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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Our First of Few (hopefully)

I say "our first of few" because I really don't think I can stomach many more of these incidents.

So, you had to know that with the Crazies' Potty Training there would be some stories.

One of which you saw yesterday when I just couldn't take another minute of continually asking if anyone had to use the potty and being afraid that they already did.  I just couldn't take it.  So, I allowed my naked children to mount our sprinkler...Win-Win.


Then came Sunday.  It was a lovely day.  We had a nice morning at home (where I neglected to attend my spin class...oops) and decided to take the Crazies to the pool.  We're no dummies...we knew that the pool was a place where swim diapers would not only be allowed but applauded.

So, it was lovely and there were very few incidents of potty trauma.

We came home, ate lunch, and traipsed two exhausted Crazies to their naps.

Husband went to the gym, so it was time for a little Mama Alone Time...at last.

My popcorn was in the microwave and I was only slightly listening to the conversation that Matt was having with himself upstairs.  Then it hit me...that was no conversation...he needed help...and a lot of it!

I raced upstairs not wanting to believe what I was hearing...not wanting to believe what I already knew I had forgotten...not wanting to deal with the scene that was inevitably behind their bedroom door.

We totally forgot to put the Crazies in diapers before their naps...I was dealing with a shitastrophe...a Code Red...in the crib...in the underwear...and I was all alone.

The minute I opened the door, my olfactory nerves confirmed my suspicions...Level 5 Shitastrophe.  Mentally, I had prepared myself, but that's nothing compared to what real life experience is.

Hailey pops her sleepy little head up and demands, "What are you doing in my room?  I was sleeping?  What do you want???"

WTF?

Then Matt says, "Mommy, I pooped...I no have diaper on and my bed is wet."

Thanks, Captain Obvious.

I felt like crap...I had failed my child and now he was wallowing around in his own shit.

I pulled him out and assessed the damage...while ignoring Hailey's repeated requests for me to get out of her room.

I got Matt all cleaned up and in a diaper like a good Mommy when he said, "Can I see it?"

"Can you see what?  Your POOP??"

"Yes, I want to see it."

"Me too!"

Typically, I probably would have ignored these requests, but I was feeling like a crappy Mom, so if looking at shit made them happy, Goddammit, I was going to let them look at shit.

So, I braced myself and picked up Matt's Lightning McQueen underwear.  The shit was fairly compacted, so I just told myself I was picking up a mini Baby Ruth.  I held it out for Matthew to see...he was amazed.  Then I showed Hailey...as I lifted the underwear higher for Hailey (she was still in her crib), it happened.

The shit fell out of Lightning McQueen right onto the container of wipes.

I screamed...quality reaction, huh?

Then I just kept repeating, "this isn't happening...this isn't happening...this isn't happening."

The Crazies must have thought I was the crazy one at this point...I sounded like a mental patient...no offense to mental patients...I'm sure you're all very cool.

Well, of course, they want to see it again...and they want to see it on the wipes container...and they want to see me carry it to the toilet.  WTF is wrong with these kids??  Do they not get enough entertainment???

Then I have to change Matt's sheets and mattress pad, reassure Hailey that I will indeed by getting out of her room very soon, change her diaper (not making that mistake twice), and make a quick exit only to listen to them talk to each other for an hour and 15 minutes.

So, here is my first Do/Don't of potty training:

Do make sure that you put a diaper on your children before naps and bedtime.
Don't listen to those people who say that's cheating...you will be thankful for your sanity.