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Monday, March 28, 2011

My Thoughts on my Birthday Massage

I notice you haven't been here for about 3 years.
That's right...I have twin toddlers, so they've taken over my life and my brain.
Oh...I get it.  Is there anything you'd like to focus on with today's massage?
Yes, my shoulders are killing me.  I hurt one last week while I was sleeping (WTF?) and my daughter, all 25 pounds of her, knocked one out of joint last night.
Okay.  We can definitely do that.  Are you interested in some gluteal massage?
Shit yeah!  Will it make me horny?
Ummm...can you tell me a little more about it?
Yes, we primarily use it to deal with lower back pain and sciatic nerve issues.  I can work over the cover using compression rather than right on your skin if you're prefer that...or we can skip it.
Nah...let's do it.
God, did that sound like I was hitting on her?  WTF??
Okay, I'll let you get undressed and under the covers, face up, and we'll get started.

Knock, knock...

I'm ready...

Great...just relax and enjoy your massage.

Holy crap...a heated table is definitely something I should have in my next house.
Good, she's starting with my shoulders...oh, and chest...didn't see that coming.
I hope my boob doesn't pop out from under the covers.
Nah...that won't happen.  They don't exactly "pop" anywhere, if you haven't noticed.
Wow...this is exactly what I needed.  This feels great.
Did I just fall asleep?  I hope not...I don't want to miss a minute.
Wow...this feels great.  Her hands are HOT!  That's awesome.
How does one get their hands so HOT?
I don't's awesome.
Ooooh...a face massage...yes please!
This is great...who knew I had so much stress in my face.
Relax your face.
Relax your face.
How the hell does one relax their face?
Scalp...yes please.
YES...everyone should have a taste of a scalp massage.
For serious.
Oh...she moving onto the legs.  
Why is my stomach making noises?  I'm not hungry.
Maybe it's just relaxing. 
God, I hope it doesn't relax too much!
Wow...this leg shit feels great.  
How many sets of hands does this woman have anyway???
NO WAY!!!  She's massaging my feet?  This is incredible.
It kind of tickles a little bit though.
Husband and I don't touch enough.
Not sex touch...just regular touch.
We used to...wonder what happened.
Damn kids. leg, please!
Alright...she's doing the arms.
I wonder if she thinks I have big muscles.
I wonder if she thinks I'm gross b/c I didn't shave my pits today!
God, when WAS the last time I did that?
I'm gross...Winter does this to me...Winter makes me gross.
Ooooh...she's stretching the arms.  I wonder what the "pop" was!

Okay, you can roll over onto your front now.
I have a few essential oils out for your head rest...tea tree, eucalyptus, and lavender.  Do you have a preference?

Is there cannibus?

I'll take Tea Tree (just b/c I have no idea what that is).


Ah, yes, the hot rocks...holy shit!  That one is really hot!!!  Motherfucker!  Get it off me!!!

Ummm...that one at the bottom is REALLY hot.

Oh, sorry...thank you for telling me.

Geez...if I didn't, I wouldn't have any skin left!

Ooooh...I love this heavy heated thing she just put on my back.
Note to self:  Get one of these for home.
I think I'll get Husband a massage after his half-marathon...this is the best gift EVER!!!
Nice...she's back at the feet.
OMG...DON'T LAUGH!  The toe part really tickles.
She's working her way back up the legs...that feels awesome.
I seriously hope Knee doesn't dislocate again...that would kind of ruin the mood.
This oil smells nice...(deep inhale)
Oh shit...if she's working her way up the legs, that must mean the ass rub is coming soon.
I suddenly have the urge to fart.
Here we go...ass compression.
Don't fart.
Don't fart.
Don't fart.
This feels awesome.
I kind of wish I hadn't asked her to work above the blankets.
Is that pervy?
I had no idea this would feel so good.
Damn...I wish that part lasted longer!
That's what she said.
Crap...she's at the shoulders...holy shit, my shoulders are a mess.
OMG...she's breaking my shoulder tendon.
That can't really be the're a dumbass.
Get off.
She's only doing this because it will feel better later, right?
Good...she's moving down the back...ahhhhh...
Great...she's at the love handles.
Is there anyway, you can massage the fat out of them?
That would be awesome...someone should do that.
Wait...I'm running out of body parts.
That means she's almost done.
Don't fart.
OMG...I don't want this to end!
If I take a deep inhale of the Tea Tree, maybe this feeling will stay with me forever.
You're a dumbass.
This oil is making you loopy!
I am totally getting Husband a massage for after his run.

Okay, Rebecca...we're all done.  I'll give you a few minutes to lay here, relax, and get dressed.  I'll be right outside.

Thank you...that was great.

Will you marry me?

Then I asked her some questions about Sister and GG and possible massages for people who either hurt too badly for massage or don't like to be touched, but really need a massage.  Haha...

It was wonderful...and I didn't fart...not even once.  GO ME!