Ummm...Please Don't Steal My Craziness...Okay? Thanks!

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Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Bump, Bump, Bump, Bump, Shhhhhhh...My Day In Phone Calls

Called J.
Remember the days when we lamented about whether or not we should call in sick?
Yup...we totally should have done that...every single time.
Can we still do that?
Nope...suck it up.
Other mindless Mom-chatter.
Hang up.

Called A.
So, I wanted to make sure we're still on for tomorrow.
Absolutely...do you want to have lunch here?
If that's okay with you.
Sure!
Okay, we'll be over after the Crazies conference (which, BTW, I find completely annoying).
Okay...see you then.

Husband calls.
Work sucks.
I'll trade places with you.
Yeah...you would kill someone here.
I know...it would feel so good.
What are you doing later?
I'm going to H*megoods to get A a housewarming present.
Okay...I'll see you for dinner then.
Okay!  Love you!
Other mushy shit...don't kill the kids...don't go postal at work...yadda, yadda, yadda...

Crazies wake from naps.
Snacks in the car.
Everything is going along swimmingly...that should have been my first clue.

Call G.G.
How was M's bridal shower?
Good...so good to see everyone...we got snowed in...I'm missing my lessons...yadda, yadda, yadda.
Oh crap...I turned down the wrong street and I'm in the middle of farm country.
Oh God...do you want to go so you can concentrate?
Nope...I'm good.  I'll just turn around at the church!
Continue gabbing...get back on the road.

BUMP, BUMP, BUMP...

Mom, let me call you back.  There's some weird noise at the back of my car.
Okay...bye.

Pull over.  
Get out of the car as the Crazies eye me suspiciously like I'm going to leave them on the side of the road or something.  
Check the back tire...like I know what the hell I'm looking for.  
I kick it so that I look official.  
Then I get back in the car.

Hey, Mom...I guess it's nothing.  I couldn't see anything.
Oh, maybe you ran over something.  Are you still hearing the noise?
Yes, but when I go faster, it disappears.
Oh good.

That's right...when you hear a noise, go faster...if it suddenly disappears, it was probably nothing to speak of in the first place.  

We do not hail from the Goodwrench family in case you're wondering.

So, we continue on our way.  We make the correct turn and all of the sudden, my tire sensors light up like it's freaking Christmas.

Mom, I really think I should go now.  My dashboard looks like a used car lot on Memorial Day Weekend.
Okay, I'll text you when I get back home.  Good luck!
Yeah...you too (knowing that she's hitting Long Island at rush hour...that equates to Royally Screwed in our book).

Pull onto some side country road AGAIN!
Get out of the car...Matt is incessantly asking me what's going on.
Hailey is just sitting there wondering if I've finally lost my mind this time.

SSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Air is literally pouring out of my tire.
SHIT!
Gotta turn around, go home, and get this fixed pronto.

Get back in the car.  
Crazies are asking what's happening.
I explain that we're going back home...that the car is broken.
Hailey asks if we're still going to the store and starts crying when I tell her that we're not.

I turn back onto the road and realize that there is no freaking way I can drive all the way home.  
I pull over yet again, get out yet again, walk to the tire once again, and realize that it is completely flat.

Hi, Husband...where are you?
I just got home, why?
I have a flat tire.  It's really flat.
Shit...what a f*cking day, huh?
Yup...I'm going to call AAA and then I'll call you back.
Alright, I'll change in case I need to come get the kids.  Are you guys in a safe location?
Ummm...sure (if you consider the shoulder of a country road with cars whizzing by "safe").
Okay, call me back.

AAA, how can we help you?
I have a flat tire.
Can I have your account number?
Sure...it's ********************* (it's really fun to give an account number while you're on speaker phone and your kids are starting to repeat every number you say...it's really fun to have to repeat yourself 500 times...no, seriously...you should try it sometime).
Okay...someone will be there in approximately 45 minutes.
Thanks.

Hailey is really upset that we're not going to be able to get A a present today.  
She wells up with tears and it just breaks my heart, but this is the Age of Convenience.  
I quickly reach into the glove box and magically create a Madagascar DVD...go me!  
The Crazies start clapping.  
I start the movie, rebuckle my seatbelt and will other cars away from me as the whiz on by.

You want me to come so you can get the kids home?
Yeah...I think so.  They say 45 minutes, but you never know and I need to give them dinner...yadda, yadda, yadda.
Okay...let me change and I'll be there in about 20 minutes.
Great...approximately the same time as the tow truck.
Matt starts freaking out b/c he might get to see a tow truck in real life!
Okay...well, I'll be there soon.
Great...

So, the tow truck came shortly after Husband arrived.  It was a good thing anyway b/c I'm pretty sure the dude would have made me remove the Crazies from the car anyway.  We drove home in Husband's car while he stayed with the tow truck.  Dinner immediately switched from fish, brown rice, and fresh spinach to Mac/Cheese/Hotdogs for the Crazies and mozzarella sticks for us.

What a freaking day...I should have called in sick.