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| Thanks, Shell...clearly, I needed to get this out. |
I've worked since I was 16 years old.
That's 21 years if you're counting (and let's not, okay? omgi'mgettingold).
I love to work.
I've been a SAHM for 3+ years. It doesn't seem like a lot, but it feels like a looooooong time.
I miss teaching more than I thought I would. I miss my friends. I miss the built-in society we had in that school.
I don't have that. I don't have close friends that I could call at the drop of a hat and complain to. All of my good friends work. I have acquaintances and I don't wanna call them (whine, whine).
I go back and forth with close girlfriends. I had a few in middle school...not many in high school...a ton in college and in my 20s, but things have changed.
People are so damn busy and we've spread out geographically.
I don't really like many people in our area...not enough to feel comfortable enough to really put the time/energy into cultivating a new friendship. It's hard enough to say "hi" or "good morning" when you're dragging twins into their school...much less ask a harmless question like "how was your weekend?" and be able to actually concentrate on the answer.
The other thing that's hard about our area is that a lot of people who live here grew up here. They know each other. They go way back. They're leery about outsiders.
So, where is this all coming from?
I was blindsided by Husband the other day about whether or not I was happy. I hadn't really been thinking about it, but I haven't been happy. Staying at home is b.o.r.i.n.g sometimes and, to be honest, I'm not that happy.
We talked about me going back to work.
We talked about how this may not be enough for me.
We talked about our options.
I cried...a lot.
I contemplated the decision...what it would entail.
I questioned my sanity because I have a really good life. I get to (yes, I say "get to" because I am lucky enough to be able to do this) stay at home with my kids. I get to see all of their little moments. I get to get them dressed every day and talk about what adventures we're going to embark on that day. I get to rescue them from scary situations. I get to encourage them in risky situations. I get to wipe their noses, eyes, and asses. I get to pick them up when they fall. I get to let them learn their lesson. I get to share all of that with them.
I am lucky.
So, if I'm so lucky, why can't I be happy at the same time?
Husband's concern was that my personality was being flattened (my words, not his...he was much more sensitive) and that I wouldn't be able to get it back. Interesting...will I really be able to get it back? I freaking talk to 3-year olds all.day.long. How in the world could I restart my career with people who haven't taken a break? People who have continued to educate themselves? People who have maintained their social skills?
But wouldn't the money be nice?
Wouldn't it be nice if someone outside of this house relied on me? If they thought what I was doing was important rather than just telling me repeatedly that I gave them the wrong snack cup?
Wouldn't it be nice to see adults every single day? (then I reminded myself that most adults are assholes)
Wouldn't it be nice to feel like myself again (because I feel completely at home in a middle school classroom)?
Husband was also afraid that I'd resent this time in our lives...or worse...resent the Crazies.
But wouldn't the money be nice?
Wouldn't it be nice if someone outside of this house relied on me? If they thought what I was doing was important rather than just telling me repeatedly that I gave them the wrong snack cup?
Wouldn't it be nice to see adults every single day? (then I reminded myself that most adults are assholes)
Wouldn't it be nice to feel like myself again (because I feel completely at home in a middle school classroom)?
Husband was also afraid that I'd resent this time in our lives...or worse...resent the Crazies.
And the bigger question...what in the world would I do with my kids if I did go back to work?
We don't have family down here.
I don't trust other people.
I would have a real issue knowing that my children were being driven around by someone other than us (because I'm such an awesome driver, right? I never always speed and I've only been in a few several accidents).
I'm not there yet.
I'm not there yet. There, I've said it.
I'm not there yet.
I'm not there yet. There, I've said it.
But I had to get it out. I'm not the only one who feels that this is mind-numbingly boring sometimes. I'm not the only one who feels lonely in an era of unending social connections. I'm not the only who wonders if there's something that I'm missing (and then immediately feels guilty because so many people want to do what I'm doing). I'm not the only one who feels that her personality is being zapped by the fact that I repeatedly laugh over someone saying "underpants." I'm not the only one, right?
I'm not ashamed over repeatedly laughing over farts though...farts will forever be funny.
Oh, and at least there's this. Hope springs eternal!
I'm not ashamed over repeatedly laughing over farts though...farts will forever be funny.
Oh, and at least there's this. Hope springs eternal!
22 comments:
Wow! I am so going through the same thing...though I've been out of the game even longer. Now I'm scared that my brain has completely rotted out and I'll never be a coherent adult able to work in an professional environment again. So much to figure out!!!
You can call me and complain if you want! :)
Happy holidays!
Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma What's for Dinner
www.mawhats4dinner.com
WAYYYYY too much to comment on here! I'm calling you...
In the meantime, underpants, underpants, underpants :)
I was a stay at home mom of five and it worked for me.
My daughter however has three boys and she's gotta work. She loves the kids but it's just not enough. Does she feel guilty sometimes, sure. But her career is necessary or she'd be miserable so her and her husband worked it out.
I think it's great that you and your hubby can talk/cry together, you'll work it out I bet!
I really think this is a choice that is up to each individual person.
I feel like you do about the people around me- I don't have friends here. I may NEVER have friends here... I used to, when I was teaching, but trying to get together with old co-workers hasn't really worked. And there's this weird circle of "locals" that you can't break into unless you are one.
For me, despite this, it's still the right thing to do for me to be home.
But, I know that it's not the right thing for everyone.
AAHHHH!!! What is it with all the SAHM posts this morning? Is God just trying to force me to "out" myself? I'm trying desperately to juggle all things because I love my job. But I'm failing miserably. And I'm terrified that if I stay home I will be miserable! love the post. maybe we can form our own little group of friends? Kristen
This debate has come up every few months in our house, to the point a few months ago I sent out resumes and was offered an interview for a long term sub position in an ideal job. However, when push came to shove, I realized while the paycheck would be fabulous and the personal satisfaction might be there, I'd miss the hell out of my kids.
So I've tabled it again.
I think I'll go back...some day.
I never wanted to stay home...I don't usually say it so bluntly, but I really didn't, especially after I actually had kids and realized all that staying home entails. My house is an absolute WRECK on days that we are all at home. (I might, however, want to stay at home when my kids are in high school...they'll need me then, right??)
I can totally understand how frustrating it is to want both worlds.
One thing to mention: All those things in your "get to" paragraph? I get to do them too...even if someone else does them a few hours a day, Monday-Friday. I really and truly don't feel like I have missed out on time with my children, so it's not totally an either/or thing. : )
I can understand the fear of leaving them with people too, though. I am lucky enough to have my mom and other family right here to take care of the girls, and that goes a LONG way. I can definitely imagine I might feel differently about staying home if that were not the situation.
You'll work it out...either way, remember these days are short in the long run!
I know that feeling!! I am lucky enough to have a job that has a very flexible schedule!! When I went back to work it was glorious, even though I went from swiping poo off my sweet babies butts to swiping it off fat diabetic drunks!! At least I could pee without someone lying on their backs and kicking the door!! I guess if you would go back to work now it would have to be full time!! That makes it much harder to do!!
I work but I really don't have a network in either place. I think people are really hard to truly connect with nowadays - despite our best efforts to form those relationships.
I don't think any mom will ever completely know (believe?) if she's doing the right thing for her children by staying home or going to work. It's such a hard decision either way - with sacrifices on both sides! Just know that your choice is made out of love. And love is all that really matters.
First, thank you for sharing your honest opinions.
As you know, I applied for a job, and then turned down the interview. I am in the exact same position as you. I have been home for 2 years now and it looks like it could be another two years due to Sept. birthdays. I don't know what I want. I want to be home with them, I'm enjoying it, but I do miss working. I'm trying to see if this masters degree will lead to some opportunities come fall that would allow me to stay home but still work. It's a battle I go through quite often and hubby has also encouraged me to work if it will make me happy, but I don't know that it would. I think I would regret missing this time with them more than I will missing the classroom.
Why can't we live near each other so we can let our kids play and socialize? This would be a wonderful solution.
I feel the same way. If it weren't for my website it would be even worse. It is nice to know that I'm not the only one :)
Thank you!
Julia Kurtz
Baby Shoe Addict
KyleighsCloset.com
We miss you, too, if that's any consolation. And yes, adults are assholes, but I understand your desire to want to come back to work. There's something about coming in every day and getting shit done. I can't speak too much on this topic, since I don't have kids, but I DO appreciate you sharing this!
Oh gosh, I couldn't have said it better myself. In fact, I just admitted to a friend yesterday that the thought of playing one more board game with the kids during Winter break makes me want to peel my eyeballs out of my eye sockets with a crab fork.
It can be SO boring...SO repetitive (in the sense of basic needs...brush teeth, make breakfast, play games, make lunch, play games, run errands, make snack, play, make dinner, give baths, read books, scream at them to stay in bed or they will die...)
Like you, I feel it's a privilege to be able to stay home with my kids but like any "job" we're entitled to not love our jobs every moment of the day, we're entitled to bitch about our "employers"...dang, we don't even get sick days or lunch breaks.
I sooo wish we were neighbors. I'd have you and your kids over my house every single day. Even better, I'd answer the phone every time you called even if it was only for you to say, "I feel like sticking my head in the oven. Talk to you later," and then hang up so you at least felt like you had someone to vent to without having to make excuses or end up in a long dreadful conversation.
Oh and on a side note, I was so touched by the fact that your husband noticed you haven't seemed happy. That was so sweet of him to, first of all, notice and then, secondly, to bring it up to you. It's obvious your happiness is a priority for him. So very sweet.
It is so hard, no matter which way you go, isn't it? I am just not hard-wired to be a SAHM. At least not of 3 so close in age. By Monday, I'm definitely ready to go back to work. And by 4pm every Monday-Friday, I am so ready to see my kiddos. I feel guilty, but try to ignore it most of the time.
I like being intellectually challenged. Even coming back after maternity leave that was only 4 months long, I felt like my brain was a pile of goo. There are still days I wonder if people think I've lost my marbles because I lose my train of thought so easily or can't think of the word I'm looking for. Having kids definitely does something to your brain, regardless of whether or not you stay at home with them!
great post, Rebecca.
Love that Husband noticed your unhappiness - love that perception.
I thought I might want to go half day... but when I had babies i couldn't wait to go back to work./ YOu know I'm no fan of the newborn stage.
Fortunately D knew me better and said I need to work to feel good.
And I do.
I've always thought you needed to get out more but figured the tutoring was enough for you. No?
Like Deanna, I also don't feel I'm depriving myself or my kids by working - I know they get a better mother this way :)
you're not the only one. i'm a hybrid and i'm always feeling like i'm not giving enough of myself: when i'm at work i wish i was home; when i'm home i feel guilty that i'm not working.
it's never going to be "just right" i don't think.
and i totally get you on the friend thing. we have friends that have a child around the same age as our kids and after we spend an afternoon with them i'm exhausted and i have NO IDEA what went on. we barely speak b/c we're trying to manage the chaos. :( it's just hard.
i'm coming back to your area again twice in april :)
OMG This is totally me! I dropped to less than 20 hours a week at a crap job just to say "I get out." But I hate it. But I can't let it go. It's all I have to define me outside of mom which gets so little respect.
It also makes me think how much I hate leaving the kids, I don't even trust my parents for long periods of time. I hate how my jobs wants me to choose them over my family. I hate how my family wants me to quit. I hate how I want to quit. I hate how I.just.can't!
More power to you! Be proud mama!! If you ever find yourself needing a friend, with kiddies in tow, we're just downtown!
If you feel like you are doing what is right for your family, then you are. It sucks that it's boring and lonely sometimes, though. No body wants that :(
So interesting that you posted these thoughts this week. I was honestly completely on the other side of this feeling this week. The Working Mom feeling incredibly guilty and wishing I was a SAHM.
I go in spurts on this. There are times when I know I've got it pretty good as a working mom - very few nights, no weekends, summers off...it works out pretty well, right? Other weeks, things just go smoothly - I can easily balance my Mom and Teacher roles and everyone is happy....but this fall has been tough.
I've been super busy at work this fall - not sure why this year seems worse than usual but it just seems there have been so many days where I have tons to do and there's no way I can take a day off. Meanwhile, the kids have had more and more they want me there for - especially J&S who have Kdg things AND daycare things going on. They BEGGED me to come help last week for Gingerbread houses but I couldn't. They asked for me to leave work early for their parties today, but I couldn't. Sarah knows how to lay the guilt on thick and did so last week...but I think today was even worse when I said I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it in time and she said "That's ok Mom. I understand." While I appreciated that, it broke my heart, too.
Neither side is easy or perfect. Many of us that work wish we could stay home...and many Moms who stay home, wish they were at work. Even like April said above - even when we think we can balance it - we always feel like we're not giving our all to the other side of it. :-(
I will say this - I think its awesome that your husband was the one to bring this up, in a supportive and thoughtful way. I don't think most husbands 'get it' - how we Moms stress and feel so much guilt and are so torn. They just do what they do and rarely think twice about it. Do you ever wonder why us moms can't do that, too??
I don't ever think there is an answer that works for everyone. It's so hard to find a balance between family and a career. I've been very blessed to work part time and have a husband who has a flexible schedule. You'll find YOU when it's all said and done, I'm sure of it.
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