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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Evolution of My Boobies

1974 - My Boobies were born

1974 - 1986 - My Boobies were nonexistent

1986 - My Boobies because tiny little painful mosquito bites on my chest that I became increasingly aware of.  Remember the growing pains associated with puberty...OUCH!!!

1986 - 1989 - My Boobies were a source of embarrassment.  When it was cold, they'd stand at attention.  When I experimented with different bras, they were all sadly disappointing.  My Boobies would never look that I wanted them to...or would they?

1989 - I asked my mother what "masturbation" was.  She doesn't remember this at all and swears she never said it, but her definition was "pulling on something to make it bigger." I pulled on My Boobies...too much.  This doesn't work, by the way.

1990 - My Boobies were playthings for my first boyfriend.  I still didn't believe they were cute or perky or anything because when I'd squish them into those Second Skin Satin bras by V.S., my Boobies just came out looking like oddly shaped rounded triangles.

1992 - Still trying to hide my shape, I'd drown myself in size 9/10 Gap jeans when I was really a 1/2.  Why did I do this???  I still wonder that.  Did I not know how cute I was???  My shirts were also XL and mostly

1992 - 1996 - College...still hiding.  The size of my clothes decreased a little bit, but the overall shape just got worse.  After all, they were the years of grunge.  I'd like to thank Pearl Jam and Nirvana for never allowing me to look cute in college.  When I "dressed up," it included long flowery dresses with lace collars...seriously???  When we went to parties or bars, it involved ripped jeans, flannel shirts, and boots.  I even went to far as to buy a man's Woolrich red/black flannel jackets in size Large because it was cold out that winter (and I had a discount from working at Dick's).  I'd also like to mention that my bra size was a 34C...go me!  It's just so sad that I hid them under all that flannel...those were the best years of their life, right???

1996 - 2003 -The boobies spent these years attracting attention...lots of attention.  They would often show up unharnessed in the summer.  After all, they didn't need support and they were welcomed with open arms.  They would be hidden under sweaters in the winter, but not loose sweaters anymore...I learned my lesson in college.  These sweaters were nicely contoured and did their job.  I could wear any bathing suit I wanted without worrying about "support" because I didn't need support.  The bras that I did buy were Vic.toria's Secret because that was just the thing to do, right?  If you're young and single, you need beautiful bras "just in case."  I couldn't afford V.S. bras, but I had plenty of them.  These were the Glory Years and I miss them.

2003 - 2007 - The boobies spent these years being more, ahem, exclusive.  After all, after meeting Husband, I couldn't just let them fly around any more.  I was much more careful with the boobies and I also started to realize that they needed support.  If I didn't give it to them, who would?  If I didn't do it now, things would end up being a disaster.  I got married in 2005 and wore the most awesome bra in the world...well worth the $80 that I paid for it.  The boobies had their ups and downs during these times due to hormonal swelling, Dog pawing at them as a puppy, and trying to find the perfect bathing suit...ugh.

2008 - The boobies were seriously abused during 2008.  After all, this was the year of the Crazies' birth.  They had a new function and that was nourishment...their job was to nourish the Crazies and they failed miserably.  I thought I was nursing correctly.  The lactation consultant told me I was doing it correctly, but I just couldn't produce enough milk.  Oh, and let's not even get started on that torture device they call a breast pump.  That thing did performed the most horrific acts on my boobies and I just sat back and watched (while rocking two infants in their car seats with my feet...talented, aren't I?).  They were stretched, pulled, twisted, and ridiculed this year and I just sat back and watched.  After all, I blamed them for the malnourishment of my babies, so I just sat back and watched.  I hated them.

2009 - present - The boobies are holding their own these days.  They are not as perky as they were back in the day, but they still look quite nice if I do say so myself.  The bra size stands at a 34D (WTF??? D-cup?) and I use them as a tool to make my tummy appear smaller (stupid abdominal separation...more on that soon).  I bought a Big Girl strapless bra this year for a interestingly shaped shirt and it worked more cheap strapless bras for me!  I also invested in some really good bras at Husband's insistence urging.  The bathing suit thing is still a challenge, but I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this.  There are times that I have to lift the boobies up from behind one of the Crazies' domes while reading a book, but I find solace in knowing that I am giving them neck support while we nourish our imaginations.  They may or may not be a source of attraction for others...I don't pay that much attention these days.  I can honestly say that I still love them...and for that I feel lucky.

2014 - I will be having my first mammogram and I am petrified.  My grandmother died from breast cancer, but since then, the women in my family have only had minor issues.  It scares me to death.

So, there you have it...everything you never wanted to know about my boobies.

What about you?  Do you love them?  Hate them?  Miss their earlier days?