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Friday, March 18, 2011

Friday Night Leftovers - The Holy Crap, I Suck Sometimes Edition


That's right...I suck sometimes...imagine that!

This morning was not my finest morning as a parent...for serious.

Here are some things NOT to do when you're going to nominate yourself for Mother-of-the-Year (that's right...I am...don't be jealous):

  • Apparently it doesn't look good if you curse a blue streak when your child starts to call for you at 6:20 AM.

  • You're also not supposed to go in and try to talk him into "being quiet" and "going back to sleep."  That invokes whines and screams of neglect...clearly they're neglected, right?

  • When you suggest to said child that they "not wake their sister," remember that just bringing up the idea seems like a suggestion to a 2.5 year old.

  • Upon drying your hair and trying to quietly drink your coffee...ignoring the cries is not a great idea...it's just frustrating.

  • So, do the next best thing...march up those stairs, put the soft light on, throw some Doodle Pad Thingies in their beds, tell them to draw you a picture, give them some books, and return downstairs to enjoy the silence.

  • When you go to get them, remember that they're going to want to choose their own outfits, but tell them that they can't.  It really gets them on your side for the day.

  • While you're trying to get breakfast on the table, don't tell them 500 times to get in their chairs.  It's also not a great idea to yell at them after your son finished his pancakes in 0.5 seconds that you "haven't even taken a bite yet" or that you're "starving" or that your "stomach is eating itself" because they don't give a shit.

  • Don't correct them when they claim to have received their favorite vitamin color...when they both clearly received red.  Just smile and nod and hope that they still retain their color knowledge.

  • When your children decided that this beautiful sunny day seems to be the best time to remember the rain boots we've had hidden away all Winter...let them wear them around the house.  Then let them run.  Then yell at them for running.  Accuse one of almost breaking his leg on the open dishwasher.  Then don't soothe the one that falls...tell them that's "what you get for running in boots after you were told not to."

  • It's probably not the best idea to blame one child when the other tells you that she's tired...pitting children against each other is not high on the list of "do's" in parenting manuals (wait...they don't write those...otherwise, I'd be pretty damn good by now, right?).  Seriously though, she wouldn't be tired if he didn't wake her up.

  • Don't forgo your morning chores just to get out of the house even though you know if you don't get out, you're going to explode.  Just finish everything out so you can leave knowing that you've "done your job."

  • Pile your spawn into the car and head out for some retail therapy.  After all...nothing says "well behaved children in public" like your kids after you've spent all morning trying to get them back to sleep, yelling, and starting WWIII in your own home.

  • Don't skimp on lunch and make all cold items...okay, I can tell you it was a pretty good lunch, but not a lot of effort involved...MOM WIN!

  • You probably shouldn't skype with your sister while wondering why it's so quiet in the living room...something is always happening and you know this.  Stop living in denial!

  • Don't accuse your child of lying to you about pooping just because he's done it 17 times before...you could possibly be right about it this time.

  • Starting to cry (from happiness, of course) when you realize it's only 10 minutes until nap time does not exude the aura of calm that you're trying to emit.
That's just the morning...we won't get into the afternoon.  At least it's warm and sunny, right???

Thanks Danifred...I needed this!!!

It's 9:22 AM...

...and I want a fucking do-over on this day.

More later on Friday Night Leftovers...for serious.

Oh, and vote on my poll...I need your information.