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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Pour Your Heart Out Tuesday


Things I Can't Say


Thanks to Shell, I can tell you what I'm about to tell you without being judged, right?  RIGHT???

Disclaimer:  Before I share this, you have to warned that just because I don't like this particular thing, doesn't mean I don't love them.  Please don't take this personally or withhold them from me.  I enjoy you and what I know they will be.  They're awesome and will, eventually, become even more awesome.  I just don't like them at this particular stage...does that make sense?  NO???  It will in a second...




Ready???





I cannot stand newborn babies.

There, I said it.  I'm just not a fan.

I know I'm not alone, but no one ever says it!  People get all wishy washy and wistful about the way they smell (which is gross, by the way) and how they're so sweet (which I guess they can be, but it's totally unintentional, so I don't get all turned on by it...if they made an effort, then maybe).

When people mention wanting to have more, I look at them like they're lost their damn minds.  I know...I know there's something wrong with me, right?  It's gotta be me because who could dislike those little bundles of joy?

You really want to know about my weird feelings?  Okay, we won't mention the way I almost starved my two little newborns (totally by accident...how could I know I wasn't producing enough milk???) or how I consistently hallucinated from sleep deprivation that I "lost them" in our comforter night after night...nah, we won't get into that.
It's their heads.  Their floppy wobbly heads that I just can't get a handle on.  No one ever knows what direction those huge little heads will go in, but they're all so concerned.  Everyone is so concerned about the baby's head - "hold the baby's head" "watch the baby's head".  Gross, right?  Those floppy little heads have a mind of their own and they're all against me.  It's a baby head conspiracy...

Oh, and what about their little tight fists.  Ummm...hello!!!  I want you to hold my finger - not spend 10 minutes prying your fingers off your palm!!!  I'm trying to be nice here, Newborn...work with me!  After all, I'm holding your head, right?  Oh, and you have finger cheese...what's that about?

Their cries send me over the edge...

The spitting up?  No thanks...

Their craps are ungodly...

They pee straight up in the air and sometimes into your mouth!

They don't understand anything.

Their eyeballs look weird.

They can't hold their own bottle/teat.

Everyone always wants you to hold them.

I do kind of feel bad for them though.  People are always getting in their faces with weird voices and sounds.  When they attend their own baptisms, they end up smelling like crap b/c everyone rubs their perfumed and cologned faces all over their fuzzy little heads.  The world is so bright and loud...that's gotta be confusing...no wonder they look confused all the time.  They can't get a decent night's sleep to save their lives.  Their baths are terrifying.  They can't move, so they're sitting ducks for the family dog.  

Anyway, think I'm going to Hell.  Think I'm a horrible person.  Some people hate the toddler stage.  Some people hate the teenage years.  I hated the newborn stage.  What can I say?  I had to pour my heart out.

This post is dedicated to my new nephew, Baby L (yes, I dedicated this post to a newborn...yes, I know how demented that is...I just hope that SIL is too busy to read this or reads it with a sense of humor b/c that's totally how it's meant).  He was born on Saturday and I can't wait to meet him.  I promise to hold his little head very carefully and even sniff it a little.  I promise that I will hold him as long as I can to give his mother a break.  I promise that I will not quake at the thought of having to change his diaper.  I vow not to make any dirty faces when someone asks me if I want another (I don't BTW, can you tell?).  I promise to love him because in about a year and a half, he will be awesome and I must get him to worship me now.

Bahahahahaaaa...I just read through this entire thing and I can't believe that I'm about to hit "publish."  I'm pretty sure CPS will be at my door later on this afternoon!