"Fair does not mean the same. It means giving each child what they need."
I read this quote a while back on Shell's blog...it hit me like a ton of bricks as I am constantly questioning whether my parenting is fair or not...it's not, by the way.
It can't be...I am the mother of twins...boy/girl twins...two very different people.
How can I possibly parent them fairly?
What does "fair" even mean?
adjective
1.
free from bias, dishonesty, or injustice: a fair decision; a fair judge.
Hmmm...I am definitely not free from bias. If I were free from bias, I would hold the Crazies to exactly the same standards and make them do exactly the same things, but this isn't appropriate for them. It's not what they need. It wouldn't be fair to them as individuals.
- Hailey cannot physically eat as much as Matt...it just isn't going to happen. So, when I tell him to finish his entire plate, but tell her that she has to take two more bites of sandwich and then finish her fruit, I believe that's fair. It doesn't sound fair, but it is because it's what is appropriate for each of them.
- When Matthew knocks Hailey down and get an immediate time-out, there are times when Hailey only gets a warning for pushing. Why is that? Well, let's face it...Matt is a force to be reckoned with. He doesn't know his own strength. He can really hurt Hailey when he's roughhousing with her. He needs to learn the boundaries of his own physical prowess. On the other hand, Hailey isn't even close to that rough. When she shoves him, he barely moves...yes, it's probably annoying to him, but the possibility of him being hurt is much lower. So, while it doesn't sound fair, it is. It's conveying the lesson I want learned in my house...the lesson that will keep us out of the ER for a while longer.
- Hailey got to do the first solo activity. She started ballet class when she was two. I didn't seek anything out for Matt for two reasons. First, there aren't a lot of activities out there for young boys. Second, he didn't really need anything. He was secure in his love of running around, playing with trucks, and just being himself (a hobby within itself). I felt that Hailey was hiding in his shadows...behind his larger than life personality. We couldn't find any interests that she had and felt that she could really benefit from something to call her own. So, we enrolled her. Some parents would say that you can't do for one without doing for the other, but I totally disagree. Not only has she blossomed through dance, but they've learned to be apart for a short while...that's good for them too.
So, do I parent fairly? I'd have to answer "yes." I parent fairly for each one of my children...I parent differently for each one of my children. Does it always add up? Nope, but it works for us, so I let the guilt go (yes, there is guilt...I'm not a robot, people).
What about you? Do you parent fairly? Or do you parent appropriately?
16 comments:
Hard to say if I'm fair right now since A is still a baby. I like to think about parenting consistently though, which I think makes me fair. I think you're right about having to treat each of them as individuals. Have they started the 'it's not fair' whine? S has, and I have no idea where she picked that up from
As you have heard many times and probably have said to students, "Life isn't fair.", so for the most part I agree with you.
The only point you made that I disagree with is Hailey not being punished as severely for physical aggression. Whether she is capable of physically hurting him or not is irrelevant. An act of aggression, regardless of outcome, is an act of aggression.
I have two boys, four years apart, and sometimes I realize that it may seem as if I'm favoring the youngest especially when they are fighting because his brother has a pretty big physical advantage over him.
So...I try to make it a point to punish him just as harshly when he attacks his brother.
Kids are all different and individualistic, like all of us, which, I think, makes it impossible to parent them both (or all) exactly the same way.
Not sure yet, with only one little gal...but I'm sure it will never be "even" or "perfect" whenever the time for two comes. I'm sure I'll muddle my way through the best I can and secondguess about every decision as I already do! Fairness is good to strive for though; helps keep some balance there!
I definitely agree with the sentiment that all kids are different (even twins, especially boy/girl, but even my identicals) and need different things at different times. No, life is not fair, and that's a lesson that will be learned eventually. But I think you are very right in saying that it really IS fair to be giving each of them what they need.
I totally agree with Shell's definition of fair. Although Maggie is much younger, I can already see that there will be things she doesn't get in trouble for that PJ will, because he's a boy, he's bigger, and he can hurt her. I think you're right on, and I think I will end up doing the same thing.
I totally agree with you. It can't be the same for each of our kids. We have to look at each one individually and figure out what they need, not compare it to what we are giving their siblings.
I totally agree. My parents treated me and my sisters the same.. everything was equal, but we had different needs. I'm not going to lie and say that it didn't affect us negatively to an extent. My husband and I both agree that we will treat each child according to their needs, even if it doesn't seem fair to them at the time.
I don't think any parent is the same for each chile. I was the youngest so the rules were less stringent for me then they were for my oldest sister. Also as a parent you evolve as you get more comfortable.
Every child is unique, so I parent fairly in the case that I parent them for what is needed for them. I loved hearing your perspective.
Kids are different and it's a constant balance. But I agree that you have to parent them differently sometimes.
oh man. i love that definition of fair. i came from a family where we literally counted out the m & m's, divided them by color and THEN distributed them. me and my two sisters each had the same number of green, brown, yellow, red candy. and that's just CANDY!!
do i parent fairly? for now, yes. the kids are pretty equal right now. they're both rough, loving, smart, and silly. but i'm not afraid to change if the circumstances require it :)
Omg..I wish I'd seen this quote earlier today. I was just having this discussion with another teacher about our students a few hours ago! I totally believe in this approach, as a teacher and a parent!!
Great, great post!!!!
love that definition.
I like to think I'm fair, but I'm far more objective than most people would like :)
D included HAHAHA
Life isn't fair and the sooner they get used to it the better - these are the advantages of twins, or so I tell myself
Thanks for this post. I have b/g twins who will be two in February and I struggle with "fair" daily. Your post said it all perfectly!!
You said it perfectly. There is no way I can do the same for these three. No way. They are unique in their own ways. I can tell A to go to her room when she gets sassy. I can put K in time out on the stairs, and E well he rarely gets in trouble as he is the victim.
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