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Wednesday, June 1, 2011

My New Board Game

Ages:  24 - 64
Number of Players:  4 (in my house)
Objective:  To get a full night's sleep
Gameplay:

  • Each player starts off with 8 hours of sleep.
  • Husband wants to mess around...lose 30 minutes.
  • Read your book to unwind...lose 30-45 minutes.
  • Curse yourself for staying up too late.
  • Go to sleep.
  • Achieve REM sleep.
  • Dog barks for some inexplicable reason...lose 10 minutes and loss of REM sleep (oh, and your heart is racing as you wonder if you locked all the doors and if some madman is downstairs waiting to kill you entire family).
  • Back to sleep.
  • Enter REM sleep...ever so slightly.
  • Son has ridiculous nightmare and won't settle down...lose 25 minutes and loss of REM sleep.
  • Daughter stands up and asks for books...lose 5 minutes for thinking about how ridiculous that request is at 1:00 AM and another 5 minutes wondering how she's so cheery when you could literally break someone's neck.
  • Back to sleep.
  • Husband gets up to pee (even though he couldn't hear the monster across the hall having a horrific nightmare)...lose next cycle of REM sleep wondering how his ears function.
  • Lie awake thinking about your to-do list.
  • It gets so boring that you fall to sleep again.
  • Enter REM sleep.
  • Son has another horrific nightmare...you pretend not to hear it until Husband gets up to take care of child...after all, he owes you...earn REM sleep and ability to snuggle under covers.
  • Back to sleep.
  • Enter REM sleep.
  • Light starts streaming in bedroom windows.
  • Lose REM sleep.
  • Alarm goes off.
  • Son immediately starts screaming, "MOMMY!!!  I have a full diaper!!!"
  • Wonder if his diaper is filled with acid to make him scream that loud.
  • Wonder if you alarm actually went off in his room.  His timing is that perfect.
  • Wish you could get more sleep.
  • Listen to Husband bitch about the sun (you know...that huge star that gives us life and light?  Yeah, he hates it) and our craptastic pillowtop mattress.
  • You lose.  Get out of bed and start your day.
Don't even attempt to piece together how much sleep you actually got...just suck it up and get out of bed.  It will never be enough.