So, I'm having this problem.
Matt is becoming increasingly violent toward Hailey.
Whenever you see your child hurt, you switch into Mama Bear mode, right?
Well, what if the child who hurt your other child is actually your child too?
At the same time that you want to throw the offending child across the room, you're also supposed to be soothing the one who has been hurt. Oh, and trying to teach the offending child proper behavior.
I can't tell you how frustrating this is!
Yesterday they were thrown out of their routine. We took a little day trip to see family. They took a late nap in the car, but it was a nap nonetheless.
When we got home, we were all a little zonked, so we chilled.
At one point, Daddy was trying to get a movie on the Netflix. The Crazies were sitting on his lap. I was in the kitchen starting dinner.
All of the sudden, I hear Husband's Mad Voice...his Really Mad Voice.
I haven't heard this in a while.
He's telling Matt to get into time out NOW through gritted teeth.
Hailey's crying.
Matt's silent.
I go in and ask what happened...he had headbutted her for no reason...really really hard.
Seriously, the kid has a head like a bowling ball.
Hailey was okay...soaked up all the extra attention.
The timer beeped for Matt's time out to be over. Typically the parent who issued the time out deals with the aftermath and the explanation.
Husband was still too mad, so I did it.
Matt acknowledged that what he did was wrong, apologized for it, and apologized to Hailey. Hailey apologized right back...for some unknown reason. I think she gets upset for Matt when she knows he's in big trouble.
What he did next broke my damn heart. He went right over to where Husband was sitting and just stood there with his little bottom lip going in and out...trying his damndest not to cry. Husband broke and pulled him up to have a little chat.
Then we're taking baths later on and he clocks her in the head with a water gun...TOTALLY UNPROVOKED! WTF???
I dragged him out of the bathtub for his time out. I was so mad, I couldn't even speak.
I didn't let him back in the tub b/c I felt that Hailey deserved a little alone time to play in the tub without the risk of a concussion. Matt was so pissed and kept screaming about "I hafta be washed!!!"
What would YOU do? This crap is not only ridiculous and annoying, but now it's getting dangerous.
Oh, and we're really trying not to resort to whacking him on his ass, but I can't tell you how badly I want to do it sometimes. We're just of the thinking that if we do that, then he'll see it as an option. Oh, and then we can't say "we don't hit in this house" either.
It's so weird when that Mama Bear instinct kicks in, but you can't follow it b/c the offender is also your offspring/spawn.
12 comments:
Maybe he needs to feel the pain a few times himself. Except what can compare to that hard head? My eyebrow is still sensitive from the hit it took 2 weeks ago! And he barely reacted at the time!
Time for alone baths? This is a hard one...
This may not be relevant, as our girls are younger than your kiddos...but we've had a few bouts with the girls striking each other. I scold the striker very seriously, and then give extra cuddles to the victim. (Part of me feels a little bad for maybe being over-dramatic with my cuddles to prove a point!) Maybe there's a girl element at play here, but the striker genuinely seems to feel bad about hurting her sister, and seems to straighten up her act.
I don't know what the answer is, but I know how hard it is to referee...and to be fair to both kiddos...
I also see red when they injure each other.
Is Matt just being a typical (rough) boy or is he looking for attention?
We do the same as MandyE for infringements - make a HUGE BIG deal about the victim's injuries and totally ignore the perpetrator.
It worked with the biting. K was my biter.
Well, the girls were biters when they were younger but now that they are almost 6 - hitting has begun. Kicking, hitting, & scratching.
I am dealing with it by major time outs, explanations, then the hitter has to apologize and kiss sister on the mouth (this is the main punishment for them - they hate it!) Spankings are also a punishment at times. I definitely am at my wits end some days! When the girls were younger, I made the biter console the other. Ped suggested so they would at least learn compassion?
The thing about mad momma bears is that they are the only ones allowed to be mad at their young or lash out at them.
I had this same problem ( a long time ago) when Luke first got his teeth. He started biting Molly (hard) all the time. I would get so angry because poor girl didn't have any teeth yet to bite him back!! She did final get her revenge one day, but until then I first horrible for her! Don't worry the biting stopped a long time ago. ;-) Now they are at the stage of an occasional knock down drag outs. So at least I know they are taking up for themselves! Oh boy do you have some fun coming up! :) Good luck!
So does Hailey every retaliate? If only there were some indirect way to teach her to fight back just once. It does almost seem like he is being a boy and might need some more one or one time or an extra activity to wear his ass out.
Fingers crossed it's just a phase!
And I saw your reply on Marcia's post. I'm afraid to mess with the time spot since it's going so well! I've started putting them in opposite corners in the entry but they tend to scoot. I have to take the good child out of timeout sometimes as they like to go sit with the offender and that leads to playing and fun time. I'm seriously considering a water bottle, it works wonders with the dogs!
Boys are definitely rougher than girls. Sarah can be dramatic and does sometimes resort to hitting once in a while...but both boys get pretty physical at times. Even tonight, Adam stood there and smacked Jacob in the face several times b/c he'd taken a toy he wanted. Adam's also bitten quite a bit recently - each time he's gotten his brother - not his sister - who is more likely to back down or compromise than her brothers are.
Jacob gets in trouble a lot for hitting, kicking, head butting, etc. Just seems to be a boy thing.
I try to remember to console the victim first and then deal with the aggressor but its hard when you're mad. I also try to remember not to spank for the same reason - can't teach them not to hit when we do the same.
Try wrapping Hailey in bubble wrap to keep her safe.
I have the same problem, except my GIRL is the biter, hitter...you name it she does it. She just wants her way, and they are required to share ALOT.
However, there will not be hurtful actions from one to another in our house. We disucss what the Bible says "do to others as you would have them do to you" Luke 6:31 They both understand this means "BE NICE". We do spank, as timeouts are not used for actual violence. Usually, we discipline, we require an apology, and a hug. The offended is asked if they forgive the offender...that is the kicker... We have had a response of "no, it hurt".
These are hard...but it is nice when it goes the other way and she sees what it feels like to be on the receiving end!
This part of parenting is hard...Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6
Children obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the LORD. Colossians 3:20
We pray these over our kids every night, the kids know them by heart. It allows for conversations to begin, for information to be conveyed, and thoughts to begin about how our kids should act now and ultimately through adulthood. But if you do not instill good behavior now, when will you do it...because later it could be too late.
Just glad to know I am not the only one!
When one of my three seriously hurts someone else in this house I ask them if they want me to hit or bite them the same way they did and of course they say no.
All three of mine hit and have bitten one another. We still do the time out with the abuser and the victim always comes crying for extra attention and waits for the apology. If the abuser can't say they are sorry or explain what they did is wrong they have to stay put.
With three, someone is always taking a bath alone, and we have even given three separate baths before. I'm all for separating them during bath, to help give the some alone time and some extra attention from the bather.
Typically the three of mine will hit if someone has taken one of their toys and the other person won't give it back even after they have asked. Hitting for no reason? Not really, but it could be his way of wanting some more attention. I know how hard it is to do this, and I'm sure it is just a stage he is going through, so try not to fret, you are doing a great job keeping your cool, mom.
OMG, with my three boys, our house is like a war zone sometimes. I still haven't figured out how to deal with it.
this is so hard. I would have done exactly the same things that you did (including taking him out of hte bath tub).
G has been into hitting lately - me, herself, the wall, the floor - whatever is in her way - when she is mad and it is incredibly frustrating :(
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