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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Love/Hate Relationships...we all have them, right?

Except yours probably aren't with cell phones...for serious...that's mine.

The reasons why I would love them are obvious...up-to-the-minute weather and traffic (what a fucking dork I am), instant internet if I'm on the pot (TMI?), keeping me occupied in the car (hands free, of course), and Angry Birds.

The reasons why I hate them grow exponentially every day...for serious.

  • If you live in a state where you need to have a hands-free device while driving, please understand that HOLDING THE FUCKING PHONE UP TO YOUR FACE WHILE IT'S ON SPEAKER DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AS "HANDS FREE!!!!"  It really just make you look like an idiot and drive like a moron.  Plus, if you haven't noticed, you're still using your hands!!!

  • If you're walking in the mall and your phone is on speaker, WE CAN ALL HEAR YOUR CONVERSATION AND WE DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT IT!!!  Is it really too much trouble to hold the phone up to your ear?  If it is, you need to hit the gym!  Spare the rest of us...we really don't care.

  • If you're waiting for your kid to finish up tutoring, it is not okay to curl up in a cozy chair and proceed to have your weekly chat with your best friend from high school...WE ARE WORKING HERE...IT'S A FREAKING LIBRARY!!!  How about you trot your ass out to your car and sit there for God's sake!  After all, the way they make cars these days, I'm sure you'll be just as comfortable and we won't have to listen to your silly conversations and to you cursing*...libraries are supposed to be quiet and I'd bet my bottom dollar that if someone were doing that around your kid, you'd be the first one to pipe up and ask them to hang up.

  • Checking your text messages while driving is dangerous AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!!!  Your silly little head is at an angle that is impossible for driving...we got your number, Buddy!  Please stop this...it's ridiculous...and it's mostly middle aged men.  Guess what?  You're not that important!!!

  • When you walk into a public place (school, doctor's office, library), please TURN YOUR RINGER OFF (or at least down a tad)!!!!  It's rude and we don't care about your bings, dings, and rings...enough, already!
  • True conversation that I heard tonight while I was tutoring...AT THE LIBRARY:
HI!  WHO WAS THAT GUY THAT WE WERE ALL TALKING ABOUT AT DINNER THE OTHER NIGHT?
YEAH...THE SINGER.
NO, THE ONE THAT WE ALL KNEW, BUT COULDN'T REMEMBER HIS NAME...WHO WAS THAT?
I KNOW!!!
I CAN'T REMEMBER EITHER!
OH...HE'S A YOUNG GUY...DARK HAIR AND DARK EYES...HE SINGS THAT SONG ABOUT THE SKY???
YOU CAN'T REMEMBER EITHER...JACK?  JOHN?  JOSH!
OOOOHHHH!!!  JOSH SOUNDS FAMILIAR, RIGHT?  WHAT WAS HIS LAST NAME?
NO, I'M STANDING AT THE CD SECTION IN THE LIBRARY...I'M LOOKING THROUGH ALL OF THESE AND I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER HIS NAME!
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, YEAH, I'LL PICK HIM UP LATER.
GROGEN...JOSH GROGEN...G-R-O-G-E-N?
OKAY...I'LL LOOK, BUT THAT DOESN'T SOUND RIGHT...NOPE...CAN'T FIND IT.
WHAT'S THAT?  GROBAN?  G-R-O-B-A-N???  YEAH...THAT'S HIM.
THANKS...BYE

Seriously, I almost lost my mind.  So, please, I beg of you...be conscious of where you're speaking.  We, the general public and normal people, don't give a shit about your conversation.  Most of us on this Earth are really just looking for a few moments of peace.  Give us that much...hang the hell up!!!

* I may hear more than the average human b/c my ears stick out at 90 degree angles.  I may look weird, but I can hear anything...clearly, this can be a burden!

Brain Update...cause you've been dying to know, right?

So, as our lovely governor of California would say...

What a hunk of man meat, huh?  He's too much for me, but go Maria Shriver...handle that!  (Image credit)


It's not a tumor!  I wasn't really worried about a brain tumor, but more of a benign tumor resting on a part of my inner ear.  Okay, maybe I was a little worried about a brain tumor, but we didn't see one, did we?  Yes, I showed you my brain...what a winner.

So, it looks like it was part of a virus from the never ending cold that settled in my ear.  I just have to wait it out.  Also, since alcohol seems to make it worse, I'm off that for a while...until my brain gets its fucking act together recalibrates (yeah, sounds shitty to me too).  The wine thing hasn't been a problem, I just switched to tea...cheaper, and I've already lost 2 pounds.

He also mentioned dehydration (as many people have) being a factor and how dry the houses are right now.  He isn't kidding...if I didn't have an IUD, my uterus may look like a raisin by now!  YIKES!!!  It's like living in a really cold desert...doesn't that sound like the suckiest place on Earth???

So, there you have it.  I'm relatively normal.

In other news, I was driving the Crazies home from preschool yesterday and had this little conversation:

Mommy:  Did you have fun at school today?
Hailey:  Daddy at work?
Mommy:  Yes, Daddy's at work today.
Hailey:  Oh...I no yike Mommy.
Matt:  I love Daddy.
Hailey:  Yeah...I love Daddy too.
Mommy:  Does anyone love Mommy today:
Both (casually, as if they aren't ripping my heart out):  Nah...

P.S. I just saw something about books for blogging...come on, is it really that hard?