're a dumbass.
Ow.
Get off.
She's only doing this because it will feel better later, right?
RIGHT???
Good...she's moving down the back...ahhhhh...
Great...she's at the love handles.
Is there anyway, you can massage the fat out of them?
That would be awesome...someone should do that.
Wait...I'm running out of body parts.
That means she's almost done.
Don't fart.
OMG...I don't want this to end!
If I take a deep inhale of the Tea Tree, maybe this feeling will stay with me forever.
You're a dumbass.
This oil is making you loopy!
I am totally getting Husband a massage for after his run.
Okay, Rebecca...we're all done. I'll give you a few minutes to lay here, relax, and get dressed. I'll be right outside.
Thank you...that was great.
Will you marry me?
Then I asked her some questions about Sister and GG and possible massages for people who either hurt too badly for massage or don't like to be touched, but really need a massage. Haha...
It was wonderful...and I didn't fart...not even once. GO ME!
19 comments:
OH MY WORD!
Love this post for all the graphic visuals!!!!
I asked my colleagues immediately, "who's had a full body massage?"
and one person had. So she told us everything - bum and boobs, etc :)
I think I need one :)
I find it so stressful to try to relax...and that just seems like a conflict of interest or something. I keep thinking, make like a bag of sand...make like a bag of sand...HA!
I went to this one therapist a few years ago. I had been told she was really good, but expect to come away hurting...feeling great, but hurting. Her deal was that she would focus on your neck and shoulders until she worked all the tension out. She felt like it was useless to work on your legs, for example, until your neck and shoulders were knot-free, even if it took her 45 minutes. She wasn't kidding! She kept saying, "Just relax. You're not relaxed yet." Ultimately I did feel really good, but I haven't gone back to her...I can't stand that kind of performance pressure!
My husband did not like the one massage he had, he said it was too painful. Hahaha!
The whole not farting, is seriously something I was thinking last week when I went in for my yearly exam.
I have to thank you for making me feel better today. Had a terrible fight-filled night with hubs last night and feel like doing nothing but crying this morning, and all your "don't fart" talk made me giggle. Corey gives me a butt massage occasionally, and it really does feel good. And he's not even a professional, just a husband, so I can't imagine how good yours felt. You perv!
LOVE IT. So much. I am getting a massage in a couple weeks and I. Cannot. Wait.
So jealous. I've never had a rub down, other than the hubby I'll-rub-you-rub-me rub down. I so want to do it but I have this things about being naked. I've worked sooo hard to pick up the pieces of my modesty after the girls!!
You made me laugh out loud for REAL! Love this post and so glad you enjoyed your time:)
You seriously crack me up! Don't be offended, but I so totally thought you were going to say a little tiny whiff slipped! Alright maybe I was just wanted a laugh that would have made me cry! :) Sorry if that would have been at your expense!
seriously though...glad you have a nice relaxing rub down! :)
Have a great week!
Yay for you for not farting :)
I've never had a massage. I know I know GASP, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL!!!
I am not into being touched at all and so I just opt against them. But everyone always tells me I should get one but I don't.
By the way, I was loving all your commentary as she did the rub down. Funny as usual.
you are hilarious. love it.
and i heart a good scalp massage. like i need one... i need to convince someone this would make a rockin' birthday present......
You are hilarious! Although I'm pretty sure I have nearly the same commentary running through my head when I go for a massage too. And I am going soon - love massage money as birthday presents!
YOu had me at "relax your face!"
HYSTERICAL. (Now I want to go sniff my man's tea tree shampoo....)
:)
I'm glad I'm not the only one who lies there wondering if I'm really relaxed and trying to will myself to relax even more...
Sooooo bummed...I called today to schedule a massage for next week with the gift cert I have...and go figure - the girl its for will be on vacation all week :-( aaaaaggghhhh!
Oh my gosh hilarious!
I do the exact same thing! I tried to relax but I was sooo amazed at how good it felt to have my legs rubbed, I NEVER would have imagined how nice it was!
Being a hair stylist scalp massages are the best. I always give Jake one when he has a headache or he can't fall asleep and he's suddenly out in minutes. I'd definitely tell you to go to a salon or a beauty school and ask for a scalp treatment. It's the next most amazing thing.
You've officially made me so anxious to use my 2nd massage once Emery is here!
I'm one of those freaks who can't get massaged hard enough (yes, TWSS)
I don't think I could get a massage because I would sit there and stress about what the heck they were feeling. This made me laugh.
Glad you enjoyed it!
You are HILARIOUS!! Thanks for the laugh!!!
Ha ha ha ha!!!! OMG, I laughed out loud at the motherfucker hot rock. Hee hee hee! You crack me UP. :-)
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! :-)
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